Dealing with lying about past

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2001
Dealing with lying about past
2
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 9:28pm
Hello everyone,

I'm sitting here, rather upset, just looking for some kind of answers, ideas, thoughts, anything.

It's a long story, I'll try to make short. My Bf of 3+ years (who I live with)and I had a rather rocky start. He had been dating someone else and had lied to me about seeing her when we were dating. (actually, he had told me they broke up). At first I had made no demands of "exclusiveness" so I got over this and figured it was a difficult, messy breakup. Months later in the relationship I made it abundantly clear that I expected monogamy - he agreed. Tonight (2+ years later) I found out that was a lie. He had been sleeping with her for months longer than our agreement to date exclusively. The thing that REALLY hurts is that he actually lied about it TONIGHT. At first saying he only had dinner with her on a cetain occasion in question and then later saying yes, he slept with her - but that was the last time and that's when it broke off.

I just don't know how to react to this. I'm incredibly hurt, feel really stupid, etc. This was YEARS ago and we had a rough first few months so I could overlook some of it but that fact that he lied tonight really upset me. I feel like there's no honesty or communication in our relationship. We were moving in a positive direction - this has been the best relationship of my life - I was thinking of marriage and so was he. Now, I feel like I've been hit by a bus. What else don't I know? When will he lie again?

Can anyone help - give me some ideas on what to do - how to deal with this? I feel like if I walk away it will be silly and a huge mistake. For the past 2 years this man has been nothing but wonderful (and I think, faithful) to me.

Thanks for any thoughts - I really need them.

MHP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 11:11pm
Why did he tell you 'tonight'. Possibly he was trying to be totally honest with you knowing your relationship is going to a good place.

Maybe he lied 'tonight' because he started to come clean and couldn't then eventually had to.

i think some people are good at forgiving and let the past be in the past. I, myself can forgive but forgetting is always the hard part. It's harder to forget something that tears your heart up. His coming clean can mean more than one thing--he's trying to clear the past and let you know him totally or ............. could he be looking for a way out of the present relationship? I hope not,

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2001
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:28am
No, he's definitely not looking for a way out. We just signed another years lease. He's talking about saving for a house together. He's picking up the rent so I can pay down my debt. He buys me flowers almost weekly, feeds my kitty when Im late at work and a fresh cup of coffee always awaits me in the morning. He says he didn't tell the truth because he's afraid of me leaving - although I've always told him, all I ever want is the truth, even if it's bad. Lies don't build a realtiionship.

Now, I'm just trying to figure out if the lies will continue or if the past is the past.

MHP