Defining the relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Defining the relationship
2
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 3:30pm
I have been dating a wonderfully nice guy for the past 4 months. He has initiated and mostly pursued the entire relationship. We have not discussed exclusivity, but I have not dated other men since the second month of dating. I also want to point out that we have not been intimate (so far only kissing.)

My problem is this: since we haven't discussed exclusivity, I'm not sure what is going on with this relationship. We've gone on dates at least once or twice a week, and in some ways everything feels as awkward as it did on our first date. It's as if we haven't moved foward. I'm terrified to bring this up with him as I fear it will send him running. Furthermore, as a Rules girl, I have been somewhat aloof and distant during the course of our dating. I'm in a dilemma right now where I don't know if I have been holding back too much, and that's causing him not to want to take our relationship to the next stage. Or, is it that he is not that interested in having an exclusive relationship with me?

Please help. I'd appreciate any feedback. I can provide more specifics if you need them.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:14pm

Have you ever wondered if the reason it still feels so awkward is that you are sending mixed signals? "As a rules gurl, I have been somewhat aloof and distant during the course of our relationship"??/????? he is not a mind reader and Im suspecting that if you acted aloof and distant, you should be glad he is still around period.


If you want to know whats going on, then ask him....If you act maturly in a relationship, you'll have a more mature relationship.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:37pm
IMO you might not be in this "dilemma" had you just used common sense and intuition instead of following some set of silly rules and playing games (acting "aloof and distant" b/c a book told you to). If you want to know how someone feels about something -- ASK. If someone runs the other way when you start bringing up tough subjects, then count yourself lucky. An emotionally healthy and mature person would bring up awkward topics in order to know if they are wasting their precious time, no matter what the outcome. Logically speaking, the ONLY way to know if someone is right for you, on the same page as you, etc. is to *discuss* those things, unless you are both mind readers. Put the Rules book away and start following your own heart and mind. If he's initiated dating you for 4 months and you're acting aloof and distant, how do you expect him to know how enthusiastic you are about him? No wonder it's awkward and feels like you haven't made any progress...you haven't! You can thank The Rules for that. For goodness sake if you like him, show it. If you want to be exclusive with him, ask him if he feels the same. If he doesn't, then pick up your hurt pride and move on. This would be a waste of your time if he wants different things than you do. Open your mouth and find out! Good luck.