is this a dead end relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
is this a dead end relationship
8
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 1:22pm
For the past week I have really been feeling down in the dumps and unmotivated. I don't like my job, i live at home, i have a nice savings but feel like i'm broke. I just want to scream....and to add to the list I don't think I can be with my boyfriend anymore and I'm hoping you can give me some advice in this area!

I am 25 years old and I have a lot going for me right now. I joined a pilates class, I'm successful in terms of where I am within my industry and for my age. In September I will be going back to get my master's degree. I'm leaving for Florida on Sunday for a vacation and I'm doing things I enjoy.

I know it's like I contradict myself...see I have all these good things going on and I feel down in the dumps.

But the one thing that upsets me most often is my boyfriend. We've been together for a year and a half now. He's 22 years old and graduated college last Aug. We met at work (I'm his manager). In the beginning we use to always hang out and do things together -like stay overnight in a hotel, go to a play, the movies, baseball games the works. It was fun and every now and then he would put up a fit about wanting to spend time with his friends and that i'm always with him. Then he'd pick a fight with me and not want to talk for a couple of days. It got to the point where i told him i could do this anymore and we broke up (for a week). Well i kissed another boy that week and when we saw each other again i told him and he said i broke his heart and he doesn't want to lose me.

So we got back together and things were great. We went to weddings, down the shore, BBQ's and had a great summer....in Sept we went to Punta Cana just the two of us...horseback riding, snorkling, spa treatments the works.

While he was in school I helped him write his papers, i helped write his resume and even helped him get his first real job.

After our trip he really started with the fact that we are always together. So I backed off. I use to be at his house everday and now i'm going to pilates class, having dinner with friends, watching tv and reading a book. I may go over his house once a week. On the weekends I want to hang out but his friends come first and drinking seems to win everytime. Most of the time I'm not allowed to go with him. I might meet up with him and my friends later but I can't go with him. It's as if what I want doesn't matter.

He tells me he loves me but doesn't know if he wants a girlfriend. The only time he'll talk about his feelings is if he's drunk. I try to be supportive of him and I've given him anything he's asked for. He is a really sweet guy and he's there for me when I need him but on a whole he's not happy and therefore I think our relationship suffers.

Sidenote: He just lost his father in April due to a few monthes of sickness and his final days at home with hospice. Now it's just him and his mom at home.

But our problems did start before this. It's just that now especially he's so negative and grumpy all the time. He sleeps and he's pushing me away. Like I said his friends are number one b/c they will go and drink with him and my being there must be a reminder of something so i'm not invited!

i don't know what to do anymore. I fear that if I tell him how I feel it will be over - yet I can't go on like this anymore. I don't want to put limitations on us. I understand there are times for just the guys but not every Fri, Sat and Sun. I ask him to go to dinner, he says no, to a game he says no....i try to make plans today for Fri and he says no. it's not all about him......

what can i do to save this? can i save this or do i just end it?????

please help...i know this is long but it's my frustration and confusion!

what should i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 2:56pm
It sounds like there may be a few problems here.

1. He is a 22 year old male. Yes, of course he is going to want to be with friends and go drinking. Not to mention that typically, men at this age are immature.

2. You sound like your smothering him. You cant always be with him. You have to give him room. Hes only 22! It sounds like your totally dependant on him for entertainment, companionship and support.

3. You sound somewhat immature yourself. Have you ever had another relationship? Especially one with someone your own age? i dont mean this disrespectfully .

4. You sound depressed to top it all off.

Yes, it sounds like a dead end relationship. Your depressed, hes 3 years younger than you, immature, and doesnt even know if he wants a girl friend. I understand you have been with him a while and care for him, but why would you want to be with someone who isnt even sure they want you around? That should be your answer right there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 3:04pm
Run! No matter what he says he is not ready for a commitment!

Remember the old saying that actions speak louder than words? He is proving it right. He sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. (In fact I dated a guy just like this once.) I thought I could fix him. Now that I'm older and have my life together I know that I don't want to fix someone, I just want someone to share my time with.

Bottom line if you aren't getting what you need from the relationship and the person in question is unable to help rectify the situation, it isn't worth your time. They will never make you happy. It hurts to think we have invested our time into something not worth our time, but time will heal. You deserve someone who is looking for the same type of relationship that you are. Is it fun to feel rejected like that all the time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 4:18pm
'It's as if what I want doesn't matter. '

Exactly. So why put up with it any longer? He doesn't want you as a girlfriend but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. That romantic gesture of getting you back wore off a long time ago and now you have a relationship that is hanging by a thread and controlled by him. He keeps you on the sidelines so he can see his friends and then fit you in when he wants to see you.

'what can i do to save this? '

You can't save it on your own. He has to want to see you more often and commit to the relationship or it will go nowhere fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 6:59pm
I'd say end it, but if you really want to try a little longer i'd say that you should turn this around, don't ask to go with him and his friends, don't invite him to do things with you. Try to go out with your friends more often and don't invite him and don't try to meet up with him. Make him try to spend time with you- hopefully he'll come around and realize its not fun to be left out- but if he still doesn't seem to care after getting a taste of his medicine- you'll either have to accept it or leave him because hes not worth it. Good Luck!

*ezizabef*

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 12:12am
You have been mothering him, he took it for all its worth, and now of course he wants to have a good time. Cut your losses and start school as a single woman, in great shape both emotionally and phisically (Pilates will help with that!). Don't let him whine and guilt-trip you into going back: it would be same old, same old. 'Dead end' is what best describes this relationship. He only seems to want you around when he needs support. Run away. You will feel a lot better on your own. If you still are depressed, try counseling, but my experience (stuck in a dead end relationship with a guy I felt bad about leaving...) tells me you won't need it, once you are single and free.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 3:55pm
Thank you to everyone who got thru my long long post and responded. It's nice to know that i have somewhere to turn when my life seems upside down. Maria, CatGirl, Gina, Ezizbet and gunner...your words of advice have definitely been heard and I do understand that this is a dead end relationship...Ezizabef I like what you said about giving him a taste of his own medicine. And catgirl you are right actions do speak louder than words.

Just so you know this is the first guy i've dated that is younger than me. I've dated a guy my age for a year and a half and a guy 2 years older for 2 years and broke if off when he proposed - i wasn't ready.

time will tell but for now i'm gonna go and enjoy the single life and get my affairs in order!

Thank you again for all your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 4:56pm
its sounds to me like he is scared of comitment so he is staying with his friends, i think the only way to overcome this is, to treat him the way he treats you go out with your friends if he asks you out say your busy, see what happens if nothing comes of it i would leave the relationship. good luck x
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:52pm
I think he is scared of commitment. It sounds like he loves you and maybe its a little scary to him because he doesnt want to grow up or see his relationship with his frieds dwindle. It sounds like he just isnt ready. I would give him some more time to come around if he is only 22. Hes probably still in party mode.