Depressed fiancee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Depressed fiancee
2
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:51pm
I'm at a crossroads here, and I don't know what to do about it.

My fiancee (we're to be married next spring) hasn't been diagnosed or anything, but he clearly suffers from some form of depression. He'll be OK most of the time, but then he goes into phases where he hates himself and doesn't want to be around everyone. Part of this stems from actual events, like being unemployed for almost two years (he's been temping for about six months, but it has yet to become permanent/stable even though they all really like him), having lots of debt, and worrying about the future. However, the level of his misery is clearly more than "just" financial woes. This has come up in our relationship before, but now, we are coming closer to the wedding (and certainly we are in the midst of planning) and it's coming to a head. He's said all along that he doesn't really care about the wedding itself (although he's helped out a bit), and that he only cares about me and the actual getting married part. But last night, we had a long discussion, and his misery is overtaking him. He's so miserable and feels like he doesn't have answers to anything: he just doesn't know what to do. But he feels like he is dragging me down, like his life is nothing, and can't provide a definite answer about getting married (although that hasn't wavered before last night).

I want him to try therapy. He tried once in college apparently, and it was a bad experience. But I know that this is something he can't handle himself (he is one of those very proud men who doesn't like having help with things -- he'd rather do it himself). My parents -- two of the only people he truly respects and listens to -- are coming to visit for the weekend, and they want to talk to him. But I'm just scared that this all won't go away, and that we'll have to call off the wedding. I really don't want to, obviously, as we really love each other. But this is taking a toll on both of us. I just don't know what will happen. Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 4:23pm
mockingbird09...

Pianoguy knows EXACTLY where your fiancee is coming from. Having been in and out of work off and on...working temp jobs...not fulfilling a dream or two...and wondering what the heck is in the future....I CAN RELATE!

QUESTION....when was the last time your fiancee had a complete physical? If it has been more than a year...set it up with a doctor you both trust and drive him to the office! No arguments...no excuses...JUST DO IT!

Depression comes in many forms...and it's not always the result of an incident, event, or lost job. A man can wake up one morning and ask "what the hell is going on with my life" and search for the answer indefinitely.

The one thing your fiancee has in his favor...is a woman who TRULY wants him to be happy and is willing to help him through the crisis. And believe me, this support can make a HUGE DIFFERENCE in the recovery process.

Mind if I share something with all of the ivillage ladies reading this?

Nothing makes a man's depression worse than a woman who NAGS him! Sorry girls...but badgering ain't the way to go. It only makes us feel crappier than we do already! We need an understanding friend...not a MOM!

Just something to 'kick around' the next time your b/f, husband, or s.o. isn't acting the way you'd like him to?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:59am
Women define who they are my many things: Am I kind, am I loving, am I intellegent, am I giving, am I pretty etc. Men usually define themselves by their job and sucess at providing a good income for those they love. Women can bounce back easily from failure at a job by men can be crushed. Most likely this is a big factor for him. He could also be lacking in certain vitamins in his system and that should be checked by a regular m.d. If you can, also get him to a psycologist. They will give more feedback to him then a psychiatrist. Just postpone the wedding if necessary until he get a handle on what the problem really is but let him know you will be there all the way.