Damage Control-Recovery after insecurity

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Damage Control-Recovery after insecurity
3
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:38am
Your suggestions/comments/stories are all welcome here!

Last night BF and I were in bed being cozy & snuggly & intimate. We generally have pillow talk that leads to other things...and that is always fun. Although, last night(and close to the first time ever)---I became jealous & insecure over a terse comment that BF made about an ex. He happened to mention that she was a hot, dark latin a couple times in the past and also that she was "one hot little number." So last night she came up in discussion (don't remember how) and I asked him if she had a better a$$ than me. He said Yes, she had the best bootie, but mine ran a close second. Never before had jealousy raged through me. Normally the green-eyed monster is quiet and doesn't mind if other women are mentioned or admired. I was upset! How could this woman have a better form than me--after all the hard work put into being strong and fit and curvaceous. (Mind you these are the rantings from last night, not now) In bitterness, I told him "well she probably had sexier lingerie, too then." Sitting back on the bed, I proceded by announcing that I wish he had just lied to me instead. Eyes wide open by this point, he stated that I didn't mean that and that I was always harping about truth. He's right. From there I tried to reason my way out of everything by saying things like "besides, you're now with her right now" and "I'm so silly, you have spent two and a half years enjoying my company and high-tailed it out after 2 months with her. I'm sorry, you're right, I know you love me." Needless to say, the evening wasn't bad afterwards, but wasn't good either.

Today, the residue is still there. I'm still hurt (and being an overly-sensative woman I want to be #1 in every aspect of his life). That simply cannot always be and we love & care for each other deeply & that should be enough. Plus I'm ashamed that the ugly jealousy monster came out to play and there's nothing that can be done to erase from his memory that moment of insecurity. It appears there is no damage control here. Plus through all this, I'm left wondering what makes her so gosh-darn hot and why (when asked) would he not tell me the cause of their break-up?



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:15pm
This guy is lucky to have a HOT woman like you interested in him. Please don't ask such direct questions about body parts, it puts him in a spot of having to lie if there is some difference, or tell the truth and hurt your fealings. They probably broke up because sometimes HOT women push the envelope on what they can make you put up with and still want them (ego boost). She might also have been HOT for someone else. Love your man and if he is any good at all he won't be thinking of anyone else.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:54pm

Sounds like this was a wonderful wake up call for you to realize things about yourself. It's really impossible to live a long life feeling as though one has to have the best body in the world. There's always going to be someone you'll think of as slimmer, or better toned. And of course what to do as you grow older? This is a sure fire recepie for upset. Take time to develop a deeper sense of your worth, value and true beauty. Find what's loveable about you - and what belongs to you alone. In terms of the jealousy that surfaced...it's human, though certainly not pleasant. Let it pass and don't dwell upon it with him. However, for yourself, take note that this kind of jealousy arises from a sense of insecurity and not enough personal worth or value.


I suggest you read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love and do some of the exercises. It may give you a new perspective and more sense of ease and balance.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 9:04pm
You have been posting about this relationship for a year now. There are so many issues and I am copying and pasting some of the 'highlights' here. read them like a journal and tell me if you think this is worth the long haul. Can you be two truly happy and have a mature relationship?

..................

My boyfriend and I had a huge (I mean size of China) falling out last night. One of those really super-emotional kind of nights. I cried hysterically for about an hour in his arms about all the things going on in my life. He comforted me up to a certain point and then said "hon, you gotta get yourself together, I'm leaving." (This further infuriated me in my mental state) And so he left my apartment to drive home. So what do I as nuerotic, super-emotionally possessed do? I jump in my car (mind you I'm in my green silk pj's with NO contacts or glasses {read: blind} and I followed him to a stop light where I told him that he needed to go the pharmacy with me last night so my mind could be put at ease about being pregnant/not pregnant. This was around 11 pm. The drugstore closed, he drove me back to my car and told me that if I was not pregant that we were through. He then told me to get out of the car. I told him I didn't want this to be the end of things and then I loved him. then I asked if this was the end and he said "keep it up and it might just be" and sped off. So it was 11 o'clock in my pajamas and I walk into the gas station to call my mother (of all people) to come rescue me and drive to a supermarket to purchase a kit. Found out that I was not pregnant. (just as he said---since I have a "habit" of thinking I'm always pregnant)

Great relief there. But what about the relationship that prior to this night was going along swimmingly? We've been together for about a year and a half. We've broken up before and have gotten back together again. Is this him blowing me off for real? Or was just him reaching his boiling point and saying some really mean, nasty things? (This is just so odd to talk about since he is such a sweet, caring, respectful boyfriend until I get hyper-emotional and then he wigs.)

Please, I know I made some mistakes last night--(why did I go chasing after him?????)---But can anybody give their take on the sit.? Suggestions? Comments? I'm miserable, but am waiting on him to receive some kind of response.

.............................................................



But he can be moody, ...........But, I feel like we can't talk about the future at all. (or anything that makes him feel uncomfortable) ................ I don't take myself too seriously, but I do take our relationship seriously. And this is a legitimate concern that has snowballed into conversations such as "it annoys me when you make decisions more complicated than they need to be" or "why do you feel the need to be so touchy-feely all the time?" (he has never complained before about my affectionate expressions---in fact, has gotten angry when I haven't been affectionate enough). Normally I am the peace-maker and the calm person of action during conflict. But last night I lost it and piped out "Maybe if there are all these things 'wrong' with me, maybe you don't feel like seeing me for awhile." and followed that up with an even stronger blow "Maybe you don't love me anymore." (which I know is not necessarily the truth and I am now wishing it hadn't popped out) What can be said?? People say stupid things when they are angry.

Can a relationship work with two different-minded people? What can I do when I feel like he's constantly critiquing who I am? And if he does love me (which sometimes he has a hard time expressing)---why does it feel like he's trying to change me? Well, I'm glad you feel better. I have nothing further to say to you. Goodnight."

.......................................

Since then we have had this great "Stand-off" where we have not called or interacted at all. Cool down periods are important, but after a few days, it's rediculous. So, I wanted to extend the olive branch once more and called. This time leaving a VM that said "Hi, know we haven't spoken in a while and needed time to cool off. Was just calling to check on you and see if we could talk."

Apparently not, because I received no phone call back. He has not retrieved his stuff from my aparment yet (which usually signals a break-up) and yet he has not called. Part of me is feeling very hurt and indignant right now. I didn't call to "thrash" out who was wrong/right, but simply to talk and work through things as a team. It appears there is only a team of one now and I'm exasperated. This non-communication is sooo frustrating. I don't know what to do and you can't MAKE someone talk to you. Suggestions?

..................................


With that said, I asked him (could this be a potential mistake???) when he thought we might get married. To which he replied "Well, since you've decided that you don't want to live together before we're married, maybe I'll just wait until I'm twenty-six like I've always thought." It seemed then that he was being stubborn just to be stubborn. I then related that I believe it would be fine for us to live together as long as we were engaged and the timing was right. He 'hmphed' and said "Perhaps that's a compromise." Why am I the "Bad Guy" for wanting to wait till I at least have a ring? Do most men now believe that the only way they should marry a woman is to live with one first?

..................

Ben (bf) is not a cat person at all. Really, not at all. He is absolutely against me getting another cat, by saying things like "you don't need one" and "it's not the right time". Thought that today we could discuss it. Wrong. We were on the phone discussing it (more like me probing for his true anti-cat feelings) and he hung up on me. Number one, no matter what his behavior is in-excusable. But does he really have a point? If we plan to get engaged soon, am I disregarding his feelings? I feel like he's just jealous, but maybe his feelings are true and truly ISN'T the right time for one reason or another.






Edited 5/21/2004 9:07 pm ET ET by ciao_gina