Creating trust again - without much time
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| Wed, 10-15-2008 - 7:50pm |
As most of you here probably I need help. And I need it soon.
I have been with my current partner for 6 stormy months. Love is not an issue - we love each other more than I ever thought was possible. Here's the thing though:
I have been married in the past and it is haunting me now. It adds all sorts of restrictions to my current relationship and I hate it. Early on I had promised my partner that I will tell her whenever I have contact with my ex (SMS, email) about anything. I failed to do that a few times because ... well it doesn't really matter. To make it worse about 3 months ago I uploaded a batch of old pictures of my past (my ex, my cat) onto flickr in a private section. My partner had asked me to get rid of anything to do with my ex - but a momentary lapse of faith in our future made me back up photos I shouldn't have kept. It was stupid and was only because I don't have any old photos of when I was younger and somehow I didn't just want to throw out everything at this very moment. It was a stupid stupid thing to do and I forgot all about it until last night when she suddenly stumbled over them.
So - long story short: I have made mistakes in the past that undermine my credibility. Every time I promised that nothing would ever happen again. I absolutely adore her and never meant to disrespect her - even if my actions show otherwise. I cannot ask for another chance when I have done it a few times already promising to never withhold anything again.
Her heart is broken and she says she can't do this anymore. I know she still loves me and I know I can make her happy. I need to make a strong statement about how serious I am about being completely honest and open. I need a strong statement that shows her that she is safe and I would do absolutely everything. Because I would. She already has (and have had for months) access to absolutely everything (accounts, email, online accounts etc). This is not a random relationship - I'm old enough and through enough to know when I have met "the one".
I need help!

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I know your views are based on what I and/or others have posted here before. Keep in mind that this is all very subjective.
Fact is that I never understood what she really needed. I heard her and then made up my mind but this opinion was clouded by my own feelings.
And she is not and never was needy. I forgot how the contact thing started and I was so sure I was right that I lost sight of just how great she was from the very beginning and that only my actions made her more and more suspicious and uncomfortable.
It's also not about giving up yourself. This never works. I never had to give up myself and she never asked for it. We wanted the same things. I just went over the top in my effort to make things better for us when she never asked for it. In this effort I was doing more and more what I needed and didn't do the small things she would have needed.
It may be too late for us now or it may not. I don't know. I hope I can make her see who I really am, that I have left all this sh*t behind and that she can always and absolutely count on me. But if you guys read this and you are in remotely the same situation ... just let go of everything you believe in and start again, ask her again and listen. LISTEN! I know you believe you know what she needs - I did that too and you can see where it led.
This is not the first time. Or the second. I had my chances and I have always said the right things and had the best intentions. I can understand that there is no reason for her to believe anymore. If I were in her position I would find it hard to believe it too.
Really I have no business asking her for another chance. And overnight I had a lot of time to go over and over it again. She was right with almost everything except why I had done things. But the "why" is maybe a reason to understand but not a reason to believe in better times.
I knew what was important for her and I didn't. My own feelings of what's important "for her" interfered and it made it more and more about me.
She only ever has asked me for simple things, easy things. She was happy with me in every way and we always talked very openly. I was the one who kept making things complicated. I used to "get her" when we started out and I did not for a long time. If anything I "get her" again. It's devastating to know that I do and always will ... and that it's probably too late.
"you will have lots of opportunities to prove that you are trustworthy"
I would yes. But what can I do for her to even care. She has to protect her wellbeing and her heart now and it would be a big risk for her to trust in me. How can I ask that of her? Even with all the certainty I have about "getting her"? What can I do to show her that I am not a risk anymore? Where are the opportunities when I need them? I had them in the past and I didn't live up to them when it mattered.
You are absolutely spot on. My actions didn't match my words. My words have lost their meaning. And I am more than happy to show her over time (no matter how long it takes) that my actions do match my words. I just need a chance.
The question came up why the contact or the photos were there and if I wanted to keep in touch with my ex. There are still organizational ties (we shared a car which we don't anymore, I have to pay back money from the separation almost 2 years ago) but she also came to me with questions about this and that that I early on responded to. After a short while the contact stopped and was reduced to short messages like "i need the car at this time". I kept the pictures because I wanted to have a record of my past. It was a bit more than 2 months into our relationship.
I had time overnight to take a honest look at this situation. It has been more than 3 months ago and I couldn't believe that I have done that and went against everything my partner needed. I don't care about the past anymore but I have to admit that more than 3 months ago I hadn't completely let go of it. I had not cut ties with it cleanly when I should have had. I never wanted to get back with my ex, I knew that for much longer than I know my partner. When I met my partner I knew she was now my first and foremost priority. But I hadn't completely let go of the past and mixed in with my stupid drive to make everybody happy I have acted against my words and my true priorities.
I have failed showing my partner that SHE is the one and only. I raised doubt about my relationship and my intentions with my ex.
Thank you for your insight. I am ready for this relationship. I wasn't from the beginning. The photos happened more than 3 months ago and I have since cut all ties. I have made another mistake last week because I couldn't overcome my own emotions. It was a simple thing to do and I didn't. Thank you again and I hope that I can get through to her.
I share a secret with you. But first let me tell you i am old,single man in an affair with a married woman for the past 20 years..judge me if you want,i dont have control on you but i dont let anyone,ANYONE for that matter, outside these boards.
Here's what i did many many years ago when i got stuck, something like you.She wont give me a chance because of my backing off many times.But when i finally came to a compromise in myself ,i wanted an opportunity.I created one.had no other option.I pretended to have got physically hurt and put a bandage around my head and bumped into her,intentionally. I created it to my own selfish interest( if being in love with her and accepting that she will remain married to another , is selfish,then ,i am selfish).This little trick made me 'get her' and put myself out to her ( i did tell her after sometime that it was just to 'get her')and till date have kept my committement to her, go figure! I wouldnt say she is selfish in keeping me and her husband , enjoying best of both the worlds.No.Its me who is selfish.She would still stay married and me ? i would just pine for her for the rest of my life? i refused to accept that , and have chosen my happiness.
Its never too late.you have to get up and do it IF you believe she is the one.
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