the dating volleyball wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
the dating volleyball wife
5
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 7:42am
This is an old story of the volleyball wife who cannot or will not include me in her adult social life. The brief version is that my wife plays volleyball twice per week with an unmarried younger man who picks her up for all the games. She also goes on volleyball "dates" with this same person. I recently confronted her about this (again) and said that I would start playing volleyball too. She, of course, started the immediate smoke screen of reasons why I couldn't play with her team-some of them true, since I haven't played in 10 years. I also intercepted an e-mail where she was really upset that I started playing again and told her "friend" that I was not going to ruin "her social life". Now, this sounds like total crap to me. Anyway, we went to the opening party. She, of course, still went with her "friend" and I went by myself. She gave some lame excuse that I needed to meet my new team early and she didn't. I told her it sounded like BS, but she's an idiot and does obviously stupid things anyway. So I go to the place and have a great time and actually didn't even see her come in, she had to come tell me. The time we spent with the triad of "boyfriend", wife and me was somewhat awkward, but I actually had a good time while boyfriend kind of faded into the background. I left early to get my daughter, my idea. Well, I remained pissed off and confronted my wife again, with the thought that I was pretty much going to divorce her, and I told her that this BF crap was BS and that she should figure out what marraige means and decide if she loves me or not. Much to my surprise, she insisted that she loves me and that there is nothing going on and that she would like to do more things with me. With severe reservations, I'm taking her for her word. In the meantime, I called up boyfriend and told him that he was some kind of freaking A-hole for thinking he could date my wife and that I would re-arrange his brain matter is he didn't back off. I also said that my wife and I had discussed him and that we were still in love with each other. He insisted that nothing is going on and that nothing ever would go on and that he is only my wifes friend and that is "all it would ever be". Anyway, we didn't part as exactly friends, but I'm pretty happy that he knows I hate his guts.

Anyway, that's where things stand now. I'm keeping an eye on the situation and have serious doubts about the long-term fallout of all of this, but who knows. The funny thing is, even though my wife can be an inconsiderate jerk, I still find myself hopelessly in love with her. I miss being really close and affectionate, because I still have lingering doubts. It seems like a total foolish inconsiderate waste on her part, but fools are fools, and there seems to be no known cure for that. That's it for now, I'll keep you posted of new developments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 11:32am
You need to read the affair support board. Wives use love and trust as a cover for affairs. Any time they are doing something that they don't want you to be a part of with another man it should be a big RED FLAG. Get your stuff in order and don't let your love for her over rule common sense. You are providing something she wants (security, money, etc.) the fun is somewhere else. Don't be taken for a ride. Threating the boyfriend won't change the wife's emotional commitment in his direction. Sorry for you and your daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 6:57pm
Actually I met my xhusband at a volleyball court.. but neither of us was married...

I am a volleyball player.. even though I was competitive and my hus was not that good.. we still played on the same team.... Now that I am dating....I want my boyfriend to come to the games.. one exception would be a GIRLS night out (my friends to have a break from their kids)...not guys... Why is he picking her up?? She cant drive? If she wants that much of a social life she needs to get divorced since she does not act like she is married... my xhusband didnt act like he was married either.. 2 weeks before we got divorced.. found out he was cheating.. the good old phone records.. You have to ask yourself can you be comfortable with her playing vball with him.. and your mind be at ease all summer long??? I think you know the answer to that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:04pm
The general concensus is like you said, my wife isn't acting like she's married. I could live with it if I was sometimes invited or included in their "extra" volleyball social events. I've told her that and there have not been any extra events since. The elephant in the room that no one talks about (except me), is that I've still not been invited to any of these "extra" events. We'll see what happens next time. I suspect that the ___t will hit the fan. I've been steadily stepping up the pressure and questioning her deeper motives. I'm not convinced yet that things are irreparably damaged, but I think I'll know (for sure) pretty soon. I am being ripped to emotional pieces by this, but I'm not quite ready for divorce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:08pm
Thanks for the message, I'll check out the other board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:28pm
Just remember you can get over loving someone but the price of being a fool last a long time. Your wife's secret life has trouble all over it. I would cancel all joint credit cards, close out any joint bank accounts, and document suspecious activity to try to get your daughter in case of a divorce. She can use your love for her to send you down a detour while she does what she wants to.