crumbling relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
crumbling relationship
3
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 12:00am
Hi all,

I am new to this so please bear with me and give whatever advice you can. Okay, to start off with, let me say that I am in a relationship with a man that I truly love. We have been together for almost 2 years...this being the longest relationship I have been in.



We recently moved in together (about 3 months ago) and I've noticed some problems cropping up. We both go to school full time and have different schedules so we don't see each other as much as we normally would. I also work part time, and combine that with going to classes and craploads of homework, I tend to get quite stressed out and exhausted. This combo of barely seeing each other and being stressed all the time is hurting our relationship, I know. But there are more things that are really starting to bother me about my b/f and I'm not sure what to do. He doesn't have a job and has no money. I only work about 15 hours a week, which cannot pay all of our bills and get groceries too. In fact, our electric bill was due 3 days ago, and he doesn't seem worried at all that we have no money to pay it right now. It really bothers me that he doesn't care about looking for a job. But I don't know how to approach him about it without sounding like a nag. I've mentioned jobs that were listed in the newspaper and stuff, but he still has not gone anywhere to get applications or talk to anyone. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be around him because I'm so annoyed and frustrated that I'm afraid I'm going to blow up at him. It also pisses me off when I come home from a full day of classes and work to see him playing video games and hanging out while I'm busting my butt for minimum wage.

And on top of all of this, I'm the one who does the laundry (which he just piles on the floor of our bedroom) and the only one recently to do the dishes. I've asked him many times to do dishes or help clean up while I'm gone, but hardly anything is ever done. I just don't know what to do anymore.

We're both young(only 21) and in the most serious relationship either of us has been in. But sadly, I've been having doubts about if we are "right" together and if I should maybe end it. I'm so confused because I love him, but I don't know what to say to him to make things better. To make myself happy again.

I would definately appreciate someone else's perspective on this.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 6:46am
he's got it made. you are paying for everything, doing all the work and getting all the stress. did his mom do everything for him when he lived at home? ask her. Unless he gets a real wake-up call and changes his ways, you are seeing the rest of your life played out before your very eyes. get it sorted so there is more balance or get out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:21pm
There is no easy way around this one, I'm sorry to say. I would recommend that you have a discussion with your b/f immediately. Explain that living together means equally splitting joint living expenses like rent, utilities, phone, cable, groceries, and so forth. Also, I'd come to an agreement about dividing the chores fairly as well.

If he doesn't agree, then I think you should find different living arrangements asap. He won't be unemployed, playing video games if someone else isn't there "footing the bill" for him. Look out for yourself, you sound like you worry about expenses and school. You have your priorities straight. Don't let yourself ruin your current (and possibly) future finanical record by defaulting on bills because your b/f won't do his part.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:40pm
Wow, reading what you wrote reminded me so much of my last relationship except that my ex didn't go to school or have a job. I too would mention jobs that I saw in the paper but he did nothing, while I went to school full time, worked part time, and had to do long internships for schools, as well as, all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, and bill paying. And he sat on his butt playing playstation or on the internet. A major problem in our relationship was a lack of communcation, while we loved each other we didn't want to express any bad feeling we had because we didn't want to hurt each other, but ultimately the only choice left was breaking up. If you truly love him, than you need to talk to him about your feelings and concerns that he also get a job and help with the household chores. Otherwise, I foresee you holding everything in until you break-up. Good luck.