Depressed BF, I'm going crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Depressed BF, I'm going crazy
3
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 3:16am

Hi all -- thank you in advance for your help -- I can really use it!

My BF and I have been together two years -- he's a senior at Berkeley, I'm a first semester graduate student. My BF is Russian by birth, and his family has always been really hard on him -- they say things that are hurtful to his self-esteem (he's lazy, doesn't go to school, he lies), most of which are completely untrue (he makes straight A's and has a job at a law firm!). Recently things have escalated for him and they seem to be making comments more than ever. Its really affecting his self-image, and he's been incredibly depressed and feeling useless, even with all of the great things he's been doing. I've been trying my best to help him feel good about himself, but there's only so much I can do.

Here's the thing -- I'm in the middle of finals, and although as I've said I've tried to be there for him, I can only mentally handle so much. I keep trying to balance late-night pep-talks (which I haven't been very good at lately, because I have so much to get finished and am feeling stressed and under scrutiny myself) with all of my school work as well as my personal life struggles at the moment (some of which are trust issues that have to do with him). I've been going to counseling every week, which helps, but I feel unable to support my boyfriend in the way he seems to need. He needs a lot of comfort, and I feel very guilty that my being emotionally and physically exhausted is affecting our conversations. I don't have as much patience as usual, and it makes me feel like a bad girlfriend. I want to help him, but in some ways its very frustrating for me because I think he needs to help himself -- I can't do all the work for him. Is it unfair of me to feel this way?
Please help -- I don't know how to handle all of this. I feel very overwhelmed and very guilty and yet I also feel like I have to put my life first right now. Our relationship was strained before this situation arose, and I'm very anxious...I feel like I can't handle it. I realize that technically I should be able to balance his needs with mine, but he seems to need a lot of support and I don't know if he's communicating his feelings to anyone else. I've suggested he go into counseling because its not good for him to feel so low about himself, but I would also like to help him, and perhaps I've been a bit irritated when trying to make him feel better. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 5:23am

First may I say that I have been taking anti-depressants for a number of years and intimately know the black dog of depression. Having said that, I also believe in tough-love.

>>I realize that technically I should be able to balance his needs with mine<<

Wrong, wrong, wrong. You should be able to look after your own needs and he should be able to look after his own. Sure, it's nice to share a problem with one's partner, but when it becomes habitual, it's gone too far.

There is only so much of his problems that you can and should handle. It's unreasonable to expect yourself to be able to give him a pep talk everynight and it's unreasonable to expect yourself to be able to balance his numerous needs and your needs comfortably. It's no surprise to me that you're feeling drained. You're his girlfriend - don't confuse your role with that of parent or counsellor.

And don't feel bad about losing patience with him. Perhaps if you lost patience a little more often, he may be more likely to seek counselling!

Your suggestion of counselling for him is wise (and by the sound of it, long overdue). But what you have to do now is back off and leave him to deal with his own problems. While you are there for him everynight, you're actually a crutch and are preventing him from taking responsibility for his own mental health. He's learned to lean on you instead of learning how to deal with his life.

Think of it this way: if/when the two of you eventually part ways, if he's reliant on you how will he cope on his own? He needs to learn strategies that don't involve you. I know it doesn't feel like it, but by backing off you're actually doing him a favour.

Start by saying this: "boyfriend, I am studying for my finals tonight and won't have time to speak to you. I will see/speak with you tomorrow" And DON'T ask him how he's feeling because he'll probably tell you.

If he protests that he needs your support tonight, tell him that you can't continue acting as counsellor and that he must seek professional help. If your boyfriend refuses to undertake counselling or see a doctor, it will be time for you to reconsider this relationship. Because if he refuses to seek help, it shows he will not change in the medium term future.

good luck.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 12:02pm

Hi wheatstatesweetp and welcome to the board,


Until he's willing to work on his own self-eteem, nothing will change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 2:58am
Thank you both for your speedy responses. BF did manage to get a counseling appointment for tomorrow, and after speaking with him he is aware that it might take some time for him to get back on track (he won't cop out after one session!). I really appreciate the advice -- its comforting to know that I haven't been a bad girlfriend and that its ok for me to say I need some space to take care of myself. I'm hoping, once finals are over, that I will feel better about the whole situation and perhaps we can rebuild some of the loss of connection from the past few months. Thank you again for your advice!