Crying Myself To Sleep

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Crying Myself To Sleep
4
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 6:49am
My bf and I have lived together for about a year and a half. He always needs to be occupying his time at home with his guitar, video games, reading mags (maxium, stuff, fhm) and the internet. We are both college students, so I realize that he needs the computer to do homework at night but he isn't always doing homework. But the problems begin when I tell him that I want him to spend time with me. We rarely spend time together at home because he would rather be doing all of the above. I told him I am not asking him to give up his hobbies, but I would want to be a priority too. He makes time to do those things but never really spends time with me. He stays up so late at night on the computer, I wait for him. I stay up until I either feel like going to bed without him or try to convince him he can continue tomorrow. When I finally convince him to get off, there is always an argument. He ends up saying that I want to have control over him, and I end up getting my feelings hurt. No matter what approach I take on him realizing we dont spend time together, he always gets mad. Most nights, he may come to bed nice, but he get really upset if I say anything that offends him. He will be really ruff tossing and turning away from me that he "accidently" pushes me. He never appoligizes unless I bring it to his attention. The nights end the same, he finds a reason to be mad. I end up crying, and he yells at me to go to bed. He tells me.." Look at what time it is, I can't deal with you always crying, what's wrong now, be quiet, don't make me leave." Then he either goes to the living room or I swallow my tears and go to bed unhappy. He wont come back to bed until I go in there and "constantly" ask him to come back to bed. I feel as if I am always pushing my feelings aside, to aviod an argument with him. If he does something to hurt my feelings I want him to fix it, make things better not make them worse by yelling at me. I believe that he never thinks twice about the way he treats me, because all he cares about is him getting his sleep. If I bring it up later, he tells me to forget about it, get over it. I hate this cycle. Is there any rational way we can work through this??? Can I ever make him take my feelings into consideration?

Please Help!!!!

-Janelle

p.s. If anyone is going through the same thing please email me.

mattysbabylove@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 9:47am
Hi! Speaking from personal experience, it seems highly likely to me that he has a fear of intimacy. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything bad (sneaky) other than avoiding you and getting upset when you confront him about it. He may even be afraid of what he might do if he gets too close to you emotionally and so feels justified in getting angry to keep you away. It may be that he saw people get out-of-control a lot when they were emotional. Or maybe anger was the primary emotion he witnessed expressed by significant people in his life. So he insulates himself from feeling, from anger.

It sounds to me that at least short term counseling might be of great benefit to him. There may be things in his past he just can't face and deal with. Maybe he'd even be willing to talk to you about them. A word of caution, however, don't be quick to gush over him if he reveals something heart-wrenching. It's likely he blames himself a lot for things and feels underserving of your love. Pushing it on him will just make him want to push you away, if that's the case.

It's tricky, but it sounds like he can be helped, and you, too. Sometimes, people are DEFINITELY worth waiting for. Best Wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:41pm
So basically, he uses *things* to fill his time - to avoid being with you, to unwind from his day, and may even be addicted to his distractions.

Everything you've done/said up to this point has not evoked a positive response in him or a change in behavior, so stop. You have to change your *reaction*, your response to his behavior, and it MAY bring about a change in him. So for one week you are going to NOT ask him for time, not ask him to come to bed, etc. Don't say anything. Get busy with yourself - do your homework, clean house, eat dinner, make plans - develop your own hobby, go to a movie, rent a movie, go meet a friend, etc. Examples of conversations - "hey, I'm going to watch X movie, you got time to watch it with me?" If he says no, watch it without him. "Hey, I'm going for a walk, wanna go?" If he says, no, go anyway, say ok, see you in a while. You might try asking him on a date - hey, I'd like to take you out, is tomorrow night good? Then plan it - dinner, movie at home or out.

The less intersted you are in what he does, how he spends his time, MIGHT make him want to spend time with you. Right now you are doing the pursuing and he's backing away. Let him come to you. By always getting upset that he's not spending time with you, I can only guess that he feels he has to be your source of entertainment, happiness, etc.

I agree that he may have intimacy issues, sharing emotional intimacy with you.... yet, was he always like this? If not, then my guess is that he is stressed and your demands on his time are pushing him away.

If none of this works then consider taking him for a walk and have a conversation - I know I've been asking for time with you and I know it's because I miss the closeness we have shared. I need to know what is the best way to approach you for sharing and spending time together? When he's done, if the question wasn't answered to your satisfaction, then ask him again - what can I change in myself that will promote sharing and spending time together? I want you to want to spend time with me, it's obvious that you don't feel the same way, do you want to work on this or is it time to go our separate ways?"

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 2:57pm
I agree with itwinflame. Do your own thing. Get your own hobbies. Once he sees that you're preoccupied with other things and you have a life, too, he may realize how special you are to him and stop taking you for granted. Go out with the girls, take up reading something other than school books yourself. Once he sees that your main priority isn't getting him to pay attention to you, he may give it to you without him even realizing it. Sometimes men need to know what it feels like to not have you to make them come around. And don't let him talk to you that way. It's disrespectful, especially if he knows the crying is his fault. You're hurt and he doesn't even offer comfort. That's just mean. Stop crying, even if you have to make yourself. I would start sleeping on the couch whenever he got like that, but I do things out of spite so that may not be the best solution. Just do your own things and act like you don't need to spend time with him. He'll come around. If he doesn't, it's time for you to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:02pm
So what does he want you to do? Just ignore him all day and then go to bed without talking? It sounds like he is selfish. My boyfriend (now husband) used to spend a lot of hours "on computer" until I realized by looking through the cache that it was all porn. I told him that it was not the fact that he looked at it that bothered me, but the fact that he did it so much and it seemed like he'd rather do that than spend time with me. He apologized and has since curbed his porn appetite. He'll still sneak a look once in a while I noticed, but not like before, before it was a habit.

If magazines like Maxim, internet porn, strip clubs, or whatever it is as an outside source start affecting your relationship, then there's definiately a problem, and it's not yours...it's his. Don't let HIM become YOUR problem. If you talk to him about how you feel unimportant to him and he tells you you are insecure or some other BS, it's time to find a new guy with a better value system. I don't mean to sound harsh, but to me it sounds like he is doing more than taking you for granted, he's using you. Don't let him. You deserve to be treated better. IMHO.

Let us know what happens.