Demanding Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2001
Demanding Husband
7
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:03pm

I've got a daughter who lives in Australia and she is having her second baby. She has no family there except her husband's and she wants me to come (as I did with her first). I am planning on going for 3 weeks which I did the last time. The problem is this: First husband says "You don't have to go. She can have the baby without you." When he knew I was definitely going to go it became, " how long are you going for." "I think a week or 10 days is good enough." I said, I want to go for 3 weeks (my daughter wanted me for a month but I think that's too long) He then proceeded to say 2 weeks is ok even though he didn't want it but 3 weeks would be too painful and lonely for him. I'm thinking that that's ridiculous. Does he have a life?

His reaction is thus...He is not going to go out as a couple. He is canceling on a trip in August for a birthday party on an island nearby. He is going to go away during the week my 4 children (except the Aussie gal) come to visit. He is also saying, "I am not going to contact you while you are over there."

I had told him that it might be nice if I would go to Australia for 2 weeks and then he would come and we spend a little time with my daughter and family and then we would travel a little in to see some of the country. After saying that he did want to go previously for a vacation, he now states, "I don't want to go to Australia and spend time with babies or family."

Another thing he says is "I'm going to have fun and not be lonely while you are gone" and I said "Good" "That's great!" He then proceeds to say that he means sexually. I told him, I can't control what you do.

I have gone to some events without him and plan to go to the birthday party alone and entertain my children alone. I am not yelling or engaging too much in conversation but quietly going about my business. It is difficult but not impossible. And he is switchy, from being loving and sweet and touchy to being demanding.

Today, we were going to play golf and I was going even though I didn't feel that much like it, but thinking we could be together and I could do something for him. What happened was that after we had another conversation about my going (if you could only go for 2 weeks or 10 days)he said, "Are you playing golf? I don't care whether you do or not." So I decided not to go but in a calm manner. I took a walk to the mailbox and he came by in the car on the way to the golf course and stopped, saying "I admire you...you're not letting an F...ing man tell you what to do" Said in a rather hostile way.

It is a long way to Australia, my daughter had pre-eclampsia with her first baby and I was glad to be there to help because I was sorely needed. I feel that I am not only a wife but a mother. And I want to be there for her. I am sorely disappointed in my husband's lack of understanding for my needs. Three weeks is not an inordinate amount of time and I would not mind it if he needed to go.

He is calling me spoiled and like my mother who went to France for a month (my Dad was happy that she was there). She spoke fluent French and it was wonderful for her.

Thanks for allowing me to vent. Whatever your thoughts are, I'll be glad to have them.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:29pm

Your husband is behaving not only in a childish, but an abusive way to you. Is he the father of your children? It certainly doesn't sound so. You have every right and even responsibility to go and be with your daughter during this wonderful time of her life. A month is fine. She lives far away, you hardly see her and the time not only will go quickly, but is needed by all. Your husband's behavior is selfish and extremely childish. He has no right to make you pay for being with her, doing what is right in everyway. It's up to you to set boundaries here, to realize that you must not be punished or abused. Realize that what you are doing is right and respect yourself for it. Let him know that his behavior is unacceptable to you. Stand up to this.


Beyond all of this, where is all of his hostility and posessiveness coming from? Is it part of your relationship in general? Is it something you want to live with on an on-going basis? Look a little deeper into your relationship and set what needs to be set right.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2001
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 8:40am

Thank you so much for your very helpful post. It was good for me to see in black and white what I was perceiving but not sure about. Here is an update:

I told him as he was proceeding to go on demanding a certain time that I was not going to tolerate this from him anymore. I said that he was acting in a childish, possessive and hostile manner and I wasn't going to put up with it. I said this at night and then rolled over and went to sleep.

In the morning, I was not warm and he said he wanted to talk to me. He then said he was sorry, that he didn't want to make things difficult for me. He said that he loved me and was not going to stay away when my children were here or not go on dates or the island birthday party (but really he would be cutting himself out of lots of good times....he knew that I was going to continue my life and doing what I want with him or without him). He also said that he was not going to demand a time frame. He said that it was strange how he had the feelings of anger and wanted to strike out.

I do believe that the stronger I am and not allowing him to bully me will be good definitely for me and ultimately for him and our relationship.

I am not out of the fire, yet, I'm sure, but I can see that I need to look more at myself to see how I have allowed encroachment on my rights as a person. I liked it that you said it is up to me to set boundaries and see that I am not abused. I had never thought of his behavior as being abusive. I need to define boundaries and respect myself.

Thank you, again. Your objective assessment was what I needed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2001
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 4:20pm
Bringing you up to date. I have had enough of badgering. Come back one day early, go on this day. Come back on that date. I will miss you. I won't pick you up if you come back one day later than I say. On and on. It's a control issue. I finally said, "You are being a jerk and I am making my reservation for 3 weeks." If you won't pick me up, what's the difference!! I don't want to talk about it any more. So, I essentially said I was going to do what I thought best. I now have to look at myself and see why I am so accommodating to all but my self and start figuring out why I married this jerk in the first place. My first husband was controlling, too. But this guy is more "romantic"...or at least he was. Take care all
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 4:33pm
I'm glad things are becoming more clear for you and that you are willing to stand up for yourself - I hope everything works out for the best (it usually does). Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2001
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 3:14pm

Another update. the guy won't give up. He's saying "Maybe you can change the airline ticket to come back when I ask you to" I say, "No, I won't". Now is the campaign: what would you do if I had a heart attack...would you still go?" "What if I slipped outside there on the railroad tie and broke my neck..would you still go?" "My whole body feels sick" I say, "You are asking crazy questions. This is extremely childish on your part" I think I should just clam up and not answer any more or engage.

What this is all doing is making me really look forward to being without him. I have gotten so I don't like these qualities in him. He continues to say I have hurt him deeply and he won't tolerate this again....What is THIS. I won't tolerate his abusive and childish behavior no matter what. I am very disenchanted with him. Too bad. I am taking a big look at our relationship. I have said, "Maybe you need to see someone about your feelings and talk to a therapist." NO never would I do that. Believe me, this is serious. I am definitely not out of the woods yet, but I may have to go it alone. I told him it's a good opportunity to visit his children (he has many and they'd love it one on one) but he doesn't want to do that...also I told him he could learn computer skills. No don't want to. Last night I told him that marriage doesn't mean you are one person. It's not a UNIT. I don't think he has a persona within himself--it's tied up with me...too much.

Have a good Labor Day everyone. I am going to the beach. It's a great day here. I wish you all sunshine and growth in your lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 4:31pm

Hi, Moonbeam! I hope your time at the beach was relaxing and centering for you.

Your husband is asking impossible questions. "What would you do if I had a heart attack?" Come on--that's just like "If your daughter and I were drowning, which one of us would you save?" Right now, you can only deal with what is: your daught IS having a baby, and you want to be there. If you stay home because your husband MIGHT have a heart attack, or MIGHT break his neck on a railroad tie, you put yourself at risk of feeling disappointed when it doesn't happen.

I don't know why he's so panic-stricken at the thought of your being gone, but I certainly understand why you're disenchanted. As the time grows closer and he sees you're not backing down, maybe he'll calm down and start making plans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2001
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 6:05pm
Thanks geoteo, I have changed the dynamics of our relationship and he is saying emotionally "change back" This will not be the only thing. There will be future "tests" to see if I am really paying attention to "self" and being who he fears for whatever reason. He is the oldest child in an Italian family and, of course, was adored and pampered. The funny thing is that his mother was a rather strong and difficult woman for the daughters-in-law but I (being my husband's second wife and having been married before) didn't take any guff from her..she actually loved that and loved me. I will be strong because I am not going to be de-selfed. And, wonder of wonders, I am finally packing my bags and leaving home....I am talking about childhood, of course, and growing up. Take care and the best to you. Thanks again for your words.