Dealing with his ex and their relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2011
Dealing with his ex and their relationship
Mon, 12-26-2011 - 9:05pm

I have a new-ish boyfriend who I've known for years and who is from another country. He had a long distance girlfriend that he was with for 10 years before he broke up with her and we got together. We were friends for years and I've always had strong feelings for him. This week he went back home for the holidays and got together with his ex to move things out of the apartment that they shared. He had a hard time with it, was very upset about the ending of the relationship, even more so since he went home and faced the moving of his things and the memories and all that jazz. I was there for him and understood how it must be hard, after all, 10 years is a long time. I, his new girlfriend, consoled him over his breakup with her, his ex-grilfriend.

Today he told me that he's been hanging out with her beyond the moving of his stuff. Last night he went to see a movie with her. I'm having a hard time deciphering how this news is making me feel, but it's something between anger and hurt... I don't know if these are appropriate feelings to have.

It's not a matter of trust, as I do believe that he's not having sex with her or anything like that. But to hear that he's spending time with this girl who he has been clear in saying will always mean a lot to him makes me feel devastated. It's as if the only thing that has changed is who he sleeps with. He also said that, regarding their break-up, he wants to "at least" stay good friends with her. I'm really peeved and I suppose it's just jealousy. I want to tell him how this is making me feel simply because it's elicited such a strong emotion in me, but I don't know what to say or if even bringing it up is crazy (I really don't want to be that girl that dictates who boyfriend hangs out wtih and for how long, I have no interest in that). But, I feel like there needs to be a line drawn. I listened when he cried (literally) to me about her, and now I'm hearing that they're spending lots of time together... I just don't know what he thinks this is. I'm not in the mood to be strung along but he means a lot to me and I know there is no ill-intent. I wonder if I'm not being understanding with his situation, because this sort of thing normally wouldn't bother me if it weren't for the fact that I like him so much and that he's my only friend.

He's coming back in a few days and I was so psyched to see him but my feelings are very hurt.

Bit of a rant but I would love some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 12-26-2011 - 11:12pm

I know your not going to like this, but from the way you describe things it sounds like he is still emotionally attached to his ex. He wants to remain good friends with her which means what? that they'll be talking/texting all the time?
This close friendship he he wants to have with her is bound to create a lot of jealousy on your part. and it not going to go over well with you. In my opinion he needs to make a clean break from her for you to really feel secure in this relationship. One really shouldn't start a new relationship with someone until they've gotten over the ex. I can see this "good friendship" creating a lot of problems here. And why is he your only friend? What happens if she decides to move there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 12-26-2011 - 11:21pm

If he's that crazy about her, if he cries about her.........then why is he leaving her for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-27-2011 - 11:39am

I'm wondering if she was the one who dumped him, maybe cause they were long distance?