Yes it's possible to get over if you are really committed to getting over it
I understand where you're coming from because I've been there too, but the reality is that he can't change anything he did from the time he was born up until now. There is nothing you can do, nothing you can worry about that will make a difference. So you can either choose to get upset, and let yourself have these feelings of anger or depression or inadequacy, or you can simply let it go. The only difference between worrying about it or not is whether or not you are hurting yourself. Nobody can keep up the life of a sex addict forever... Even Hugh Hefner settled down a bit. If he's happy with you, that's what counts.
Getting upset is a choice you make; if this is going to continue to upset you then you should let him go. But if you think he's a great guy who you really want to overcome this for, then make the effort.
I know this was originally written last month, but I had to look at who wrote it more than once, because I truly thought I'd written it because I do the EXACT same thing and I can't stop. We've been married almost 3 years. I guess there are 2 reminders (2 kids) of his that "remind" me of what a "male whore" he was, and that doesn't help. I think for me, I felt let down after I found out how many women he'd slept with. I thought he was a sweet, naive, and innocent guy.
I'm working on it everyday. It's strange because I don't dwell on my imperfect past, but I sure try to dissect and understand his. I admit I do feel like I don't measure up to his younger romps. According to him they were all about sex. I also feel like I judge my husbands character, I've told him so. I just have a really hard time separating the younger slutty guy from the older settled guy. Any guys out there who can give a male's point of view? At what point do you want to stop sleeping around and settle down for good?
This is just too weird. I feel the same way. I just can't picture my DH hooking up with sooooo many women/girls. He was a bouncer at a bar, but he's a slight guy, not buff, womanizing, or intimidating. He said at that point in his life he'd sort of given up on having a long term relationship and was having fun, basically. I told him it put me off that he would hook up with some drunk girl at the end of the night. He did admit that alcohol had something to do with bad decisions and that the girls were more aggressive than he was and "pursued" him. Maybe that's the case with your BF. Maybe he's a "nice guy"? I think my DH is a nice guy. Who doesn't want a nice guy?
Also, I've had male friends who were reserved and shy...but watch out if they got drunk...especially around a girl who wasn't shy or reserved. I didn't recognize them! I suppose the same could be true of your BF and my DH. And most of their escapades probably happened when they were younger and hornier (sorry, I can't think of a better word to describe it). I admit I had my share of unfullfilling sex when I was younger.
I'm actually 11 years older than my DH. So, I do have that insecurity because his ex wife and the other girl he fathered a child with (he didn't know this until the child was 4--that's another story) are in their 20's and I'm 41! That adds to my confusion, also. He's so level headed, was honor student/nerdy in high school, intelligent (just finished his MBA--an Army Officer and now applying to law school), and acts much older/mature than he is-and people view him as such. So, I have a hard time reconciling how he could have been attracted to such ditsy girls--high school drops outs, working at Hooters, basically bar girls. He says all the women he dated weren't like that. But, unfortunately the two he got pregnant were! (He married one of them and divorced about 1 1/2 years later). I have a hard time with that too. How does a nice, intelligent guy get TWO girls pregnant?? I guess I'd have to be a guy to know how my sex drive could let me make the same mistake over and over again. But then again, I've done some REALLY stupid things, too.
And, I also have a higher libido than DH does and always seemed to be the one initiating things. Then I found out about his past and felt stupid for thinking he was inexperienced and that's why he didn't do more sexually! But, I think his experiences were in very short term relationships (and one night stands I'm sure) and it takes a while to really open up and figure out how to please someone. Since you say your BF is shy, he may have done the act, but not gotten much out of it-KWIM? Hey, you could be the one to help him release his inner wild child. These message boards are full of sex advice! That could be fun for the both of you!
I think it's the numbers that bother us. So many women. Yuck. I don't really feel like leftovers, but it does diminish him slightly in my view, probably because I'm not for casual sex either (at least not in record numbers). But, I do believe men are for casual sex-for a large portion of their lives-and that they don't really have to even like the person they sleep with and I know that I do and most women probably do. That's why it should be called SEX and not making LOVE. Maybe if you change the wording of what he did in his past (have sex) it would take some of the sting out of it. I bet he doesn't "feel" anything for the people he's had sex with, but I bet he remembers the one's who broke his heart. I guess that's sort of the difference between sex and love. He's chosen you to be in a relationship with, I think that qualifies as leaning more to the love side of things.
Rationally, I know I'm being stupid when I get worked up about his past, so I'm working on my reactions too. I know my husband loves me and I love him. He's moved on from being a young horn-dog and is happy being married, having a new baby, planning our future...
Man, I think by writing down why I think our guys had sex with so many women, I've answered my own questions and actually have a better understanding of things. Maybe, it helped you somewhat too? I hope so. Some people will tell you to get over it, you're not perfect, but you can't help feeling what you feel. I think time helps. Hang in there.
Thank you, talking about it helps, seems like most of what I have gotten in peoples responses have been to get over it or get out. Which I am sure is true, but don't like hearing it.
I am 37, he is 44, I have had sexual relationships with 5 men, one was my first and I was raped.
yea, u are so right... hurts though. i had a feeling TB and i were not going to last. his grandma keeps calling me to see if i'm ok. Don't know whats worse -- him being this way or having to be polite to his granny. would not ever hurt her in anyway .. maybe he knows that. The sex was great!!! Best i've ever had. actually felt comfortable w him. its real difficult to find someone that u feel comfy w and that just fits (body style and all that). Just someone you feel comfortable w. He said he felt the same way. Oh well .. life goes on. Still too hurt. Havent been in love in years. Im 51! Dont want to sound like a sleeze but have had lots of guys..he was up in the top 5! sure will miss him. cant let anyone see me cry. thanks for the input. feel like a fool.
Yes it's possible to get over if you are really committed to getting over it
I understand where you're coming from because I've been there too, but the reality is that he can't change anything he did from the time he was born up until now. There is nothing you can do, nothing you can worry about that will make a difference. So you can either choose to get upset, and let yourself have these feelings of anger or depression or inadequacy, or you can simply let it go. The only difference between worrying about it or not is whether or not you are hurting yourself. Nobody can keep up the life of a sex addict forever... Even Hugh Hefner settled down a bit. If he's happy with you, that's what counts.
Getting upset is a choice you make; if this is going to continue to upset you then you should let him go. But if you think he's a great guy who you really want to overcome this for, then make the effort.
I think it's important to keep the past in context:
Welcome to the board pursuitofhappiness,
::It seems like everytime I bring up stuff from the past, which may not even include xgirlfriends, it always comes back to him sleeping with someone.
and this
::his sexual desires are not as often as I would like, so I am quick to think this is me - he says no.
Northkountry
I know this was originally written last month, but I had to look at who wrote it more than once, because I truly thought I'd written it because I do the EXACT same thing and I can't stop. We've been married almost 3 years. I guess there are 2 reminders (2 kids) of his that "remind" me of what a "male whore" he was, and that doesn't help. I think for me, I felt let down after I found out how many women he'd slept with. I thought he was a sweet, naive, and innocent guy.
I'm working on it everyday. It's strange because I don't dwell on my imperfect past, but I sure try to dissect and understand his. I admit I do feel like I don't measure up to his younger romps. According to him they were all about sex. I also feel like I judge my husbands character, I've told him so. I just have a really hard time separating the younger slutty guy from the older settled guy. Any guys out there who can give a male's point of view? At what point do you want to stop sleeping around and settle down for good?
Thanks for your reply.
This is just too weird. I feel the same way. I just can't picture my DH hooking up with sooooo many women/girls. He was a bouncer at a bar, but he's a slight guy, not buff, womanizing, or intimidating. He said at that point in his life he'd sort of given up on having a long term relationship and was having fun, basically. I told him it put me off that he would hook up with some drunk girl at the end of the night. He did admit that alcohol had something to do with bad decisions and that the girls were more aggressive than he was and "pursued" him. Maybe that's the case with your BF. Maybe he's a "nice guy"? I think my DH is a nice guy. Who doesn't want a nice guy?
Also, I've had male friends who were reserved and shy...but watch out if they got drunk...especially around a girl who wasn't shy or reserved. I didn't recognize them! I suppose the same could be true of your BF and my DH. And most of their escapades probably happened when they were younger and hornier (sorry, I can't think of a better word to describe it). I admit I had my share of unfullfilling sex when I was younger.
I'm actually 11 years older than my DH. So, I do have that insecurity because his ex wife and the other girl he fathered a child with (he didn't know this until the child was 4--that's another story) are in their 20's and I'm 41! That adds to my confusion, also. He's so level headed, was honor student/nerdy in high school, intelligent (just finished his MBA--an Army Officer and now applying to law school), and acts much older/mature than he is-and people view him as such. So, I have a hard time reconciling how he could have been attracted to such ditsy girls--high school drops outs, working at Hooters, basically bar girls. He says all the women he dated weren't like that. But, unfortunately the two he got pregnant were! (He married one of them and divorced about 1 1/2 years later). I have a hard time with that too. How does a nice, intelligent guy get TWO girls pregnant?? I guess I'd have to be a guy to know how my sex drive could let me make the same mistake over and over again. But then again, I've done some REALLY stupid things, too.
And, I also have a higher libido than DH does and always seemed to be the one initiating things. Then I found out about his past and felt stupid for thinking he was inexperienced and that's why he didn't do more sexually! But, I think his experiences were in very short term relationships (and one night stands I'm sure) and it takes a while to really open up and figure out how to please someone. Since you say your BF is shy, he may have done the act, but not gotten much out of it-KWIM? Hey, you could be the one to help him release his inner wild child. These message boards are full of sex advice! That could be fun for the both of you!
I think it's the numbers that bother us. So many women. Yuck. I don't really feel like leftovers, but it does diminish him slightly in my view, probably because I'm not for casual sex either (at least not in record numbers). But, I do believe men are for casual sex-for a large portion of their lives-and that they don't really have to even like the person they sleep with and I know that I do and most women probably do. That's why it should be called SEX and not making LOVE. Maybe if you change the wording of what he did in his past (have sex) it would take some of the sting out of it. I bet he doesn't "feel" anything for the people he's had sex with, but I bet he remembers the one's who broke his heart. I guess that's sort of the difference between sex and love. He's chosen you to be in a relationship with, I think that qualifies as leaning more to the love side of things.
Rationally, I know I'm being stupid when I get worked up about his past, so I'm working on my reactions too. I know my husband loves me and I love him. He's moved on from being a young horn-dog and is happy being married, having a new baby, planning our future...
Man, I think by writing down why I think our guys had sex with so many women, I've answered my own questions and actually have a better understanding of things. Maybe, it helped you somewhat too? I hope so. Some people will tell you to get over it, you're not perfect, but you can't help feeling what you feel. I think time helps. Hang in there.
Hi again,
Thank you, talking about it helps, seems like most of what I have gotten in peoples responses have been to get over it or get out. Which I am sure is true, but don't like hearing it.
I am 37, he is 44, I have had sexual relationships with 5 men, one was my first and I was raped.