Depressed!! Confused!! Hearbroken!! Help
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| Sun, 06-01-2008 - 11:31pm |
I left my husband and moved out December 2007 due to him becoming mentally/emotionally abusive everyday (sometimes several times a day) and physically abusive every so often when I didn't comply with what he wanted at that time. My husband's cousin's car showed up outside e my apt one day and I thought it was him. So I filed a restraining order against him (which started out being a temporary restraining order) and come to find out it was not him, it was his cousin and she was there bringing her oldest son to a neighbor's house to get his stuff (her son is friends with them)(those neighbors no longer live here). The judge asked him if he did hit me and my husband told the judge he did but that I dramatized everything. The judge told him that I obviously did not want contact with him and that he was gonna extend the restraining order for 6 months. However, I left just to separate to try to get him to seek counseling. Before I left I asked him to go to counseling and he told me "he would go if I paid for it"...So I worked with my work help line and the help line was going to help pay for the counseling sessions. So I called him back (this is before the restraining order) and told him I found a way through work to pay for counseling and he told me that he would not go to counseling cuz he was not gonna air out his dirty laundry in front of a stranger." So, then a few weeks later is when his cousin's car showed up and it really scared me. It meant that he knew where I was living at and such. I honestly believe he wouldn't deliberately come after me but he has some friends that don't care for me and him and his friends would get together every so often to have some alcohol drinks. I was scared if they convinced him or if he got drunk enough, maybe he might come after me. So I got the restraining order. My husband filed for divorce. My heart is broken into a million pieces. We have dated for 5 years and have been married for 2 years (3 years will be on July 2, 2008). The abuse started after we got married. I still Love Him With ALL My Heart and want our marriage to work. This separation and now divorce proceedings are tearing me up. I am trying to move about each day but some days it is so hard. My husband and Myself have separate accounts on myspace. My best friend (who was a bridesmaid at my wedding and knows us both) is still a friend on his and on my myspace site. She called me approx. 3-5 days ago and told me Jared (my husband) had entered a new mood on his myspace and it showed depressed and below the depressed mood it stated "depressed and forgotten". I'm not sure if he was talking about me or about another girl (which I know of (her name and such) through work) that he had gone out on 1 date with. I am so lost and depressed and heartbroken. I just don't know what to do. I don't want the divorce (I want it to work between us but also for him to seek counseling cuz I don't want to go back to the abuse) but at the same time if he really wants the divorce, Then I will not stand in his way. I just don't know what to do??? Please can you help guide me??? Thanks for helping the confused one,
pebbles85074

Welcome to the board pebbles85074,
Even before you filed the restraining order, he gave you the heartbreaking answer:
I started seeing a domestic violence counselor as soon as I left/separated from him. I have learned to recognize a lot of warning signs/warning flags of domestic violence. It has helped some. But the hurt just doesn't seem to go away. My mother gave me a
Also, I should note that I have gone on 1 date since my separation. On the first date the guy wanted to move in with me and such. He also was telling what to eat and how to eat and such. I told him to hit the door and don't look back. That after leaving an abusive/controlling relationship that I was not gonna get back into another one. I told him not to call/write/email/text/ect. Since he left, which I'm not sad about, he has called me twice. Once just after I told him to leave (approx. 2-3 mths ago)
Thankfully, you recoginzed the warning signs with your 'dates' behavior and ended it.
You are an amazingly strong person who is doing all of the right things. I really admire you, what you're going through is extremely difficult - no one will argue that!! I just hope you realize that the way you feel is understandable and normal for someone in your situation. The hardest way to end a relationship is when there are still feelings - not all relationships end because two people don't love one another anymore, but it's toughest to end it when it's just not right to continue despite how you feel toward someone.
He has given you every indication that he's not willing to do what it takes to keep the marriage afloat in a healthy way. A man who is truly sorry and committed to being a better person toward you would attend anger management counseling.
Regarding your date... Well, there are a WHOLE lot of losers out there and even wonderful amazing women will attract them. But what is IMPORTANT is that you're not a woman who can't recognize a man who is a loser. One crappy date is not a waste of your time unless it leads to another and another... I think you will find a man who makes you very happy and treats you like an individual who deserves only good things.
I have talked to my DV counselor concerning the depression and feelings and she told me that I needed to see a professional counselor to get assistance with the depression. I have so many different doctors that I really don't want to add another one to the bunch. I have a lot of health conditions and several different specialty doctors and several medications. It's just too overwhelming but this feeling of sadness, what if, wonder if he hurts like I do and all the other feelings are too much soooooo. There are times where I just want to say "I give up" "screw it" "it's just too much" but I'm not the type of person that can act on those feelings. I can't take the easy road out. Each day I do remind myself of something my decease father once told me. "No person ever needs to be a punching bag. Fight back." So, now that I've left, I am fighting for my own right to be happy. Now don't get me wrong. There are days that I'm happy, excited, ready to go out and do things. But then there are days (seems like in a row) that I can't even get out of bed or stop crying. I don't want to feel like this anymore. But on a positive note, several things have happened. I convinced my doctor to let me go back to work early (he would only release me for 6 hours a day 5 days a week and I usually work 10 hour days 4 days a week, but it is better than nothing and better than staying home staring at the ceilings. My work is working with me on it and they have me on a 6 hour day 5 days a week). Also, when I left I took my/our dog with me. Basically I took care of him and ran him to the vet and groomers,etc.. We have had him since he was 6 weeks old. He is a shi*-zu/Laso Apso named Wicket and he is approx. 1.5 yrs old. But when I did leave my STBX told me he was keeping the dog and once I left he was going to take him to the pound. I stood up from the chair and point blank told him, "Like He*l. Over My Dead Body. Besides you don't even care or take care of him. And I need him so screw u." Then when I left I took the dog to the apt first. Now he is willing to sign over his rights to the dog to me (part of the divorce settlement agreement mediation thingy we are going through). In the divorce settlement agreement mediation thingy we are going through I requested just a few things. 1. one of the cars (he is allowed to keep the other car and his truck. (I'll tell u more on that later). 2. the dog. 3.
Ok, that's way too much drama for anyone. If he said he wouldn't go to counseling, BELIEVE him. If he changed his mind, he'd be going especially since the judge saw his anger flare up.