Dealing with a past

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Dealing with a past
7
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 6:15pm
Okay, here's my story.

I'm 18 years old, my boyfriend is soon to be 20. I have been with him for 6 months now. When he was about 13, he had two seperate encounters with 21 year old women that included oral sex. I don't know why, but I asked him to tell me what happened the other night. Now I have nightmares and I've become depressed. I don't want to think of him sexually at all (whereas before we would have sex 2-3 times a day) and, although I'm not mad at him, I can't get the ideas out of my head. I'm natually a jealous person, but usually I can get over it. It was my own fault for asking but I'm feeling as though I can't deal with this. Please help me figure out how to get over this, it's starting to interfere in my life and my relationship.

-Maja
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 6:25pm
You have to talk back to those negative thoughts. You have to know he is with you because he wants to be with you (unless there is something you are leaving out in your post).... he's had experiences that you haven't had, or maybe that you've never wanted and you have to accept that he's had these experiences as part of your past. Talk to him. Chances are he could say what you need to hear to soothe your feelings of what? Being compared? Being less than? Not having those experiences?

Also work on your self-confidence and self-esteem, it will help.

Reading material to consider:

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 7:26pm
Hi,

Thank you for your response. I'm not sure exactly why I feel the way I do...I have had a very sorted and rather 'wild' sexual past, and just the thought of him with those women makes me sick. I don't know why this bothers me more than anything. We have an amazing relationship and I love him. I know that coming from an 18 year old that may not seem like much, but at the risk of sounding cliche, I'm older than my years would lead one to assume. I know he loves me too, and I've told him how it bothers me, and he just gets upset and says that I asked him to tell me and that it doesn't mean anything and that he loves me. I don't doubt his feelings for me or our relationship, but I don't know how to get these thoughts to go away. I'm just sickened by them and any time I think about it (which is unfortunately and uncontrollably all the time), I have these vivid images my mind constructed and it makes me sick to my stomache as well as feeling like crying.

-Maja
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 7:52pm
Ok, you have to get to the bottom of those feelings.... do you feel he's comparing you to others? That they may have done something with him better or different? Do you think he's thinking of them? Did you put him on a pedestal and think this was something he wouldn't have done or experienced?

This all happened before you right? Meaning he didn't cheat on you? Then it really is something you have to get over.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 8:15pm
Hi,

Yeah, this all happened before. He was 13 at the time and the two women were both 21, one a waitress the other a nurse. I guess what really bothers me is that, a) it disgusts me that someone 21 would do that to a 13 year old (it wasn't abuse, he wanted it and asked for it, but still...) and b) he described doing something to one of them that he does to me (sitting on my chest while I give him a blowjob)and also, it was all them giving him handjobs and blowjobs, in total there were 3 incidents (1 w/the waitress, 2 w/the nurse). My boyfriend is obsessed with blowjobs and I don't know...I'm just really hurt by this. Other than that, we have an amazing relationship, by far the most loving and healthy I've ever been in and people have told me that they're jealous of how good we are together. It's almost like I can't forgive him for something he did over 6 years ago! Am I crazy?

-Maja
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 9:19pm
it was seven years ago and he wasn't with you. There is no need to be jealous. He didn't cheat on you because he wasn't with you. If you can't get over something that in no way involved you, you need to get out of the relationship. What happens when you hit a real bump?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:54am
<<<<< asked him to tell me what happened the other night. Now I have nightmares and I've become depressed. I don't want to think of him sexually at all (whereas before we would have sex 2-3 times a day) and, although I'm not mad at him, I can't get the ideas out of my head. >>>>>>

that is the very reason why you don't ask for intimate details and you don't tell when you are asked.

never.

you opened the door to this and you have to close it. and for heaven's sake, don't *talk* to him about it... just drop it and ignore it from now on and quit asking questions you won't like the answers to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 3:24am
Thank you for the last two posts....brutally honest, but nonetheless, what I needed to hear. I'm working on it...