Dating Nightmare

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Dating Nightmare
3
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:01pm
Hi, I honestly did not know where else to go. I am 47 years old and live in Oklahoma. Last September I got in touch with a man, age 45, who I knew 23 years ago. He specifically wanted to see me to see if there were any feelings.

To make a long story short, we saw each other this past January 2004, had a wonderful time until the last evening when he proceeded to tell me about this woman he has been trying to break up with; didn't spent the holidays with, etc. Then he went on to say how he loved me and wanted me to meet his friends, etc.

Ok, I am in Oklahoma and he is in Missouri. No call for 5 days so I called him. He said he said those words be cause he thought "I wanted to hear those words." Things are complicated a little because my 21-year old son is most likely his because of blood tests.

I found out who the woman was that he was trying to break up with and spoke with her. She thanked me for telling her; however, they are still together and the last conversation with the man entailed that I needed to stay out of his business; that he told me in confidence that he is trying to break up with this woman and that he loved me for me and that I am definitely going in the wrong way if I am interested in having any sort of relationship with him.

Bottom line, he has always been a firm believer that we should not about "heavy" things and then he pulls this. I refuse to call him to give him the satisfaction that I might still be thinking of him.

I know, most of you would say that I should forget about this loser. However, I loved him years ago and still do. Should I just ignore him and his situation and if he calls one day, deal with it then?

I know this seems to be a very easy question to answer but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: amyg8218
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:59pm
So, you raised what you believe is his son, he stil doesn't know about this, without his input, assistance, support, and guidance.

And 23 years later - YOU look him up, reconnect, have sex, he admits to you that he told you what you wanted to hear so that he'd have sex...and his present girlfriend says you need to stay out of their relationship - and you're wondering what to do?

Honey, he did not want YOU as a person - he wanted you as a sexual conquest and he got it. If he wants more "free sex" he might look you up -but at the moment he's in his state with his girlfriend - who very likely he's told that you're a wacko that he didn't have sex with, knew years ago, and that you're trying to rekindle what never was a romance or even a sexual gratification liason.

If you'd stop thinking of, pining for, associating with, and obsessing over him - you'd never hear from him again. It's been 23 years and you didn't - until YOU looked him up and pursued contact and sex. Same thing apparently you did 21 years ago...and look where that ended up.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: amyg8218
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:09pm

When you called the woman he is with and told her what he told you in private, this made him feel as though you were intruding into his private life, and also that he could not trust you. It

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: amyg8218
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:27pm
I wish Erin would have posted the sandwich analogy - taking what's offered.

While I agree with part of what drshoshanna wrote about intruding and trusting, trying to force a break. I think it's more than that. So I will try to break it down.

::Last September I got in touch with a man, age 45, who I knew 23 years ago. He specifically wanted to see me to see if there were any feelings.

You did the pursuing. He's taking what's offered.

:: had a wonderful time until the last evening when he proceeded to tell me about this woman he has been trying to break up with; didn't spent the holidays with, etc. Then he went on to say how he loved me and wanted me to meet his friends, etc.

So basically he was looking for a replacement relationship, without being done with the one he's in currently. So he's got one foot in and one foot out, or he's cheating on her, in any case he's not been honest and upfront with her. And you made it easy for him to look for the new relationship or have a fling, by contacting him.

::He said he said those words be cause he thought "I wanted to hear those words."

So basically he's lied to you too!

::Things are complicated a little because my 21-year old son is most likely his because of blood tests.

This does NOT complicate things. Your son is 21 - an adult, capable of pursuing a relationship with his father if he wants one, without any assistance from you.

::I found out who the woman was that he was trying to break up with and spoke with her. She thanked me for telling her; however, they are still together

Why would you contact her unless you thought 1) he was lying or 2) you wanted to help the break up along?

::and the last conversation with the man entailed that I needed to stay out of his business; that he told me in confidence that he is trying to break up with this woman and that he loved me for me and that I am definitely going in the wrong way if I am interested in having any sort of relationship with him.

PERSONALLY, I think he has no intention of breaking up with her. You offered to meet, he took you up on the offer, told you a "nice" story, let you dream, and fed your fantasy, but if he can follow through or not remains to be seen. Hon, if he was breaking up with her, he SHOULD have been a man and broke it off BEFORE meeting you.

::Bottom line, he has always been a firm believer that we should not about "heavy" things and then he pulls this.

Of course, he doesn't want to put his money where is mouth is, doesn't want anyone to call him on his stuff and doesn't want to be forced into doing anything he doesn't want.

::I know, most of you would say that I should forget about this loser. However, I loved him years ago and still do. Should I just ignore him and his situation and if he calls one day, deal with it then?

"I love him" has motivated you to contact a man that is in a relationship, pursue a relationship with him, hope for a relationship with him, has also allowed him to "cheat" on his current woman in his life, lie to both of you.

This is not love. The man has no integrity in my book. While you may love him, I think it's more about harboring false hope all these years about a dream of what could be *if only* and I know this is all coming across as harsh, which isn't really my intention, I hope only for it to be a wake up call for you to start living a full life on your own without the false hope of a relationship with him. He doesn't deserve it.

My best to you.


Carrie