At a Crossroads

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
At a Crossroads
5
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:04am
Here's the deal. I've been dating a wonderful guy for almost 7 months now. Everything has been really great especially recently. He's been very sweet and understanding and caring. There have been discussions of sex and the possiblity of me going on the pill. However, I am very inexperienced and truthfully, it is against what I believe and was raised to believe, in having pre-marital sex. I am 30 years old and this is the first serious relationship I've ever been in. I did go to the doctor and got a prescription, but as I was sitting there, I realized that this is not for me, that it was essentially for him. I told him about this last night and he was very disappointed and said that he believes you have to have sex before marriage and thought I was being unreasonable, yet said he could understand how I could feel this way. And also said he was more dissappointed because he thought we were at the same level, and as such doesn't know what to do or what's going to happen in the future. I can kind of understand how he feels especially since I told him I was more ready for this. It's just that now I really don't believe that I'm ready for the relationship to be at that level. It's not that I don't have deep feelings for him-I do. It's just that, well, I'm confused. Am I being unreasonable? Am I just scared of taking this relationship even further? Is what I've been taught and preached about my whole life false?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: jag302004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:38am
Stick to your beliefs. Don't sacrifice them for a man or you will regret it and resent him. If you aren't ready for sex and won't be until marriage then tell him this. If he can't handle it then move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: jag302004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:08am
NO you are not being unreasonable and NO you shouldn't go ahead with anything you are uncomfortable doing. Listen to your doubts and innervoice -- they are the signposts on the road of life that are *trying* to direct you on a course that's right for YOU.

My own personal opinion, arrived at through experience, is that your sexual compatibility with a person is just as crucial in developing a long-lasting relationship as any other area of compatibility. There wouldn't be an entire board here at ivillage devoted to the unhappiness and problems stemming from sexual incompatibility if that weren't the case. So to leave that to be an unknown until *after* you marry someone is risky IMO.

However, each of us must make our own choices based upon what we believe, what we have learned to be true, and what we want for ourselves in life. So, you must make your own choices accordingly and also live with the consequences and results of those choices (like we all must). We each must follow the road that's right for us. Not everyone's the same. What you need to do is first, find out what you truly believe and want for yourself (sounds like you're unsure). After you figure that out, proceed accordingly to find someone who's on the same page as you are. Good luck.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jag302004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:44am

When you have believed something your whole life long and had it preached to you in that way, it becomes a deep part of you and going against it causes fear, guilt and other negative emotions. It's not a matter of whether what you believe is right or wrong. It is right for some, and for others, who have not been raised this way and do not hold these values, it probably does not make sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: jag302004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:10pm

no, you are not wrong to follow your beliefs. and no you should not compromise your morals for a man.


however, you really need to be clear on what you believe in. sometimes, we are raised in strong religious atmospheres, and we just follow what we know (I know, because i was raised in a strong religious home too), without "really" understanding. so all i can advise you is to perhaps spend some time learning a little, talking to religious leaders of your community, etc., so that you know that *this* is what you really want, and really believe in.


(this has nothing to do with your BF, this has to do with YOU and who YOU are).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
In reply to: jag302004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 5:21pm
I was also raised with those beliefs, and I have to say that I didn't stick with them and I went ahead and had sex before I got married. Although I ended up marrying him I've always regreted not following through with what I believed. It sounds like you are only questioning your beliefs because his pressuring you and pushing you to have sex is making you anxious and confused. I agree with the others in that you do need to find out if you truely believe in and want to follow those morals or not.

As for the comment he made about you two not being on the same level, he is right. YOU are at a higher level of maturity where you want to do what is right, follow your heart and your believes and actually have respect and no pressure in this relationship. He doesn't respect your decision and when he gets disappointed and pouty and says "I thought we were at the same level" what he seems to mean is "maybe if I guilt trip you you'll have sex with me." Not wanting to have sex until you are married doesn't mean you love him less, it doesn't mean your relationship is at a lower level or that you are crazy. What it means is that you respect your beliefs and you love yourself and him enough to wait until you are happily ready to have the most magical moment of your life. Right? Also, a lot of relationships get screwy because of sex and getting physical and raging hormones, if you don't give in you have a chance to have a relationship with great communication and all that physical stuff can wait, and you'll respect yourself in the morning. If he thinks it can't wait then he's not respecting you, and that's just not real love.

For the record, I'm not saying that having pre-marital sex makes you a horrible person, not by any means. Everyone has different views and values. To each his own! :)

Lindsay