date other people before getting married

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2007
date other people before getting married
6
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 11:47am

My boyfriend and I met when we had just turned 20. We've been dating for the past 2.5 years, and we think it is likely we will marry each other.

The complicating issue is, I do not feel ready to commit to him for life, there are things that worry me about him and our relationship, and I want to be able (and for him to be able) to date other people for a while before committing to him, and I'm not sure for how long this would be. We've had brief periods of being in an open relationship or separated, but it hasn't been enough time for me.

It hasn't bothered me when he's been involved with other people when we were in an open relationship, I am extremely non-jealous. However, he has a hard time when I am involved with other people and gets upset with me and breaks up with me every time I assert that I need to have an open relationship (we have broken up and gotten back together many times). I think he feels like he would be a chump to stay with me when I obviously want to take the relationship down a notch and date other people.

I definitely cannot just stay with him until we get married, and I learn a lot from being involved with other people (when broken up) about what I like and want and how people compare. One of the biggest differences was that the other people were much more accommodating of my wishes than my boyfriend is.

However, I do not want to break up with him, as we add a lot to each other's lives. Moreover, both of us and the relationship are maturing, and I don't think we should make a final judgment on a relationship that is still growing so much.

-Is it right for us to have a more flexible relationship before committing to get married?
-If so, how can I get him to be ok with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 12:09pm

It happens often that two people break up for a period of time and date other people, then later re-commit to one another.

I agree that after dating since you were seventeen, you haven't dated enough to be ready to pick one person to settle down with. 20 is way, way, way too young. You have too much personal change ahead of you to know for sure.

I don't think an open or flexible relationship is flexible enough to really grant you two the leeway you need. You need to be able to break off emotionally from one another in order to truly have more meaningful relationships. Also... I think you both should spend a good amount of time single. There are so many things that you learn about yourself when you aren't dating someone... Sometimes dating people can hinder your personal growth.

Let this guy go for now and if it's meant to be, then you'll find your way back to one another. Right now, focus on yourself, friendships, college, career plans. You will discover a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2007
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 12:24pm
actually we are 22.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 12:34pm
Oops sorry, read that the wrong way the first time. It doesn't change my advice to you because I think you're still very young (I'm not that much older and I STILL feel too young), but I hope you will consider breaking up under friendly terms and putting the focus on yourselves rather than a relationship
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 12-23-2007 - 2:02pm

<< Let this guy go for now and if it's meant to be, then you'll find your way back to one another. Right now, focus on yourself, friendships, college, career plans. You will discover a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 12-24-2007 - 4:13am

Of course he breaks up with you when you say you want to see others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 12-24-2007 - 10:21pm

Welcome to the board xicota,


I totally agree with true.blue.strine's advice.