So much depends upon how the wife defines a "man".
No one would call me macho, but my wife knows I'm strong in the ways I need to be strong.
I'm not aggressive, but I won't be intimidated, backed down, belittled, sold, scammed or bamboozled. I don't fight, but I always win. I fear no one who isn't armed.
She can rely upon me at times when she's weakened by loss. I'll be the one who steps up and does what needs to be done, and I'll collapse later. I'm very protective of her, and I'm her biggest cheerleader when she's second-guessing herself or trying to make an important decision. I know when she needs to be reminded that she's beautiful, and I know when she needs just to be held without words. It's not a special talent; it's called love.
I can play the macho role for the benefit of others, and I suspect many of them may be playing a bit as well. But mostly my demeanor is one of quiet confidence - no matter how I'm dressed at the moment - and I earn respect by being a good, caring, consistent, reliable, understanding and trustworthy person. I raised two children - mostly by myself - and they exhibit the same qualities. I'm a active male presence in the lives of both of my granddaughters, encouraging them to respect and appreciate themselves so other men will respect them as well.
You can be a man and be transgendered. The two are not mutually exclusive.
I see what you're saying here and completely understand... BUT: do you consider yourself "transgendered" or a crossdresser? There is a HUGE difference. Being transgendered means that you identify with the opposite gender rather than your own, and would prefer to be identified as a woman rather than a man despite biology. If that is the case for you, then I can see how it would make a big impact on your wife. Gender is a big deal, it's important for most people to feel as though they belong to one or the other.
If the issue is just crossdressing once in a while then I think you have a greater chance of her acceptance.
Sorry...I meant "transgendered" in a broader sense: a person who crosses traditional gender boundaries to one degree or another because he or she feels driven to do so.
In my case, I don't identify with the "opposite" gender. I am, to some degree, both genders. I derive no particular pleasure from crossdressing. I work part time in female mode and my clothing is appropriate. There's no thrill in doing so. I dress otherwise the rest of the time. I don't identify myself as a woman and don't expect others to identify me as such. I'm a transgendered person. Fortunately, the people I work with and my wife understand that it's not a behavior choice on my part; it's who I am, and I can't change.
You're absolutely right when you say most people prefer to feel they are clearly male or female. I would prefer that myself, but that's not the lot I've drawn in life. I've come to terms with the fact that not to express the female side of myself is to risk deep depression or worse.
Believe me...I've studied the subject intensely for fourteen years now. If there were a way out, I'd know. And I'd take it in a heartbeat.
Even if you had said the "wrong" thing, I'm not at all thin-skinned about myself. It is what it is, and I yam what I yam.
Besides, I welcome any opportunity to tell people what it's like at my little outpost on the gender spectrum. That's why I document the life of Kay on a blog (http://anotherself.blogstream.com).
Well, if this has been going on for twenty years, she should have gotten used to it by now. Perhaps she has been simply "bearing" it all this time and can't tolerate it any longer. I strongly suggest that the two of you seek marriage counselling together. Get it all out, discuss it openly, see if you can find new alternative ways of handling the cross dressing so it's not so disturbing to her. If it's so deeply to you and to your psychological balance, she must understand more about it. Find out why it's so upsetting for her now, after all these years.
Getting some good, well trained, sensitive and empathic counsellor or therapist can do wonders here.
What a wonderfully perceptive and understanding partner you are.
One possible reason for your boyfriend's reluctance to crossdress in your presence is lack of confidence. Even though we can't change who we are, some of us don't believe we look good when dressed as women. When no one else is around, that doesn't matter so much.
Even after all these years, I'm still very self-conscious about my appearance in front of my wife, who's totally accepting and supportive.
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...she wanted a Man not a sissy...
So much depends upon how the wife defines a "man".
No one would call me macho, but my wife knows I'm strong in the ways I need to be strong.
I'm not aggressive, but I won't be intimidated, backed down, belittled, sold, scammed or bamboozled. I don't fight, but I always win. I fear no one who isn't armed.
She can rely upon me at times when she's weakened by loss. I'll be the one who steps up and does what needs to be done, and I'll collapse later. I'm very protective of her, and I'm her biggest cheerleader when she's second-guessing herself or trying to make an important decision. I know when she needs to be reminded that she's beautiful, and I know when she needs just to be held without words. It's not a special talent; it's called love.
I can play the macho role for the benefit of others, and I suspect many of them may be playing a bit as well. But mostly my demeanor is one of quiet confidence - no matter how I'm dressed at the moment - and I earn respect by being a good, caring, consistent, reliable, understanding and trustworthy person. I raised two children - mostly by myself - and they exhibit the same qualities. I'm a active male presence in the lives of both of my granddaughters, encouraging them to respect and appreciate themselves so other men will respect them as well.
You can be a man and be transgendered. The two are not mutually exclusive.
I see what you're saying here and completely understand... BUT: do you consider yourself "transgendered" or a crossdresser? There is a HUGE difference. Being transgendered means that you identify with the opposite gender rather than your own, and would prefer to be identified as a woman rather than a man despite biology. If that is the case for you, then I can see how it would make a big impact on your wife. Gender is a big deal, it's important for most people to feel as though they belong to one or the other.
If the issue is just crossdressing once in a while then I think you have a greater chance of her acceptance.
Sorry...I meant "transgendered" in a broader sense: a person who crosses traditional gender boundaries to one degree or another because he or she feels driven to do so.
In my case, I don't identify with the "opposite" gender. I am, to some degree, both genders. I derive no particular pleasure from crossdressing. I work part time in female mode and my clothing is appropriate. There's no thrill in doing so. I dress otherwise the rest of the time. I don't identify myself as a woman and don't expect others to identify me as such. I'm a transgendered person. Fortunately, the people I work with and my wife understand that it's not a behavior choice on my part; it's who I am, and I can't change.
You're absolutely right when you say most people prefer to feel they are clearly male or female. I would prefer that myself, but that's not the lot I've drawn in life. I've come to terms with the fact that not to express the female side of myself is to risk deep depression or worse.
Believe me...I've studied the subject intensely for fourteen years now. If there were a way out, I'd know. And I'd take it in a heartbeat.
Kay,
Jillie...
Not at all! Did I sound grumpy?
Even if you had said the "wrong" thing, I'm not at all thin-skinned about myself. It is what it is, and I yam what I yam.
Besides, I welcome any opportunity to tell people what it's like at my little outpost on the gender spectrum. That's why I document the life of Kay on a blog (http://anotherself.blogstream.com).
Kay
Well I am very pleased to meet you
I hope we can be friends
I am trying to get a picture posted but mine are all too large so I have to save them as a smaller file I guess.
Are you aware of http://www.tri-ess.org/cd01.html
Well, if this has been going on for twenty years, she should have gotten used to it by now. Perhaps she has been simply "bearing" it all this time and can't tolerate it any longer. I strongly suggest that the two of you seek marriage counselling together. Get it all out, discuss it openly, see if you can find new alternative ways of handling the cross dressing so it's not so disturbing to her. If it's so deeply to you and to your psychological balance, she must understand more about it. Find out why it's so upsetting for her now, after all these years.
Getting some good, well trained, sensitive and empathic counsellor or therapist can do wonders here.
All best wishes,
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What a wonderfully perceptive and understanding partner you are.
One possible reason for your boyfriend's reluctance to crossdress in your presence is lack of confidence. Even though we can't change who we are, some of us don't believe we look good when dressed as women. When no one else is around, that doesn't matter so much.
Even after all these years, I'm still very self-conscious about my appearance in front of my wife, who's totally accepting and supportive.
Kay
http://anotherself.blogstream.com
Pages