Daughter & "Online" BF

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Daughter & "Online" BF
8
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 4:36pm
I am furious atm. Yes, my daughter is a young adult. She recently broke up with her bf of many yrs and moved back home. The reason she broke up with him was because she wanted to continue a relationship w/a person she met online who lives in another country. They have never met in person, but spent a lot of time talking online. This has been going on for several months now. I know, stay out of it, but it's affecting me now. A few months ago I received our cell phone bill and it was about $800. Apparently he would call her and they claim they didn't know it was going to cost this much (it was free for him through Skype). She paid me and he claimed he would pay once he starts work. Of course he never paid a dime. A few weeks ago my house phone was ringing after 11 pm. I didn't answer, and the person kept calling repeatedly. I was getting very angry, so she finally answered and pretended it was a wrong number. She eventually admitted it was him and I told her he can NEVER call this house. Last night I was sound asleep and at around 3 am I heard talking. I went in her room to see she was on her cell phone. I asked her who it was and it was him, he had called her. They had been on the phone for 20 min. I was so angry. I don't like this whole situation. My daughter should be dating people HERE instead of spending so much time talking with someone she does not know. He could be a child molester for all we know. Since she doesn't pay rent or do anything around the house, I told her she needs to move out.
Probably not the right forum to post this, but I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 7:51pm

No offense... But I am a young adult myself (25) and I can see it from her point of view.

I assume she has a job. She's absolutely 100% responsible for the phone costs that she accrued. It's also your house and you make the rules.

But you don't get to choose who your daughter dates no matter where she lives. She really likes this guy, and you're driving a wedge between you. You have every right to get upset at the phone bill, or to ask her to lower the volume at 3am, or even ask her to leave your home. But if your motivation for doing these things is this guy in particular, then you will drive her away because it will be very obvious that you are motivated by anger.

I wish I could offer you more. I just thought it would help to hear a perspective from someone closer to her age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 11:36pm

Welcome to the board dreamlovrs,


It's your house and your rules. I understand your concern for her safety.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 2:33am

Hello, I am a young adult too close to your daughter’s age and I completely disagree with eggbertshootsfire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 10:51am
I think you may be reading words that were not written if you are assuming that she is "destroying all her relationships in real life".
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 11:16am

There are two different issues here.


1) She is an adult and has every right to talk to and 'date' who she wants whether they live next door or across the world. She is an adult. Let her make her own mistakes. You can't control her and getting angry with her about who she dates will only create more stress and strain your your relationship with her. Stop talking to her about this guy who 'could be a child molester.' Child molesters live in your town too so if you use that excuse you will only piss her off.


2)Sit down with her and create house rules. Why are you paying for her phone calls anyway? She can use her cell phone

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 1:17pm
Thank you to everyone.
I will be calling the cell phone company today and taking her off my plan. She also gave me a check to help with bills and will be looking into other living arrangements. Yes, she needs to grow up and be on her own. I am very disappointed in her choosing to avoid real-life relationships for one man she has never met. I agree that you can never truly know a person that you met over the internet so for those two to say "I love you" and we are "boyfriend/girlfriend" just makes me sick to my stomach. It's easy to fall for guys on the internet if they are charming and have the same interests, but then the rest just becomes a fantasy (at least imo). It's happened to me too so you have to snap out of it and get back into reality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 1:32pm
If you have been in her position before then you probably understand that she needs to work this out on her own.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 1:34pm

I can understand how worrying and frustrating this must be to you. However, your daughter is an adult, and has to make her own choices. If you have told her how you feel, that's all you can do now. Clearly, her relationship with her former boyfriend was not fulfilling, or else this new relationship would not have been able to take hold. Rather than kick her out of the house because you are so disappointed in her, why not make sure she pays rent and does her chores? She did pay that large phone bill. Give her an opportunity to do what's right and respect herself both in her eyes and yours. The more you fight and resist this relationship, the stronger it can grow. The more you give her space to figure out for herself what's going on, and help her grow and feel good about herself, the more likely it is she will make a wise choice.


All good wishes,