Deal breaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2012
Deal breaker?
8
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 9:49pm
My H and I har been married for 71/2 years. We have 2 sons (8 and 5). Things have been rocky for a while and we were almost going to divorce in July. There have been a few big stressors for us ... One our work schedules ... I work from home and he's a fire fighter so he's home a lot and doesn't always understand why I can't come out of the office 'for just a minute'. We also run my business together and as good as he is at some things, he doesn't quite get others and gets irritated when I try to help. (admittedly, I know I probably don't try to help in the best way) this also means we are always together which I actually don't think is healthy. Two he is more of a friend to our sons than a parent. He is an AMAZING father and I am so lucky, but he doesn't always back me up and I struggle with that. The third and biggest and the one I feel like finally may be a deal breaker now is this ...
For years I wanted another baby and he didn't ... It put a lot of stress on our marriage. When we almost divorced in July I finally have it up. I agreed for the sale of our family to stop asking for another baby. Well we found out in early Jan that I was unexpectedly pregnant. This was a total shock for a number of reasons, mostly because I had an IUD in and we'd only had sex twice in Dec. An ultrasound revealed that the IUD was gone and the best guess is that it fell out at some point. H was initially upset but once we saw the heartbeat started to come to terms with everything and talk about the baby and make plans. I was absolutely ecstatic ... Though often times afraid to show it. I swear I loved the baby before it was conceived ... I called it my miracle baby because it happened against all odds (I was actually even going to have a hysterectomy in Feb because of consistent problems with my period. My drs had told me for a long time that unless Inwas having more kids my parts were causing me more trouble than they were worth) ... This baby was so meant to be in my eyes. Then the worst happened. Two weeks after seeing a strong heartbeat an ultrasound revealed the heart had stopped beating. I had a D and C the next day. This is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever been through! The thing is I know now I can't go back to that place of saying I don't want another baby. And he says this doesn't change anything ... We can't try again because we weren't 'trying' in the first place and he would have loved that baby but he doesn't want another one. I am so mad at him and feel like I'm going to resent him for the rest of my life. I love him obviously, but this miscarriage has changed things in me. Being pregnant I planned a future in my head (and heart) for our family with a baby. Before the pregnancy that future never existed. Right now H went away for A few days to think about things and told me he'd give me an answer when he gets back. I just really don't think that if his answer is no I'll be able to stay. It hurts too much and the resentment is too strong. I don't know what to do. I don't want to tear my family apart but I know a lifetime of this won't be healthy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
In reply to: bg0717
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 11:19pm

I am so sorry for your loss. Just because you weren't planning to have the baby doesn't make it any less meaningful for you and for your family. Sometimes the most unexpected things in life are the best things. But I hope that you will get through your sorrow and make things work with your husband. Personally although your desire to have another baby is 100% legitimate, I don't think that not having one at this point should be a dealbreaker with your husband. I just mean that

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: bg0717
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 11:53pm

I'm sorry for your loss, but that's the way it worked out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: bg0717
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 1:32am

Bg, I'm so sorry for your loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2012
In reply to: bg0717
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 3:51am
I guess I should have elaborated a little. I am 35 and my H will be 42. I know another baby won't 'fix' things and that's not what I want. I see all our other issues as fixable but this desire to have another baby is something that is so much more. I have admitted to him that I know the timing isn't the best but because if our ages feel like its a now or never situation. What I've actually asked him is if we can try until the end on June ( this would have me due before March which for my business would put me in my slow season) and if it doesn't happen then I will give up the idea ... At least if we give it one more shot and it doesn't work it's mother nature I can be resentful at, not my H. I think this need/desire to have a third child can only be fully understood by someone who feels it. It is no less strong than the desire to have my first child was and no less heartbreaking than it would have been if I had been told no then. I do have 2 wonderful children and I love them so much, but I am not complete. That's the only way I can think to describe it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2012
In reply to: bg0717
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 3:53am
Interesting ... I must have been logged in under the user name I created for the expecting club. I had forgotten all about that one and somehow I've been logged out and back in with that monicer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
In reply to: bg0717
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 4:39am

"It's not like it's your first child, you already have children"


I am sorry I just have to point out that this is extremely insensitive, just because it was not her first pregnancy, it does not mean it was any less painful. There are lot of woman on this board who are trying to keep a pregnancy and whether it is a first or tenth child, miscarriage is painful just the same.


I agree with everything else you said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: bg0717
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 12:13pm

I think that since you have other issues in your marriage and were thinking about divorce anyway it would not be a good time to try to have another baby w/o working on those other issues first--what if you did have a baby & still ended up divorcing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: bg0717
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 12:37pm

You are right that a lifetime of your resentment and anger towards H for not wanting another child will not be healthy.