Dating VS. Just Friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Dating VS. Just Friends
6
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 10:42pm
How do you distinguish between dating someone or being just friends with someone???

The reason I ask is this...

My boyfriend of a year just moved two hours away because he decided to go back to school. The reason he moved so far away is his brother and a friend needed another roomate for their house, and my boyfriend needed to move out of his house. He's 23 and I'm 19 and we seem to disagree as to what consitutes as "dating" other people.

This is what I told him I thought constituted as dating... "Taking another girl out to dinner or to see a movie or whatever, and him paying for her." He thinks this is ridiculous. He thinks it's perfectly fine to take a girl out and pay for her if they are just friends. So I said "Would you pay for Travis (a male friend) when you went out and did something?" he said that's different. I don't think it is.

This is what he told me was dating..."If you like the other person or they like you and you spend alot of time with them."

Am I totally wrong here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 6:33am
yunat1...

Pianoguy thinks either a man or a woman "can occasionally pick up the tab" for a movie, dinner, sporting event or something special. However...it doesn't mean that any dating has to be involved. It's a nice friendship gesture.

Lots of friends have been nice enough to buy me dinner (or a surprise gift)...and I try to reciprocate in a similar way. We like each other as friends...and nothing more! Doesn't mean I want to be exclusive!

With your b/f's recent move, you might want to concentrate on how much the 2 of you are seeing each other...as opposed to 'who pays for what?'

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:07pm
Yeah I think you're right. I'm just really insecure about his move and I'm afraid he's going to find some girl down there. I guess it's stupid. So far we haven't seen each other yet, but he has only been down there a week. I wanted to be able to see him every weekend, but he told me there was no way that was going to happen. He has school and a new job... I feel like he just doesn't want to make an effort. Again, I don't know though. Maybe my expectations were just way too high.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:22pm
yunat1,

Whenever a partner (b/f or g/f) goes through changes in their life, the focus is on getting settled. This doesn't necessarily mean you aren't part of the equation.

Problem is...you have to learn to accept the change. And when you've been in close contact with anybody for a long time...and that person takes off...you have to make an adjustment. So rather than concentrate on whether or not your b/f will 'make an effort' to keep your relationship going...how about concentrating on the events in your life?

Trust me...if the 2 of you are supposed to be together...it'll be very clear within the next few months...one way or the other!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 1:12pm
So he would never buy Travis dinner because he's not out to IMPRESS him. But with a new friend (read that female) he wants to treat her, his new friend because he's looking to impress her. JMO

I think if they trade off 'buying' then it might not be considered dating or if they go dutch. But he's playing with fire and risks devoloping strong feelings for 'just a friend' the more he hangs out with her.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 3:36pm
I agree with itwinflame. The thing is, while I was dating I went out with guy friends alone and they paid for me...but it was never somewhere fancy and I didn't do it a whole lot. I have even done it a few times since I've been married. However, while this was something I thought was okay on a few occasions, I would definately not be okay with my guy taking out a girl alone regularly and paying for her. It IS playing with fire. In my experience when a guy has a different definition of dating or a relationship he's usually confessed afterwards that he knew it was wrong but figured if he had a different inturpritation he could go as far as he could without getting in trouble. Does that make sense? But I'm not saying that every guy does it...people obviously DO have different views on what is dating.

Anyway, I wouldn't stress out about it...unless he is taking out only one girl alone and paying for her frequently. I mean, couldn't they hang out in a group? Unless it's alone a LOT I wouldn't worry too much. Just my opinion.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 7:03pm
Ok I feel alot better about it now. I just didn't know if I was being paranoid or not. And yes, I do realize I have to get used to the situation since it's new. My boyfriend is really concerned about getting settled where he is now and getting school and the new job figured out. I guess I was being too needy saying he had to see me every weekend? lol I'm just so used to seeing him all the time it's hard to imagine seeing him two weekends a month. And now I'm not gonna get the chance to see if it works becuase he broke up with me Sunday. He says he realized I'm always going to worry about him and other girls and not seeing him. I said that's not fair because he hasn't given either one of us a chance to get used to the new change. The thing I dont' get is he still wants to see me and hang out and talk to me on the phone...now I know what you're all thinking, but when I told him I wasn't doing it that way again, and that if he wanted to break up with me that was it. No seeing each other,no hanging out. He got really upset and said that wasn't fair. He told me he wants to start over and this is the way he thinks it will work. I know he loves me and wants to be with me, but why is the "label" or lack thereof so hard for him to accept? He treats me so awesome when we say we're friends, but as soon as the "girlfriend" label becomes part of the equation he stops being affectionate and doing all the things he did before...why is this?