Day 5 of our "Great Stand-off"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Day 5 of our "Great Stand-off"
6
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:09am
Some of you have been kind of enough to reply to my posts from a few days back. For those of you not familiar with what's going on---a quick synopsis:

Boyfriend and I had a fight on Sunday afternoon. He said that I talk about the future too much and I'm too lovey-dovey and has found other ways to tell me that he does not care for some of my character traits. Yes, I realize that I am future-minded and he may not be. But after two years or so, you assume that it is OK to talk about anything to your great companion. Despite him getting very angry and critical, I also am not without fault. In the heat of battle (where I am normally very cool and grounded), I blurted out "maybe we just need some time to breathe. Maybe we don't appreciate each other anymore. Maybe if you don't like all these certain things about me, you are not in love with me anymore." With this comment, I headed to the bathroom as I recognized that things were escalating downward. When I came out he had his shoes on and said "Just remember you said it...not I." and left. That night I stewed (how dare he tell me about all my faults, while I have to sit there and take it)...but came to the conclusion that things are best left alone and that anger is a waste of time. I began to feel remorse for what I said ---- as I knew that he DID indeed love me, but like so many of us, don't always express it. So I called and offered a sincere apology and that asked if he wanted to say anything...He asked if I felt better for saying it and I replied "Yes." His reply was a swift: "Well, I'm glad you feel better. I have nothing further to say to you. Goodnight."

Since then we have had this great "Stand-off" where we have not called or interacted at all. Cool down periods are important, but after a few days, it's rediculous. So, I wanted to extend the olive branch once more and called. This time leaving a VM that said "Hi, know we haven't spoken in a while and needed time to cool off. Was just calling to check on you and see if we could talk."

Apparently not, because I received no phone call back. He has not retrieved his stuff from my aparment yet (which usually signals a break-up) and yet he has not called. Part of me is feeling very hurt and indignant right now. I didn't call to "thrash" out who was wrong/right, but simply to talk and work through things as a team. It appears there is only a team of one now and I'm exasperated. This non-communication is sooo frustrating. I don't know what to do and you can't MAKE someone talk to you. Suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:51am
I personally think you gave hiim the "easy out"....because he was ging to have to do something to get you to shut up and stop talking about a future with him - he doesn't want one, won't have one with you.

He's saying that you're thinking too far in advance, and putting "him" too much in your future plans and goals. You rightfully assessed - maybe we need a break...in actuality meant "we don't want the same things, should we be together?"

And he said "I better get out now before I have to do the breaking up and be the bad guy and admit to her that I don't want to spend my life with her - just nights at my convenience."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 12:39pm
I feel for you. I kind of hate to say what I'm about to, but it's better than suffering with guilt and remorse, as you seem to be doing now. My ex-husband used to say that the best defense is a good offense. I think it's highly likely that your boyfriend more or less backed you into a corner so you HAD to say something in your defense. Then, he took that, blew it out of proportion and used it as an excuse to dump everything on you! It's not your fault, from what I can gather. We ALL say things we wished we hadn't at times. If he was genuine, he would try to work it out with you and take his share of responsibility. He should be willing to say he's sorry, also. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 12:52pm
This speaks volumes -

::"Just remember you said it...not I." and left.

He thinks you broke up with him and he's letting it stand. He's not going to discuss it, rehash it, work it or reconcile.

Sorry for your pain. My best advice is don't contact him anymore. Let him come to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 9:24pm
I have been following your posts and I agree with Erin on this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 9:40pm
I'm with Erin on this one. The fact that he didn't want to hear you talking about a future with him and that you're too lovey-dovey sounds like a red flag to me. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he was already leaning towards heading for the door and he took his out. I don't know the situation first hand, obviously, so I can't say anything for sure. But that's what it sounds like.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 9:49am
As hard as it maybe, you have to wait for him to call you. Easier said than done I realize but I think that if you continue to call - it could be perceived as harassing - like you are forcing him to talk to you when he doesn't want to talk. I think that your statement that you made was totally shocking to him and he is trying to sort out what is what for right now. I believe that when he is ready to call you, he will but until that time, you will have to just move on with life.

Good luck!