Cut off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2011
Cut off?
4
Mon, 08-22-2011 - 12:11pm

I am a recovering addict and I've recently rekindled an old flame from my past. he, too, is in recovery and also just got out of prison 6 months ago. when he first got out we had sex pretty regularly. about 3 months ago, he moved in with me and within 3-4 weeks we stopped having sex altogether. he says that he's just not into that right now and has other things he's trying to concentrate on like relationship building with his daughter, gainful employment etc. he says he loves me, and that he totally finds me attractive but he's just not into sex right now. we've had several conversations about it and he seems to think this hang-up is from using sex in his addiction to gain acceptance. I've tried to explain that there's a difference between having sex with someone and making love with someone u are in a committed relationship with. Obviously this bothers me on many levels. without trying to sound like a "ho" or desperate, this is making me crazy...i have needs, too! and I would truly like to convince him that sex is not a bad thing, but I'm at a loss on how to deal with this myself or even begin to help him. Any advise?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: rgriffin29
Mon, 08-22-2011 - 1:40pm

"he seems to think this hang-up is from using sex in his addiction to gain acceptance"

I don't know what this means. I think he is BSing you.

"I've tried to explain that there's a difference between having sex with someone and making love with someone u are in a committed relationship with"

He is an adult, your role is not to educate him. If he isn't able to give you what you want, then your choice is to accept it or to leave the relationship... I do not think you are a "ho" for having sexual needs, for many people sex is a way of showing affection with someone we care about. If you're dealing with a man who is making excuses for why he isn't meeting your needs, you're with the wrong man. Period.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
In reply to: rgriffin29
Wed, 08-24-2011 - 12:28am
Sounds like he needed somewhere to stay after getting out of prison. Housing and jobs are not easy to find when one has a prison record! He had sex with you long enough for you to become infatuated with him so you'd let him move in, then bam! End of the sex!

I'm guessing you pay all of the rent and all of the bills...correct?

This isn't uncommon with ex-convicts. I've had some experience with them and they often do what they have to do to get what they want and no more. It's up to you if you want to try to talk him into wanting to be your boyfriend again, or if you are tired of supporting a guy who isn't even trying to pretend to want a relationship with you anymore. I'd give him the boot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: rgriffin29
Wed, 08-24-2011 - 8:45am

Isn't there something in "recovery" that says you're not supposed to get into a new relationship until you've been sober for a year?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
In reply to: rgriffin29
Sun, 08-28-2011 - 12:26am

Are you sure he isn't using again? One on my girlfriends who is also a recovering addict married a recovering addict. He stopped having sex with her and has absolutely no interest in it what so ever. Come to find out he was using again and the drugs were his new lover.

Also the things he named are valid reasons for not being that interested in sex. It may be just what he say it is. If sex is the most important thing to you and he can not meet your needs then you need to move on.