Cutting ties with his Ex-wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Cutting ties with his Ex-wife
4
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:12am
Okay, I am super confused and am looking to you guys for help. My DF and I are getting married on the 14th of next month and I have asked him in the past to cut off all contact with his ex wife and he said he would. I thought things were okay, I figured that she called him from time to time, not to big of a deal, but then I found out he was sending her money, not just a little, I am sure it is about 1,000 plus paying some of her bills and he still has her on his medical insurance. He didn't tell me he was sending her money, I found that out on my own, and we got into a pretty big argument over that and he promised that he would not send her anything anymore, and whenever she called or sent him a text message he would let me know, which to my knowledge he has done. Well the other night we got into it again, after she texted him and asked him to order something for her and I told him he needed to cut her off, not later but now, so he got the phone and called her and left her a voicemail saying that he is getting married next month and he has to stop talking to her, that it is not right. He asked me what he should do if she were to call him back, and I said let it go to voicemail and then delete it, if things get bad answer it and tell her "I meant what I said, do not call me again" (he came up with that on his own)Well she called last night and was PISSED! We were outside and didn't think to look at the caller ID and he answered it and she was ranting and raving, Asking how he can let me come between their friendship, um EXCUSE ME, I AM GOING TO BE HIS WIFE, WTF DO YOU MEAN??? It kinda pisses me off because he was going to be stern with her, and then when the time came, she pulled at the heart strings and he was a total softie, being nice, calm, just not taking care of it the way he said he was going to, firm. Their conversation was about 10 or so mins, and it ended with I will talk to her, meaning me. Am I being to hard, should I let them talk?? The ONLY TIME she calls is when she needs something, that pisses me off. I was thinking of compromising and telling him to give her our home number and we change his cell (thats where she calls him) that way I am here when she calls, and she cant pull his heart strings, but honestly I DO NOT WANT HER IN THE PICTURE ANYMORE!!! I AM SO DAMN SICK OF HER!!! He is going to find out how long after he takes her off his medical insurance she will be covered, and call her tonight to let her know and tell her that she is no longer allowed to call him, I am sure she will pull at the heart strings and saw aweful things about me, but I don't care, he NEEDS to end it with her!

Just as a side note, they have no kids nor was he ordered to pay her any money.

What do you think? Am I being Mean, or unfair?? (Mind you I cut off friendships with a lot of my friends that I had to be with him)

I am so sorry this is so dang long, but thanks for helping!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:27am
denise 1982...

The ball is clearly in your fiancee's court! If he feels obligated in any way to his EX, you both might want to postpone the wedding date? It's clear that his previous wife still feels she's part of his life...and he's doing very little to discourage her.

And this is making you VERY ANGRY!

Pianoguy has one question.

If YOU and THIS MAN eventually end up getting married....do you plan to act the same way whenever you see him talking to another woman? Hope not!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 12:25pm
You are right I am VERY VERY VERY VERY PISSED off, and that my dear is an understatment! As far as him talking to other women in passing, I have NO issues with that what so ever, none at all, I mean hell he is the boss of 8 women, he talks to other poeple out in public, I don't mind, I enjoy the fact that he is being nice to people, it is just his ex, an ex is an ex for a reason, and that is not the only reason I am pissed, the fact that he has been sending her money without letting me know pisses me off the fact that he was hiding when talking to her pisses me off, the fact that they have been divorced for 2+ years and the Bitch is STILL on his medical insurance pisses me off. The fact that she says I am coming between them pisses me off, and now she is sending me text messages saying I can not keep them from talking, and the other day she sent him one saying that "If I (meaning her) dont have my med I will get sick, if I get sick I will hunt her (meaning me) down and I will need more then medical insurance, promise". She just pisses me off! UGGGGGGGG
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:40pm
Hon, your man has problems.... along with his inability to say no, he's allowing himself to be manipulated by this woman (that means he gets something out of helping her, fears her, or feels guilty about something) - now she's threatening you too? This woman is unstable and he (by giving in to her demands) is telling her that her behavior is ok with him.

He can't have two wife's on his insurance, what's he going to do when he marries you?

Print this for him, maybe he'll get it.

Male Emotional Adultery Essay

When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.

My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.

Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.

Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.

Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.

In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?

If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?

What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.

The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?

Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!

This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 2:22pm
Thank you all for your support! As soon as I posted here I coulndt take it anymore and called my DF and told him when he gets home I am changing my number and so is he if he likes it or not. I sent him the text she sent me and he sent it to her and said is this you? She did not respond, I told him to get home now, so he came home and called her. As he walked in the door I recieved a unknown call on my cell and they left no message. He called her told her he did not know what was going on but he was changing his number tonight as was I and she will not be getting the new number. Then he said that she will be removed from his insurance as of Oct 18th, thats when mine will go into effict. She then got all pissy and said that she recieved a text message from him last night saying call me, hmmm thats funny because we were both out in the backyard and the phone was in the kitchen, no one could have sent her the message from his phone, so yup she caught herself in another lie, now why cant she go get herself caught on the rail road tracks?? It looks like FINALLY things are going to be ENDED between the two of them, thank God!!! Thank you all so much!