Dealing With my Boyfriends Ex
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Dealing With my Boyfriends Ex
| Tue, 06-08-2004 - 6:04pm |
here's the deal...The guy i'm seeing is an old boyfriend, he was my 1st BF when i was 15 and the we dated again when i was 19 and he was 25, well again it didn't work his old girlfriend turned out to be pregnent and he wanted to do the right thing and marry her. and he did we didn't speak after that day, since then i got married and was recently divorced, i heard from a friend that he was getting a divorc also, but was so bitter towards him that i didn't want to contact him it had been 4 years, a few days later i ran into him at the store, it was like nothing had changed like we never lost contact, we went out that night and things were great, we thought that this time maybe we could have a chance. Things were great more than great everything that i always wanted i had,well about a month ago his ex broke up with her boyfriend and now she wants him back she calls all the time makes fun of me, threatens me through him, She hates me and always has, i was there girl she could never live up to. well now i'm doubting myself because she is the mother of his child what if he goes back? He say's he dosent' want her but he lets her call he talks to her i feel like he puts her feelings ahead of mine. Am i being completely nuts her. there divorce is final next month and she is saying she won't sign the papers. He jokes about everything nothing is serious, i feel like there is a distance being created between us. The worst part is i adore his 3 year old, i take care of her all the time treat her like she's my own and she's very attached to me. what do i do do i leave him until he works things out i'm so confused i don't know what to do... I love him with all my hart he's my soul mate, I know he love me, He said i'm being clingy, it's not that i'm just feeling very selfconcius and unsure about where we stand. i don't want to loose him, He's broke my hart twice how can i not let it happen again?

Try and be understanding - don't fall into the trap of being insecure and suspicious - I'm sure that the wife would be thrilled to see you so affected by her words and actions. YOU have him - SHE does not. Until HE tells you otherwise - trust him and the situation.
Coolas
::she calls all the time makes fun of me, threatens me through him, She hates me and always has
His ex is HIS problem. But guess what it's affecting his relationship with you and he's NOT setting boundaries with his soon-to-be-ex. He's NOT telling her, 'the only topic for discussion is our child. All other conversation will be terminated. You may not threaten or speak to me about janmarie - it's none of your business.'
Until he sets boundaries with her, things will be the same. He will be sucked into the drama, etc. and play life by her whims and rules. Until he stands up for himself (and you) things will continue this way.
If he feels guilty about the divorce, his kid coming from a divorced household, etc, then he should seek counseling through the grief of the break-up and deal with any other issues that have come up as a result of the divorce.
Carrie
What has worked for some other people is sharing your post and the replies that you have recieved with him.
I have an article but it's at home, if I have time to post it to you before I have to go to the ballgame I will.
Carrie
Male Emotional Adultery Essay
When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.
My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.
Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.
Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.
Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.
In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?
If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?
What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.
The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?
Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!
This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.
Carrie
The man just isnt emotionally healthy at this time. He needs time to figure things out..perhaps even date his ex...figure out what he wants..and more importantly...what he doesnt want.
My best advice to you, as a person that has fallen deeply for someone that wasnt emotionally healthy..and in a simular situation...is to just walk away. Yes...move on with your life and allow him time to sort out his feelings for his ex. If he truly loves you and wants you in his life..then he will come looking for you when his time is right. Whether your time is right, is just fate and destiny,. If it's meant to be, then it will be...that simple.
But dont allow yourself to get more deeply involved..it will just literally, suck the life out of you. The rollercoast ride is brutual. I've been there, I've done that..and I can tell you..if i had to do it allllllllllll ovvvvvvvvvvvver again...it would have walked away, instead of being "dumped" by a man that didnt know what he wanted.
Deborah