at a crossroads

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
at a crossroads
4
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:13am
What do you do, if after a three year relationship (that started in 2nd year of college) you have been with a person who you thought was the one. After three year, my bf told me that in four more years or less he wants to get married (the additional time is supposed to be for saving money for a house, wedding, etc.). Am I crazy for thinking that is just too long and that he's kidding himself if he thinks I wanna wait that long? Aren't people who really want to be together just go ahead and do it, figuring things out together along the way?
On top of that, he has a domineering mother and older sister (!) combo that don't really like me, who he has a very close relationship with. The older sister went as far as to tell me, as she was moving out on her own about two years ago, that she will continue to call her brother (my bf) every day (to this day I do not understand why a grown woman would do this).
The bf is loving, we talk often throughout the day, buys nice gifts and remembers all the important dates, helps out with things if asked and tells me sweet things every day, but if I need a ride late night from school (I'm still finishing school),that's 30 minutes away by car, about an hour by intercity transit, he tells me asking him to pick me up up is kinda inconsiderate and yes he'll definitely pick me up if I'm stranded, miss the last train, or if my 56-year-old father can't help me. Am I being picky? Is it so horrible that I want a partner that among other things, will pick me up from anywhere at any time if the need arises? Isn't that what "the one" is supposed to be like? or am I kidding myself completely?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 12:41pm

Welcome to the board orchid1981,


It sounds like maybe your bf isn't at a place where he is ready to get married right now. Men usually have to like where they are in their lives financially, career wise, and etc so they feel like they can take care of a family. Maybe your bf isn't at that place yet.


Have you talked to him about how you feel and that you would like it to happen sooner?


Also, I don't think it is bad that she sister calls him everyday. I talk to my little brothers fairly often and my little sister everyday. It is nice that families can be so close, in my opinion.


I do think your bf should pick you up, unless he needs to extra sleep for work or something. I would pick my fiance up any at time for any reason, but that could just be me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:04pm

Hi orchid,


My former sister-in-law wouldn't marry her boyfriend in the last year of college, she wanted to have everything ready to step into a 'perfect' life. Her boyfriend was ready, wanted to be with her, wanted to start a life with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 2:17pm

Thanks a lot, your advice gave me lots to think about....but I have yet another problem with the bf that I cannot/don't know how to resolve. This also contributes to my "crossroads" debacle. Here goes.

I will be graduating college this summer. The bf and I have been talking about doing a European vacation this fall, that would nicely combine with a baptism in his family in France. We were going to do an organized tour and since I'm still in school and he's not, I left the research up to him. We were supposed to decide on the type of trip together. So he did his homework and we tentatively looked at a package that suited us well. BUT, about a month after this trip talk, things changed. I was at a his aunt's bday. Him, his mother, sister and brother in law were discussing a family trip that they are also doing in December (to which I was unenthusiastically invited by his mother, but won't be able to attend, due to grad school and a job, plus I due to the tone of her invite, I don't feel too wanted there). While talking about booking flights soon and so forth, I noticed the bf made no mention of our trip whatsoever. When I questioned him about it later that evening, I got an earful of: two weeks is too short for a Europe trip because that continent is so expensive we're never going to go again for sure cause we'll be saving for kids and a mortgage, and since I can't make that trip longer maybe we should just postpone it/reschedule it. I was flabbergasted! This came out of nowhere. This is supposed to be our first long trip together (I live with my parents, and despite the 3yr long relationship my parents have opposed many overnight trips with the bf while I was in school, they feared an unwanted pregnancy and me not finishing my degree), a trip that I was really looking forward to. It was supposed to give us a time to connect together further, have fun without any responsibilities. I was so upset and angry (but not hyserical or drama queen) with him and told him that I don't understand how he could do this. I think he got freaked out, apologized the next day and for another month, didn't bring it up. A month later, he brought the trip up again and showed me some more options he's thought of..which were STILL OVER TWO WEEKS LONG! This seemed so inconsiderate to me. I did communicate this to him. I'll be interrupting a new job for this, while he's keeping up his "one trip to Europe in my life" behaviour. But his stance was " I want 3 weeks". Fast forward to a recent dinner at my friend's house. She questioned us about this whole vacation thing, and came up with a solution - go right after graduation, start work later. This is not a bad idea, but why was it my friend who had to come up with it???? He knows my situation, and seeing as I'm up to my ears with school work, no effort to help resolve this. He seemed to like my friend's idea though. I on the other hand, completely lost my enthusiasm, and in addition to his actions described in the previous posts, started questioning whether this is a good idea at all. I haven't brought the trip up since then.

My mom's reaction (with whom I'm very close and who doesn't have a habit of interfering in my life) is " you're an educated intelligent confident young woman, you don't need this immature behaviour, get rid of him, you could do better, with someone who will do anthing for you" This is my first long-term relationship, with someone who I thought I could marry, but now...I don't know what to do. His recent spiel on wanting to get married in 4yrs or less is causing me to lose enthusiasm further. Marriage after 7-8 years of dating?? And then what? I want children before 30 so I don't have to go through fertility treatments to have a baby. His immaturity combined with a mean sister and mother are causing lots of doubts. On top of all this I love him very much. Another one of my married friends thinks that no one is perfect and that there will always be issues, so maybe he's not as bad as I think. What is wrong with me??? Why can't I find a solution to this? On the one hand, my mother is probably right, on the other, I love him...what do i do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 3:20pm

Hi again,


Well, not every person is cut out to be a travel coordinator and