dealing with a liar

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
dealing with a liar
8
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 9:42am
Maried 10 years three kids (2 together)ages 10/6. My husband is great he helps with the house work,works hard ,great provider,spends alot of time with the children.Over all he is a great man.I have been a stay at home mom for the entire marriage.I want to work he says no, the kids need you!
The problem is he works 60-70 hours a week.I have caught him in many lies all small.
He lies about such small things all the time that I belive there is bigger lies I have not caught him in.I've lost all trust and the respect for him. Ive asked for a divorce and he acts as if there is nothing wrong. When I ask him to talk about it he avoids me.
He still continues to lie. I asked him last month to get help, he went to one appt. and has not been back.WHAT DO I DO?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:26am

Welcome to the board jessmurd,


You need to let your know husband that he needs to continue to get help or you will move forward with the divorce. It sounds like he needs to know you are serious. It may also be good to go to marriage counseling together.


Do you have any other problems in the marriage other than his lying?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:57am

Hi jessmurd,


My suggestion is that you go to counseling on your own. It will give you a safe place to vent, help you sort through your emotions and help you decide what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 1:15pm

There are a few things that he's done in the past few years,strip club once,going to football games or golfing and comming home drunk.

He has been different,like moody, or sometims get really loud with the kids over somthing as small as them fighting over a pillow. He has never been ugly to me before,and last night he told me to shut the f**k up.I do NOT complain and im defiantly do not nag.

I dont understand. I see a therapist once a week for an unrelated issue and she has told me to get out of the marriage.That im co dependent.If he leaves,who will wash his clothes,cook his meals,and take care of him.Thats why im scared to do it.
Also it makes me feel guilty that in ten years we went from an apartment to a beautiful home.I have not worked so ifeel like its greedy for me to make him leave.
What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 1:25pm

Jess,


::If he leaves,who will wash his clothes,cook his meals,and take care of him.Thats why im scared to do it.


When I read this I thought YIKES.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 2:06pm

It is absolutely unacceptable for him to tell you to shut the 'f' up. It is just plain disrespectful and rude.


Also, you need to think about what is best for you and your children. If you do leave him than he will find a way to do the dishes, laundry, and eat himself. It is not your responsibility to do that for him or to make sure he can do that if you can not there. He is adult and can do things for himself.


How do you feel about the counselor telling you to get out of the marriage?

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 2:30pm

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Wow. Are you serious? HE will wash his clothes. HE will cook his meals. HE will take care of HIMSELF. He's not a child. He'll figure it out. It's really not your problem how he will get these things done.

I also think that if you want a job, go get one. You could certainly work part time while your children are in school. He says no? Is he your parent? If you truly mean that you will divorce him if he doesn't go to counseling, then you need to prepare for that, and part of that is earning money.

As far as the house, you may not end up in that house anyway. It may be that you have to sell and split the money. Or maybe he'll get an apartment and you'll stay in the house with HIS children that you have been caring for since birth (it's not just you living there).

I say continue counseling, talk to an attorney to find out what your rights are and what you need to do, and consider looking for part time work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:16am
Its difficult when married and with kids in the equation to just walk away. my boyfriend ls the same he lies about small things I knew he must be lying about other things so i made up an online person and saw he flirted. it could be the stress of working long hours and the need to provide for his family. he may think that is enough.he should know you would not stand for such disrespect you can get a part time time so he works less if you want. then you two will have more time to be together and be a couple again. ask him to go to counselling if he wants to stay with you kids or not. R-E-S-P-E-C-T what we deserve.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 8:30am

This started about two months ago. When I went out of town and while i was away for one night he had some friends over drinking until 4am. I only found out because he doesnt know how to check the voice mail on the home phone. I got the messages when i got home but, i didnt tell him. I asked him what he did while i was gone(with the kids). He replied,nothing just watched t.v. When i confronted him with the messages,wich was two of them calling to get the gate code to get into the neighborhood. He lied until I went to see a mediator, then he started talking. I still dont belive what he told me.
That next week when my counsler told me to get out of the marriage I thought it was to soon,maybe counseling would help.For him. The next time i saw her she said that I need to come first and take care of myself. He had me so stressed out that i lost 15lbs that i did not need to lose. Also she had sugested i get all our finances together and i have done that,even as far as making changes so he can afford somthing nice and safe.(ive handled all the finances the entire marriage.)

Seems as though since that happened two months ago I find or suspect he lies about EVERYTHING.Its driving me crazy!
I am trying to give as much time as i can for the kids.