Cyber/Phone Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Cyber/Phone Sex
11
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 6:14pm
Okay here's the deal. I have caught my hubby on a number of occations having cyber sex and phone sex! I got really upset when I saw him watching other women on their webcams. It wasn't just that though, he was watching them do their thing, they were watching him do his thing, and he was talking to one or two of them on the phone. I hit the roof. Did I overreact? He swears it has nothing to do with me, with our sex life. He says that he "loves having sex" with me, but then i catch him doing this. It's all the time too, doesn't matter if i'm home or not. I can be downstairs cooking supper, in the shower, sleeping, whatever...as long as i'm not in the computer room he's doing this. I've had enough of it. I've asked him, begged him not to do this so much, but he doesn't see the problem. He doesn't understand why it hurts me since he's not "physically cheating." I've told him that i feel like he's cheating on me but he just says that doing this is like looking at magazines. I don't feel that way. What do you think? Am i wrong or is he?

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 6:20pm
It's not the same as looking at a magazine. He's talking to these women, having conversations. They are "real". The women in magazines are more "fantasies"..not real. BIG difference. To me, this is a betrayal. He is having orgasms with other women. That's not physically cheating? He's spending time with them instead of you. He's not carrying on an affair, it's like he's having one night stands every day. I'd be giving an ultimatum at this point - me or the women on the computer....counseling or divorce. Those would be the choices and I'd STICK to my guns.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 6:27pm
i've told him that if it doesn't stop, then i'm going to leave. this sounds pathetic but i hate going to work when he's off, i hate going anywhere when he's home alone because i know what's going to happen. i hate going to bed before him because i've woke up in the middle of the night numerous times and walked into the computer room and caught him. i've found my self wondering if he actually is going to work some days when he "volunteer's" for overtime. i don't know how much longer i can live like this. he's also very possessive, doesn't want me to have anything to do with people i knew before i met him, doesn't want me going anywhere without him. i went bowling with a friend of mine yesterday while he was at work and he threw a fit. i've known her for 20 years, she's my best friend. he also orders me around and sometimes treats me like his maid/waitress. i'm tired of it and i've told him that over and over again, but it doesnt' seem to do any good
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 6:35pm
It won't do any good. You've threatened to leave but haven't done it. He knows it's just talk. Take action. See a therapist if you have to. This kind of behavior is bordering on abusive, if it's not already.

I've been there. My ex used to freak if anyone looked at ME, saying I probably liked it, invited it, whatever. I couldn't even go visit my mother and I ended up losing quite a few friends since I was never allowed to see them. If I did ANYthing without him, I was cheating on him. I used to tell myself that I got so angry with him (and him with me) because I loved him so much. WRONG!! I got so angry with him because he was treating me worse than dirt!!! This guy is walking ALL over you. He does what he wants, when he wants, where he wants, and with whom he wants, and you're not allowed to bowl with your girlfriend.

I say if you've threatened to leave if he doesn't change, and he hasnt' changed, then do what you said you'd do. Leave. You deserve WAAAAY better than this. And you deserve to see a therapist and get yourself into shape. Figure out why you feel so badly about yourself that you feel you need to tolerate this kind of treatment. You are being unfair to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:59am
he is wrong. there is such a thing a emotional infidelity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:23am
I would guess that since you have told him that the way he treats you and the things that he is doing when you aren't in the room bother you, and he hasn't stopped, then he doesn't care about your feelings. He even has the lack of decency and lack of respect for you or your feelings to do it when you are home. In my opinion, when a man loves a woman and cares about how she feels, he will stop doing what he knows hurts her or at least not do it in her presence. If you are going to threaten to leave him for it and then stay there then of course he will know that you aren't serious. Maybe you need to dump him and let him know that this isn't a joke. If he loves you and wants you back he'll quit or maybe you should suggest he get some counseling for his little problem. If he loves you and wants to be with you he will, but if he treats you the way you say he does, like a maid, then why would you want him back?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 8:11pm
Okay i am going to leave him as soon as I get some money saved up....some friends i went to nursing school with called and asked me if i wanted to go out with them this weekend(all 3 are girls). i told hubby i wanted to go and he said that i couldn't! He didn't ask me not to go he told me i wasn't going. we got into a huge fight. he said he didn't want me going out with them because they were a part of my past that he was not a part of. I've had it...I also caught him online again this afternoon...I was taking a shower and when i got out i walked into the computer room and he was...God this is humiliating...he was standing up infront of the computer, one hand holding the phone the other...taking care of business. i was sooo upset and he just doesn't understand why. i've tried telling him why it hurts me but he doesn't understand or he doesn't choose to understand. i give up. i've done all i know how to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:58pm
oh yeah he also says that the reason he does this on the computer is because he grew up "watching his father look at porno magazines." That doesn't make what he's doing right, does it? As far as I'm concerned, there's a big difference in looking at magazines and watching and letting these women watch and talk to them on the phone...he just doesn't get it
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:23am

You are not wrong. You have every right to feel the way you do. His behavior is way over the edge - actually watching women behave sexually and talking to them is a step beyond porn. Most people would feel that this was unacceptable behavior in a marriage. In addition it sounds as though your husband is severely addicted to this - He is in the grip of an addiction and also has no awareness of the effect of his behavior or how inappropriate it is. You've got to get him to wake up. First step is to realize it's not okay, that he has an addiction, that it certainly can ruin his marriage, and that if he doesn't take steps to deal with this (professionally), he is jeopordizing his life with you. Beyond that, he should realize that any behavior that hurts his spouse is unacceptable. Period. Just out of concern and respect for you, he must take this matter in hand.


There are organizations which deal with sexual addiction, as well as counsellors who are expert in it. Get information about this, and get support and direction for yourself as well. Both of you need help in handling this problem.


Take good care, and best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 3:34pm
Okay it's been awhile since i've been on here. I've decided to give him 2 months to straighten up (started May 1st). He knows about the "time line", so to speak. For the first weeks or so I thought things were going great until i looked at his yahoo messanger (he had left it on and pulled up). There were 15 messages to different women, all done while i was asleep on the couch (in the next room). All of them were asking if they were "feeling horny," "feel like getting busy" stuff like that. I was outraged and let him have it. He apologized, said that he is really trying to quit..ect. This all happened Saturday. Today i looked at his history and found numerous sites, all of which he has a profile on looking for discreet sex, one-on-one sex, and so on. and he has looked at all of them with in the last 24 hours. We have talked about him getting help, but he thinks he can "beat" this on his own. I don't think it's going to happen. I'm so tired of all of this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 3:53pm
Sorry you have to go through this. Obviously he can't quit, he likes it too much or he's addicted and he's not going to change. Do what you gotta do for you.


Carrie

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