dealing with an ex-wife
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dealing with an ex-wife
| Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:40pm |
I am happily married to a wonderful man who went through a divorce nearly two years ago.
His ex-wife is a thorn in my side as she still calls him to come over and help fix the plumbing, mow the lawn, etc. During the first year of separation/divorce this happened more often than I'd like and while it has now become a rarity, it stills happens and bothers me immensly, I have mentioned my issues about it to him but it still goes on. I don't worry that he'll cheat with her, it just intrudes on my comfort zone since he's my husband and should be taking care of our household first. She wanted the divorce and as far as I'm concerned it's now her household to run and support without him. I have had to start seeing my therapist again to help deal with an ever deepening depression about the issue. I have been trying to find support groups because I need people who can understand what I'm going through. Divorce support groups are plentiful but only if you're the one actually going through the divorce, not trying to deal with the aftermath as a new spouse. I'm feeling increasingly alone even though I know that's not the case. Are there any resources for people in my situation or am I limited to my private therapist? I'm afraid this is going to take a toll on our relationship.
Edited 3/19/2007 1:56 pm ET by dre75
His ex-wife is a thorn in my side as she still calls him to come over and help fix the plumbing, mow the lawn, etc. During the first year of separation/divorce this happened more often than I'd like and while it has now become a rarity, it stills happens and bothers me immensly, I have mentioned my issues about it to him but it still goes on. I don't worry that he'll cheat with her, it just intrudes on my comfort zone since he's my husband and should be taking care of our household first. She wanted the divorce and as far as I'm concerned it's now her household to run and support without him. I have had to start seeing my therapist again to help deal with an ever deepening depression about the issue. I have been trying to find support groups because I need people who can understand what I'm going through. Divorce support groups are plentiful but only if you're the one actually going through the divorce, not trying to deal with the aftermath as a new spouse. I'm feeling increasingly alone even though I know that's not the case. Are there any resources for people in my situation or am I limited to my private therapist? I'm afraid this is going to take a toll on our relationship.
Edited 3/19/2007 1:56 pm ET by dre75

Your husband needs to learn boundaries with his ex. If they have children together, he will still have to maintain some sort of relationship with her. Do they have children? I think it is very good that you are going to see a therapist.
Have your told your husband that his contact with his ex bothers you?
glitter-graphics.com
It seems as though she doesn't want him but yet she doesn't want anybody else to have him either. Have you spoke with your husband about how this feels? Have you told him that it bothers you and you feel that you should be number one in his life and not her? It seems like he's helping her out still but why? Has he told you this? I think something that would really help would be to ask him to sit back and put himself in your shoes... how would he feel if you were spending significant amount of time helping your ex husband do chores and such?
It seems as though he's not respecting you or your feelings and that is unexceptable, or maybe you haven't shared your feelings with him.
My suggestion to you would be to sit down and make a list of all your feelings on the issue. How it makes you feel, why it makes you feel like that, what you would like to see happen, and most of all what it will take for you to be happy.
I'm sure you love him and I'm sure he loves you... its just a matter of figuring out what it takes to solve the problem and make not only him, but also YOU happy.
As for support groups, i'm really not sure. I wish i could help you.
Good luck and you're in my thoughts!!
"the whole thing has been pretty hard on me too since we met and started dating a few months after they were separated"
Yikes! You have to realize that he was still on the rebound when you met. he has to figure out how to live without his wife, with his children on a limited basis and then adjust to a new girlfriend. When he goes to the house to fix things is it also a chance to visit with his children too? ist he house still in his name?
He has been this way since you have known him and he may not stop on his own so you will need to decide if you can handle living with the ex always in his life in one way or another or not.
Hi dre75 and welcome to the board.
Read this, then print it and give it to him to read...maybe he will get it:
Male Emotional Adultery Essay
When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.
My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.
Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.
Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.
Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.
In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?
If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?
What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.
The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?
Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!
This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.
it seems your husband is only divorced for *nearly* 2 years, right?...meaning in less then 2 years hes fallen in love with you AND made the huge decision to marry...IMO it may be he moved too fast into a new marriage before letting the dust settle from his first marriage...from what i hear its important a divorcee wait a good year before beginning a new serious romance ~ to properly grieve the marriage and to adjust to single life again (learn to thrive on ones own without a partner, gain complete separation from former spouse, etc) and effectively avoid stresses such as you are witnessing...IF he had waited a couple of years before getting romantically involved, its highly likely this issue with his X would have passed...i've also read sound advice that predicts it often takes a good 4 - 6 years for X-spouses to truly break the "couple habits" and function completely indepandantly.
when i first met my DSO 4 years ago, he had only been single for 6 months...his X at that point appeared still to be extremely dependant upon him ~ expecting him to mow her lawn, tend her car maintence (brake/oil changes), calling with "emergencys" such her car breaking down and when she was sick and needed the ER, etc...it has since lessened considerably to where his X is becoming very independant of him (as it should be)...at first i was stressed by her intrusion (frequent calls, almost harrassing in nature)...now i realize that was *normal* behavior for the time frame of only recently ended marriage....she now has a support system that does not include her XH, i can't imagine she'd ever want him to mow her lawn or take her to the emergency room again....she has calmed down very much and he hardly hears from her any longer, except thru non-emotional email or short phone calls regarding the children.
my suggestion would be to have some patience and expect this will take some time for his X (and him) to adjust fully to being separate individuals, to break old habits, and to develop new support systems.
honey