That damn cell phone!
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| Mon, 07-23-2007 - 4:13pm |
I’m beyond annoyed by my BF and his cell phone habits. As luck would have it, he “never” receives a call or text message when we are together. At least that’s what he says…I think he’s crafty and has the damn thing on silent or vibrate. Following these suspicions, I picked up the phone (under the bed, that’s odd) and sure enough…I was on to something. His text message inbox was for the most part deleted, the messages that remained were from me & his ex-wife (nothing suspicious or weird there.) I take that back, there was a saved message from before I came around…so I choose to not really dwell on it. (Yes, I know some of you are wondering why it’s saved? I have no idea but it’s not a battle I want to pick.) Back to the phone…only 1 message...saying “Hey.” to some girl “K” that I have never heard of before…umm, yeah. On to the call log…received calls: 8 out of 10 were there. Hmmm, where did the other 2 go? Who were they from & why in the hell were they deleted? Interesting…final steps, the dialed calls…one to “A” (who???), one to “L” (the girl he used to live with who coincidentally I JUST asked if he had spoken to recently, you can assume what his response was to that question.) These dialed calls and text messages took place when we were not together…as in on his way from work to my place. To be fair, he’s been staying at my place for the past week now…so I can’t complain about that but he has been interacting with people when I’m not around.
The question is…why do men do this? I’m all good with my guy (and men in general) having female friends. I truly believe that it speaks highly of a man that can be JUST friends with a woman. He’s very aware of where I stand on this issue and I feel that I have done all that I can do to reassure him that I won’t be upset, I won’t be hurt and I won’t be angry by his talking to other woman. (We just had a conversation about it on Friday night…a civil, level headed, adult conversation.) So, if it’s just friendship between them, why the secrecy? Why can’t he talk to them around me? And furthermore, why can’t he talk to me about them? I’m beginning to feel like I’m only privy to certain aspects of his life…and that’s not cool. The deleting of calls and sneakiness of it all just make things worse & it’s truly making me questions what’s up. If he feels the need to hide the truth about his friends, what else can he keep to himself?
Any and all advice or insight is greatly appreciated…

Welcome to the board missmisssf,
Why were you suspicious of him in the first place? What did he do to make you think you need to look for and go through this cell phone?
glitter-graphics.com
I think you've got too much time on your hands.
I didn’t intend for any part of my message to come off as contradicting. And no, I really don’t have a lot of time on my hands. I should be doing a lot of other things today besides writing on message boards soliciting advice. Not exactly how I intended to spend the day but I didnt know where else to turn for an un-biased and honest opinion. And that's exactly what I've gotten and do appreciate the food for thought.
The letters are indeed shortened for girl’s names (per the caller id.) And I truly 100% stand by my statement that female friends are acceptable. I have male friends/acquaintances and would be a hypocrite to request that he not have friends of the opposite sex. And it’s also a very unrealistic expectation to force on someone. He has other female friends that we discuss (I don’t know them personally, but they have come up in conversation.) So why the secrecy surrounding other females? If it’s nothing, then why not bring it up like the other friends? In addition, hiding the phone under the bed is a definite red flag. We have been together for a good amount of time (not quite a year but close enough) that we are beyond the turning phone offs to be polite dance. In the past, we have discussed at length how I feel about the phone, I’ve been upfront on where I stand on the situation. And thought it was rectified until recently.
It's one thing to have female friends (which is a positive thing), it's quite another for someone to be secretive about the fact that he has female friends (which is not a positive thing). That's what I'm getting from the your post--that he's being completely secretive about it and you've never heard of these women and that's why you're concerned.
Is that accurate?
Sheri
Perhaps he has been burned in the past by someone who would have preferred that he have no female friends? My guy was burned in the past by a girl who forbade him from speaking to or mentioning other women (she was nasty) and at the beginning of our relationship he was very very careful not to say anything about a couple of girls he knew from high school because he feared I'd do the same thing. Maybe yours has been with someone similar to that; even people who didn't mean a lot to us can leave lasting negative impressions.
Either way, I agree that you should have more than just secrecy to go on before you worry yourself over this too much. There isn't a distinct line between seeming secretive about friendships, and him telling you every time he gets a text message. "Hey" isn't a text message you should be concerned about.
I really think that you're better off talking to him about this than asking us for insight. Depending on how long you've been together, you may simply have not met all of his friends, and this girl might not be a very crucial one to him worth noting or introducing you to. As you get to REALLY know someone, you should have a good idea of who their closest friends are. This may be just an issue of you getting to know all of the people in his life.
Hi Sherri,
Correct...he mentions his female friends (according to our conversations there are only 2.) And they were not the ones he'd been speaking to. These are friends that have never been spoken about before and that worries me.
I'll agree that he hasn't the best of "luck" with relationships. And I need to be reminded of that every now and then.
As the day has progressed and I've read the responses (and even re-read my original post a million times), I'm much calmer. And thankful I stumbled on this site! I'm gonna take some more time before I say anything to him, get all my ducks in a row so to speak. And breathe before I work myself into another tizzy!!!
Hopefully, somehow, I'll be able to work this into a conversation instead of an accusation.
Fingers crossed...