Dating dilemma, I need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Dating dilemma, I need some advice
4
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:18pm
I know this is going to sound terrible, but here it goes. I left my husband a few months ago and our divorce will be finialized around the beginning of March. In the process of our splitting up I had to move back to my hometown and stay with my parents until I can come up with the means of getting m own place. While here I spent a lot of time hanging out in different chat rooms online, where I would occassionally engage in chit-chat with other people.

A little over a month ago I met this man online and we had chatted, then talked on the phone and then we went out on a date. We hit it off great, which was unexpected since I wasn't really looking to meet someone. In the past month we've spent all of our free time together, which is mostly just weekends. He picks me up when he gets off work and we hang out around his place or with his friends until he takes me home the following Monday for work. This has been going on for about a month now. We didn't seem to have any problems when it came down to talking to each other about anything, which is nice for a change. Then suddenly V-Day hit. Every since then things have seemed different and I'm not sure if it's a good different or a bad different. He bought me flowers, a card which he wrote in how he has loved getting to know me and told me that he's falling in love with me. It also said that he wants me to have his heart if I want it and that he will love me if I will let him. It brought a tear to my eye, just knowing that I was feeling the same way, but felt to guilty to ever say anything... my divorce isn't even final yet. Also with these things he gave me a toothbrush... which struck me as odd, I though he was trying to tell me I had bad breath or something. But he said it was so I could have one at his house and wouldn't have to bring mine from home every weekend. I thought that the gesture was very sweet.

Now, after we have confessed our love to one another, he's suddenly acting different.He usually picks me up for our weekend together on Friday morning and drop me back off at home the following Monday morning. Except this week he called me to see if it was ok that he wait until Saturday mornig so that he could get some stuff around the house done. I said that was fine, even though I was really disappointed I didn't tell him that. Later he called back and asked if it were ok that he go ahead and wait until Sunday to pick me up. He said that he just needed some time for himself. I just know from experience that nothing good comes from one who says they need "time for them self".

He has said that nothing is wrong and that he still feels the same about me, he was just used to having all the time in the world to himself then we met and all our spare time is spent together. I don't know, but I can't get rid of this nagging gut feeling that there's more going on than meets the eye. I'm trying to be understanding because I don't want to send him running away screaming, but it just feels like something is going on and I can't figure it out.

Am I just being paranoid? Last weekend he said he was in love with me ad this weekend he said that he needs time away from me. To me that doesn't sound like a good thing so I'd like to have the opinion of someone else. I'm at my wits end and am starting to think I shouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place. But at the same time I never really knew that feeling alive could feel this good. I don't know what to do or think now... please help me!!

"Juliette lost in Romeo"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:53pm
Well I don't know this guy but I used to date plenty of guys who would do just that. Get overly excited at the beginning of a relationship, spend too much time together and just when things were getting serious they would fall off the planet. They would scare themselves by saying the 'L' word.

You need to talk to him and ask him if things are changing, if he wants to slow down, etc. Honestly it sounds like you two went too fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 5:35am

in general - you may need some more time before you get serious about anyone. you are not even divorced yet, and I am sure this is not what you want to hear - but its "too soon".


I was wondering about one thing, tho, you wrote < just know from experience that nothing good comes from one who says they need "time for them self". > could this possibly be a key to your problem? I think that people in a relationship DO need time for themself. are you possibly "smothering" him, are you being too needy/clingy? did this relationship become your life? I don't mean any disrespect but I think that in a relationship people need their "own" space and time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 6:16am
I don't take that as disrespectful whatsoever, I would have to agree with you actually. Part of the reason I left my husband was because I no longer had a life of my own, he was there every living breating moment of the day. It even went to the extent of him getting a job where I work.

But in the situation I'm in now, I'm only around on the weekend and it's only when invited. But if he felt that he needed some time to himself, why can't he just tell me up front. Instead he waits until the last possible moment and lets me know after I've looked forward to our going out all week long.

So it's not the matter of him wanting his own space that bothers me, because i too need my own space. But why tell me one thing all week long then at the last minute change his mind. I guess I just hate the fact that he has to "work up to" telling me these things rather than just being upfront and honest.I don't enjoy having to try to guess and figure it out for myself and it's not fair. This weekend I didn't even know ahead of time, so i couldn't make any plans and ended up being home alone all weekend. Then he said he would call yesterday about picking me up today and I never heard from him.

So should I just somewhat distance myself until he can make up his mind, or try to bare through it?

Thanks for your opinions, they do help believe it or not. :o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 1:46pm
My advice is, keep it light. Extra light. You are going through a divorce, and you have enough on your hands already. It will take time to be again in a committed relationship. Get yourself an independent life, make new friends, and get some perspective. Find a good use for your time to yourself, so you won't spend it pining and wondering. As for your romeo, cut back the romantic talk for now. Don't say "I love you." Don't be the first to call, and make him wait before returning his call (well, don't overdo that or he'll think you ar not interested).

Be less available. Plan a trip on a weekend, and tell him he cannot visit because you are going away with friends. Show him that he is not the pivot around which your life is turning.

He may be up to something. Then again, he may simply be aware he rushed things a bit, and want to pull back. There is nothing wrong with that, and you should play it byu the ear. He may have realized he talked about love too soon (I believe it tales time and communication before you can know and love a person), but he still may want to see you and see where the relationship goes.

Don't invest too much in someone you have known for a short time when you where overwhelmed by divorce. If he still keeps in touch regularly, see where it goes. If it seems that he is pulling off a disappearing act, don't even think about calling him back. Keep your self-respect, and save your love for someone more worthy.