Crisis in my relationship... need help..
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| Sat, 08-28-2004 - 5:04pm |
I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We been through so much already, but I never thought about this happening.
In the beginning of our relationship, things were great. I was in love. I lost my virginity to him and never had sex with anyone else since. A few months later I was diagnosed with genital herpes. I knew he gave it to me, obviously, since I didn't have sex with anyone else. I told him about it, he was shocked. He never had any symptoms, and the last time he went to get tested for any STD's was more than a year before we got together. He said he had no idea that he had it and that he's so sorry. I believe him completely to this day that he didn't know he had it. He would never purposely do that to me. So I got over it, I'm taking pills everyday so I don't have outbreaks and I'm living normal. I wasn't going to break up over that; he didn't know, and I loved him too much. So we stayed together and everything was fine.
Then before Christmas in '03, he stopped calling me for a whole month. No explanation, nothing. There was no way I could get a hold of him because he didn't have a cell phone, and at the time he didn't have a fixed address. He spent the night wherever he could. When I called his cousins, they told me they hadn't seen him in a while. I was worried and at the same time mad. One night he finally called me again. He apologized for not calling me for so long, he didn't know what was wrong with him. He needed time to think about stuff, and he realized he loved me and he couldn't be without me. I had a gut feeling something happened (such as him cheating on me) during the time he didn't call, but I didn't wanna stress it. I forgave him.
About a week after that, he came over my house. Everything was pretty normal. We had normal conversations, everything was just fine. Then I jokingly asked him how many girls he's had sex with since we been together besides me. He got quiet and turned his head so he wouldn't have to look at me. I asked him again, and this whole time I'm smiling, not thinking he would actually tell me anything. Then he puts his head in my pillow and says "....one...".
I wasn't surprised, I knew it was coming. He was acting funny even before he stopped calling me that whole month, so I figured he's hiding something from me. I couldn't believe he told me. We talked about it, the usual. He said he couldn't be more sorry, that he made the biggest mistake in his life and that he didn't want me to leave him because he couldn't live without me. He said he met the girl in front of a nightclub. He was drunk and started talking to her. She gave him her phone number and invited him to her hotel room. He went, and that's where it happened. He said he never talked to her again after that and that it happened around the end of November. (He told me that he did see her again after that at the end of January '04 at a mall, but he didn't say anything to her or vice versa.) I forgave him.
Everything was just fine until May. We were doing good, spending time with each other. But ever since I was with him I knew he'd caught a few cases with the law. On May 1, he got arrested and five days later sentenced to six months in jail. (Until October 26.)
First time we talked on the phone after he got sentenced, he cried his heart out to me, literally, about how much he loves me and always will, but that I didn't have to wait for him. That I should go on with my life. Even the time in jail was no reason to break up with him to me. I told him I would wait for him no matter how long it takes for him to get back to me, because that's how much I loved him.
Throughout the time, we wrote each other letters at least twice a week. We talk on the phone daily, even though the collect calls are really expensive. I send him money all the time so he can come by in there. I've spent around $900 so far, just on phone bills and sending him money. I feel as though he matured and appreciates me more now. He says he didn't know how much I actually meant to him until he got sentenced. He writes me long love letters and even talks about getting married one day, but since we're both still young, not anytime soon. (I'm 18, he's 22.)
Now it's been four months since he got sentenced, two more to go. I went on a three week long vacation and got back Wednesday. I couldn't wait to come back and talk to him. On Wednesday, everything was great. We talked four times that day, told each other we missed each other like crazy and that we loved each other more than anything in the world. I was so happy, even though I didn't get to be with him physically just yet. Only thing that was worrying me was how I was going to get through the rest of the time, even though it was only two months.
I couldn't wait to come back from work on Thursday just to talk to him. When I picked up the phone, I could already tell something was wrong with him. He was sounding very depressed and sad. I asked him what was wrong, but he kept saying nothing. I kept asking him over and over until he told me he was scared to tell me. That's when I knew it was something horrible, but still didn't think it would be what it is.
He finally fessed up and told me. He said he had talked to his friend Chris on the phone. Chris told him that he received a phone call from a girl (I'll call her Girl 2) who just so happens to be best friends with the same girl that my boyfriend cheated on me with (Girl 1). My boyfriend said the night when he met Girl 1, Chris was with him and met her best friend, Girl 2, that's how she had his phone number. Chris told my boyfriend that when Girl 2 called, she told him to tell my boyfriend that Girl 1 is looking for him because she's pregnant with his baby and due sometime at the beginning of September.
As soon as he told me, my heart broke into 10 million pieces. I didn't know how to react or what to say.
We talked four times that night about it. He said that he doesn't think it's his baby (even though after thinking about it so many times, the timing matches up exactly) but if it is, he's going to take care of it.
Now, I love him more than anything in this world and I couldn't imagine living without him, and I'm stuck. There's no way I could break up with him, unless I really couldn't live with the situation when he gets out of jail and when the baby is born. I realize it's going to be a constant reminder that he cheated, and I also realize he's gonna have to have some sort of relationship with the baby's mother, even though he says he doesn't care about her whatsoever but he still has to take care of his child.
Two things keep running through my mind for these past few days. How come she didn't say anything to him when she seen him at the mall late January? Wouldn't she have been around two months then? Doesn't the average two months ahead female know that she's pregnant? Why is she just now looking for him? And most important of all, why would you even want to have a baby with a man who you had a one night stand with and never spoke to again? She supposedly said that he's the only guy she was with at the time, but I don't believe that. She invited him to her hotel the very first night in the matter of 15 minutes, so I can imagine how many other guys she slept with.
He says he does not want to loose me, even though he realizes that this is something he could easily loose me over. He says he wishes he knew about it before, he would have told her to get an abortion, even though he still doesn't think it's his baby. He says he will have to deal with it for the rest of his life, even though he doesn't want to. He says he's not ready for children, and especially not with her.
So, what could I possibly do now? I'm so confused, please help me out guys.

With that in mind , does he plan to get a paternity test ? I don't know where your from , but here in Ohio , if a man signs a birth certificate or any legal document stating he is the father , HE IS THE FATHER NO MATTER WHAT THE PATERNITY TEST SAYS !! I put that in caps because that is a mistake many many MANY men make. So I would tell him if I were you.
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much. It must be very hard. But only you know what you can live with. People can say what they want , but only you know where your boundaries are.
Good luck ,
Heather
If you stay with this guy - you are most likely in for years of heartache! He will take away your youth & probably any money you make.
First to answer your questions;
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There could be several reasons. Women's bodies don't all run the same. Some women have periods for the first couple of months of their pregnancy's so they don't even know that they are pregnant. Some women's periods don't even run on a regular schedule anyway so they don't know they are pregnant for the first couple of months. She could be lying that it is his. Or she could have just been embarrased about the 1 night stand and didn't know how to handle it when she shockingly ran into him all of a sudden.
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Maybe she is finally realizing the overwelming costs of raising a child & has decided that she needs financial help (not that is sounds like his guy can do much since he couldn't even afford an apt.) If it is his, she can take him to court and make sure that eery dime he legally makes is looked at and he is forced to give her some part of it to help raise the child.
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Maybe she doesn't believe in abortion. This is not for you to judge.
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And you know this how - oh yeah, your repeatedly (you did say 'ever since I was with him I knew he'd caught a few cases with the law')law-breaking in-jail bf told you. Give me a break! Face it whether you want to or not - you know nothing at all about what happened that night or any other night that your bf wasn't with you. Don't even begin to judge this girl because you know nothing at all about her. She may have been providing him with a place to stay when he wasn't with you! YOU DON'T KNOW a thing about what went on that night or any other night.
This guy has been in and out of trouble with the law and now in jail (is this even his first time in jail?) Can't even provide a roof over his head. Gave you herpes (says he didn't know-maybe he didn't & maybe he did-there is no way for you to know). Had sex with that girl at least once (& who knows how many others) and then came back & had sex with you. You said that you suspected he had sex with someone else before he admited it. Did you even demand he get tested again & wait a decent period to make sure that he didn't contract any other disease? You know first hand that sexual diseases can be passed from 1 partner to another. Did you even have enough concern and care for your own body to make sure that he was clean before allowing him anywhere near you? If not, this shows an incredble lack of self-respect and care of yourself. This means that you did not learn from what happened and are at high risk of getting that lesson again. I really hope that you did force him to provide a clean bill of health before you had sex with him again.
I am sorry you are going through this, but a lot of signs were clearly there that this guy is a loser and you chose to ignore them (possibly due to your age and inexperience). Forget the questions you are asking. The more important question is, are you going to continue to give your time and money (what kind of guy takes money from an 18 yr-old!) to this guy, because if you plan to, you better be prepared to spend a lot more years like this and probably much worse. I know that you lost your virginity to him and that can make young girls feel particularly tied to the man they gave it to, but make sure you are not living with illusions about this guy. If you want him, then you are just going to have to deal with all the muck he is going to bring to your life.
This guy has not lived a life of integrity & honesty (this is clear by the choices he has made). So don't believe anything just because he says it is so. If you want to continue with him, that is your free choice. Just make sure that you take off those rose-colored glasses and be honest with yourself about the man. And please, next time you think he may have had sex with someone else, make sure he gets tested and wait the appropriate period before you have sex with him. Don't go asking fate to teach you that lesson again. Because the next lesson could cause much greater physical harm to you.
Even if the other girl WEREN'T pregnant, he'd still have cheated on you repeatedly, treated you poorly even when he was with you, taken your money, done jail time.... ugggghhhh. THIS is how you would want to have a relationship?
MOVE ON. The quicker the better. No more "I forgave him."
You were in a "honeymoon" period until May. Things were not fine. (He was taking advantage of you the whole time.) Why was he arrested? and of course he cried, he's in jail.
Why would you at 18, put your life on hold for a criminal who has cheated, lied repeatedly, gave you a disease, has you spending $900.00 each month and now has a child on the way? That is beyond my comprehension.
You say you love him, I'm gonna tell you, This is not what love is, this is more of a dependency. I don't know if you think no one will ever be with or love you because you have herpes, or not good enough for someone else to make you think you want to be with a guy like this, I don't know. I do think you better talk to a professional before he gets out because you'll be stuck getting treated like this over and over again and forgiving him for it over and over again. Not a productive and healthy way to live. You are 18 and sooo much more life to live. You will eventually learn to know what love really is but I'm sorry to say WITHOUT him. You are his crutch, he can do anything to you and you'll forgive him and take him back. I know you are going to do what you want with the relationship, but do me 1 favor please, print off all the replys you receive keep them in a safe place and 1 maybe 2 years down the road, read them again. 9 chances out of 10, you'll sit there and say, boy I should have really listened to these people. I wish you all the best and all the luck!!!!
my bf thought he was in love once. he got engaged when he was 19, then thank the lord that he realized that it wasn't love, it was lust. a lot of times you think you are in love with the first person you sleep with, and more times than not, its not real love. i think 18 is too young to know exactly what you want.
do you even know what you're going to do with your life? are you going to college, or planning on it? SO much can happen in a few short years. when i was 18 i had no clue i would meet the people i did and have the experiences i did. i was VERY niave when i was 18. i know i'm only 3 or 4 years older than you, but you would be amazed at how much a person can grow in that amount of time. you sound like you're extremely niave also. there's a saying, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"
this relationship is a dead end. i know it hurts to hear that, but its true. you have your whole life ahead of you, its best to get out while you still have a life. from what you've told us, this guy is going to lead you straight into trouble. i really hope you are taking a form of birth control and using a condom. you could end up pregnant, he could get you into financial trouble (you REALLY don't want debt, trust me) or trouble with the law. you do realize that if he's doing something illegal and you're with him, you can be arrested too. guilty by association. it was not very bright to sleep with this guy before he was tested. be thankful that's all he gave you.
he is a proven liar, cheater and god knows what else. PLEASE GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE IT RUINS YOUR LIFE. i can almost guarantee you'll see your bf on "COPS" one day if he continues down this path. even if the baby is not his, and he should get a paternity test, you don't want to be mixed up with a person like that. i'm not one to judge anyone, b/c who am i to judge someone else, we have all made mistakes. but from experience, i can tell you that this guy is NO GOOD. please think about yourself and your best interests. there are MUCH MUCH better guys out there. good luck!!