Cutting off sex to save the relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Cutting off sex to save the relationship
12
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 2:01pm

I am extremely irritated with my ex/boyfriend/whatever the hell he is... We have a troubled relationship, it's been on and off for five years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2008
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 2:16pm
I agree, cutting off sex was a bad idea on part of your bf
Buzzfly
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 3:36pm

Hi blue_eyez19,


Here's your previous post:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 3:52pm
I just finished reading "Relationship Rescue" and it was a truly amazing book! I am now trying to get my partner to read parts of it. I typed out Dr. Phil's ten "Personal Relationship Values" and when he comes by today to fix my cabinet, I'm going to give it to him. He knows about it, I read them to him last night. It's such a hot/cold, up/down relationship. I don't want to lose the intimacy because that's something we have that IS great. I understand what you said about the lack of desire when you're fighting, though. This guy is always like that. When other couples will have make-up sex, he won't have anything to do with me with regards to sex..for a couple days after a big argument. It really hurts because even when I'm FURIOUS with him, I still want to have sex with him! So when it's so easy for him to turn it off, it just hurts my feelings. Obviously he and I are on two different levels. I know what he means when he says we need to be better FRIENDS with each other, which would hopefully in turn help us have a better relationship.. but I just don't want to stop the intimacy altogether. I'm sure this won't last long, though. We were already trying to better the friendship and ended up having sex here and there.. then every time we would hang out we did. It just progressed back into a relationship, but we never talked about actually being back together though. I'm sure if I would have brought it up or asked, he would say NO we are NOT back together.. OK so we just have sex? I don't know, I hope the personal relationship values are something he will take into consideration.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 3:59pm
Make up sex is after there are no hurt feeling, not usually during.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 4:20pm
That's the thing-he holds grudges. He holds grudges for things that happened a year ago. He tells me not to hold grudges against him for the things he's done and said to me (we don't even need to go there), but he will hold a grudge against me for getting mad at him for being late which in turn became a huge fight. He always has a great excuse for being late, so of course he is ALWAYS late. Sometimes I don't care, but when we have something planned I get upset. And if I tell him I'm upset, he gets defensive and angry and starts yelling at me (mind you, I didn't yell or swear at him..) about why it's ok for him to be late, then it becomes a huge fight. We fight over the stupidest things. Sometimes he NEEDS to be on time, but he blows it off because he thinks its OK if he stops by a buddy's house on the way home when he knew I was making dinner. Just b.s. like this makes for a huge fight with us. So it's not like he has hurt feelings, he is just mad at me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 4:25pm

Oh, boy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 4:31pm
I don't think cutting off the sex alone is going to save the relatioship. Obviously there are problems that need to be addressed and only working on those problems is going to save the relationship. Is there any plan or are you two working on those issues?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2006
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 5:13pm
This is a part of HIS plan.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 7:25pm
Considering your descriptions of him, I'd choose the highway.


Edited 7/16/2008 8:17 pm ET by geoteo
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 07-16-2008 - 8:09pm

Well, if the problem was "having too much great sex" then yes this would solve it. But the only way to get rid of a problem is to attack the root of what really is the problem.

It really does not sound like this relationship is meant to be.

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