Curious Behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Curious Behavior
9
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 2:58pm
I have been dating my girlfriend for 13 months now and have never had a problem that we could not handle. Last semester (as we are still in college) was rocky at times. In the middle of November 2003, she began hanging out with "Bret," a friend from class after her night classes on Tuesdays and Thursday at a local pub. Well, after my night classes were over, she was scheduled to meet up with me at my apt. so we could study together. After every instance in which she went to the pub with Bret, she would stay in the parking lot for at least 30 mins or more staying with him until he would "sober up" so he could drive home safely. I started to become suspicious after one night I asked her what kind of drink she had (I tasted the alcohol on her breath) and she denied having anything to drink. These evenings at the pub only lasted for 2 weeks, because I think she finally told Bret that she was dating someone.

Recently, I have brought up the discussion of cheating. I told her a while ago, that if she ever did something (of a cheating behavior, and that includes kissing) with someone else, I would leave her at an instant. (For background purposes she cheated on her ex boyfriend numerous times because she didnt want to date him anymore). Recently she has told me that if she ever did cheat that she would not tell me because she would be afraid to lose me. I told her that one has a right to know that someone has been unfaithful to him and she responded saying that if she "made a mistake" one night because she was frustrated with me, then she would not tell me because it wasn't a huge ordeal and she wouldn't want to hurt me. She also told me that if I were to do something stupid one night (like kiss a girl-friend) she would be upset but she would get over it. Last night she told me that she had several dreams in which I thought she was cheating and I was correct, but the conversation never really went any further.

I also recently found at least 15 emails from Bret (and of course replied to each of them). The emails insinuate that some sort of relationship had taken place, but of course she doesn't know that I found the emails.

I don't want to accuse her of anything nor do I want to assume anything happened. The facts are clear, however. Something did take place and I'm waiting for her guilt to get the best of her and tell me the truth.

Please help me with any suggestions on how to confront my girlfriend about my thoughts of her cheating. I really need this help because I can't go to sleep at night. Thanks.

Ross

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 3:04pm
Ross...

Don't confront her...>DUMP HER!

If she cheated on the EX without feeling guilty, she's obviously playing the same game with you...this time with Brett.

And whether Brett knows it or not....he'll be the next in line to be cheated on.

There are too many wonderful women out there who want ONLY ONE MAN...and that's where you need set your sites. You don't need to listen to her stale tunes or excuses any longer.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 5:07pm
I have to say, I agree with pianoguy on this one.

Her behavior and choices, reflect her morals and values. And her morals and values justify not telling you, justify cheating, justify that she's probably lied to you.

If you just gotta confront her, print out the emails and tell her that these strongly suggest a 'relationship' and because of her past choices (cheating on her ex-bf) that you don't feel you can trust her and it's better if you went your separate ways.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 5:19pm
just do it. confront her. Right away.

she isnt' ever going to tell you.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:11am
Thanks for the help, but I've decided (at least for now) what to do.

I will wait until the end of the semester to see if her guilt ever gets the best of her. Why wait you ask? Well, we are currently taking two classes together and if we break up before school ends, I really don't want to be in a class with her.... it would just be awkward. So, that's the main reason why I want to wait. Plus, I've been giving subtle hints everyday about making her think about the idea of cheating in general. Ex. telling her that the show "Cheaters" is really great. Something similar to those lines. Anyway, that's my decision. If anyone still has some comments, please feel free to post them. I'll keep you updated on the situation.

Thanks for everyone's help.

Ross

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:29am

To sit around waiting for "guilt to surface" is a bad idea. In the meantime you are stewing in suspicion in anger and can't sleep at nights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:40am
I support your decision to wait until you no longer share a class with her. Why put yourself through her dirty looks, whispering, or whatever. Just because you're still with her doesn't mean you have to stew. You can just start a slow process of uninvolving yourself in the relationship. Since she's apparently cheating, that sounds fair enough to me. Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:02pm
You have to decide what is right for you....

I shared your posts and the replies with my boyfriend via email....here's what he wrote back to me:

I guess he won't really leave her in an instant then.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 7:41am
I just want for my girlfriend to realize that cheating is wrong and if she continues to do it, she will always have to suffer the consequences. Her last boyfriend was a bit strange and stayed with her despite the numerous times she cheated on him.... she even told him about all those times! I know that it hasn't gotten that bad with me, but I can't sit around and wait. She had her chance to not screw things up and she chose her weakness. No she will have to suffer the consequences and have her plan backfire. She needs to realize that she cannot continue to do this or she will never have a lasting relationship. As soon as final exams roll by, I'm out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:14pm
Here's to final exams.... but just remember, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

She may never understand the lesson you are trying to teach her. Some lessons are better learned on their own.

Good luck to you.


Carrie