Depressed, angry and need advice
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Depressed, angry and need advice
| Fri, 08-06-2004 - 4:30pm |
A few monthes ago, I found out that my husband was masturbating to thoughts of other women. I am not talking about women on TV or in porno, I am talking about women I am very close to. My sister, my best friend, my brother's girlfriend, the list is almost endless. It seems as tho any woman he finds remotely attractive is in his thoughts at that time. It really bothers me. At first I got hurt and started to doubt myself. Then I started getting angry. I feel so worthless just thinking about it. It's too close to home if you know what I mean. Having him think of movie stars or something like that just didn't bother me as much, but when he is able to establish a relationship with the person he desires in that way, even if it is just a friendship, it starts to cause problems. This happened in Feb and in all honesty, I am not over it. I thought I would be and have tried very hard, but it's made me very paranoid to the point where if he even talks to someone I imagine that he's taking in all the details for later on. I know it's unreasonable, but it still runs thru my mind. I am very confused and extremely unhappy. Am I over-reacting? Should I be concerned? He and I have only been together 3 years and they have been rocked with turmoil almost from the start. I have really been doubting my decision of getting married and need some advice. To the best of my knowledge, he has not cheated on me, but who is to say that one of his "thoughts" won't lead to him wanting to make one reality? I hate to look that far ahead, but I don't want to be hurt again. Any advice or opinions are welcome.
Thanks in advance,
Me
Thanks in advance,
Me

I am curious to how you found out about this. Did he tell you in order to hurt you? Did he call out someone else's name during sex? Did you overhear him telling someone?
'He and I have only been together 3 years and they have been rocked with turmoil almost from the start'
Is the turmoil only about his fantasies or about other problems? Why did you stay in this relationship if it was so stressful?
As to how I found out...
My husband and my best friend have never been the best of buddies. The weekend before I was to get married, she tried to set me up with a friend of hers. Needless to say, he found out and was not too pleased. He acted civil to her, but always expressed a dislike for her to me. Late last year I started renting out some rooms and she needed a place to stay. I discussed it with him and he said it would be ok. Once she moved in, he started acting different around her. He started treating her extremely nice. I was curious as to his sudden change in demeanor, and questioned his opinion of her and one question led to another and he told me. I wasn't really mad, just sort of hurt and wondering what was wrong with me. I had alot of things going on at the time and it was sort of the "last straw" that put me in a depressive state of mind. He confronted me on it and in the middle of that fight I found out he thought the same of my sister and a few of my brother's girlfriends (past and present). It set me off. Depression turned to anger and I have been like this ever since. There's a constant knot in my stomach and I feel like I am going to vomit practically all the time.
As for the turmoil...
From the begining he and I have had problems. He does not get along with my ex and blames me everytime my ex tried to pull one of his stupid mind games on me or uses my kids against me. We had a problem with the computer which caused me to remove my internet connection all together due to excess chat and porn viewing (I worked midnights at the time and he would be up until 6am watching it and then sleep all day so that when I got home from working all night I would have to watch the kids instead of getting the sleep I needed.) Not to mention, he was accessing my email and harrassing my friends online and invading my privacy. He is constantly in a depressive state because of things his parents and teachers did to him when he was younger and won't seek the help he needs because he is too proud... There's more, but I'll stop there. All of these things I thought were just part of the process. New relationship quirks if you know what I mean. I was able to deal with them for the most part, but this last thing was a little more than I can take. It's affecting me more than I thought it would and as much as I love him, I am not sure I want to be a part of this anymore.
I hope that clears up some of the questions, tho I know it may bring to light some more. Thanks for responding.
Pianoguy senses a lot of anger in your husband. Not the physical type where he'd smack you with his fist...but an emotional anger! Maybe it's frustration from the fact that the 2 of you are co-habitating under the same roof, but really not enjoying each other's company, that makes him resort to masturbating? There's probably a lot of inner-tension (nervousness)involved?
So the man goes into "fantasy-overdrive" with the masturbation-bit. And I'm sure this type of behavior really bothers you...A LOT! His actions indicate he's angry at you...and probably the rest of the world? Crummy childhood experiences can often carry over into adulthood.
You indicated that he wouldn't consider therapy...PUSH THIS AGAIN...but explain that your marriage needs it in order to survive! You might want to consider joint therapy?
Hate to be blunt...but I'm going to...
Your EX HUSBAND and especially YOUR G/F sound like two of the nastiest people on the planet! Almost like a pair of 'migraines' that will strike you and your husband when they damn well want to! They both know they can get a reaction out of your husband with their words and actions. And as long as you permit their crap to continue, your life as a couple will evolve into a "major league horror show!"
The 2 of you need to unclutter yourselves from 'well-meaning busybodies' and look at your marriage SERIOUSLY!
If you TRULY hate the man who you married and feel that being divorced would improve your lifestyle...SEE A LAWYER! But 'tune out' the outsiders who want to 'rewrite your marriage' according to their perspectives! First things first---have an honest one-to-one with your husband...ALONE! Ask him if your marriage means ANYTHING to him and if he has any ideas how each of you can improve it?
You owe him this....at least before you consult with an attorney!
Pianoguy
Nope, I'd say they are more than just quirks.... he's got lots of issues, lots of baggage and you can't SAVE him from himself or help him.
Carrie
I've tried to post a message several times but I am not really sure what to say other
than that my girlfriend and I are in the same boat as you and your husband. I don't
have any advice.
I know that this issue runs through her head pretty much constantly. And that she has the same feelings as you. I really don't know what to do about it. I love her. She
loves me. The biggest issue is she is thin. And I prefer a bigger girl. She once asked me
what I would change about her. I told her I wished she'd gain some weight. That with the
admission of checking out other women at work as well as having sexual fantasies about having sex with a full figured woman. I find them more appealing than my girlfriend to be honest.
I know that half the people on here will tell her to deal with it... that's what men do. The other half will tell her to run. If they answer A she'll be pissed off. If
they answer B, then she'll be happy that someone else makes sense out there. And I don't
want to see posts telling her to gain eleventy-billion pounds to make me happy either.
I just want to know what to do. Do you think it's possible to change a preference?
If I prefer a full-figured woman, is it possible to change my preference to petite?
Thank you all again.
Me