Depression and dating
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Depression and dating
| Thu, 05-29-2008 - 4:25pm |
Hello! This is a confusing situation for me. I've never been on THIS side of depression before...
I've been with my boyfriend for about two and a half months and other than it being a long distance relationship, it's been the best I've ever been in. A couple weeks ago, though, his behavior changed but it could have easily been chalked up to circumstances in his life coming to a head - he suffers from horrible seasonal allergies, his work load doubled, he got terribly sick (twice!), had a business trip (which he got sick on), his car got broken into, etc. His overly-affectionate nature became much less so and it worried me. He was still telling me he loved and missed me but our constant texts, pictures and three-hour long phone calls were not taking place. Eventually my paranoia got the better of me and I asked if everything was all right and he said yes, he's just been run down with the way work and his health had been going.
Our relationship has been such that if he tells me something outright, I know it's the honest to God truth. Neither of us pull any punches, especially if the other person has the courage to ask a tough question. So when he said everything was OK with us, I knew I had nothing to worry about. But that didn't change the fact that he had become distant and I still had no clue why.
Well, he finally told me that he's felt himself slipping back into depression lately. The last time this happened (years before I met him) his friends all but abandoned him because he became a total introvert. He just... stopped responding to the people close to him and they, in turn, stopped coming around. He told me this a couple days ago and wanted to warn me that it was looking like he was going to be doing that same thing again. This morning I got the "official email" where he said he knew he couldn't expect or ask for space rightfully, but he needed it in order to become happy and healthy again.
I've been through severe depression before and I can appreciate his need for space - I would never push my presence on him. I want to be there for him as much as I can, but is it healthy to stay his "girlfriend"? I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before but I don't want to jeopardize his healing by being selfish. I can handle being in a relationship where he's distant and introverted, but should I leave that decision up to him? Or am I ridiculous for even thinking of taking a break while he's going through this, especially when he didn't ask for one?
I just want to do what's best for him.
--S
I've been with my boyfriend for about two and a half months and other than it being a long distance relationship, it's been the best I've ever been in. A couple weeks ago, though, his behavior changed but it could have easily been chalked up to circumstances in his life coming to a head - he suffers from horrible seasonal allergies, his work load doubled, he got terribly sick (twice!), had a business trip (which he got sick on), his car got broken into, etc. His overly-affectionate nature became much less so and it worried me. He was still telling me he loved and missed me but our constant texts, pictures and three-hour long phone calls were not taking place. Eventually my paranoia got the better of me and I asked if everything was all right and he said yes, he's just been run down with the way work and his health had been going.
Our relationship has been such that if he tells me something outright, I know it's the honest to God truth. Neither of us pull any punches, especially if the other person has the courage to ask a tough question. So when he said everything was OK with us, I knew I had nothing to worry about. But that didn't change the fact that he had become distant and I still had no clue why.
Well, he finally told me that he's felt himself slipping back into depression lately. The last time this happened (years before I met him) his friends all but abandoned him because he became a total introvert. He just... stopped responding to the people close to him and they, in turn, stopped coming around. He told me this a couple days ago and wanted to warn me that it was looking like he was going to be doing that same thing again. This morning I got the "official email" where he said he knew he couldn't expect or ask for space rightfully, but he needed it in order to become happy and healthy again.
I've been through severe depression before and I can appreciate his need for space - I would never push my presence on him. I want to be there for him as much as I can, but is it healthy to stay his "girlfriend"? I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before but I don't want to jeopardize his healing by being selfish. I can handle being in a relationship where he's distant and introverted, but should I leave that decision up to him? Or am I ridiculous for even thinking of taking a break while he's going through this, especially when he didn't ask for one?
I just want to do what's best for him.
--S

Welcome to the board seeshellirun,
Give him the space he's asking for.
I have also suffered depression (have been on meds for years).
"needing space" is the same as taking a break.
That's what I was thinking. I asked him flat out what he expected of me during this time - because being his friend and being his girlfriend are going to mean two different things entirely. I'm capable of being either one, but he needs to make it clear which one he wants me to be.
He took today off of work to go see a Psychiatrist, to "nip it in the bud" as quickly as possible, as he put it, so he
Hey did you post this somewhere else recently? I recall a very similar post with only minor details different that I responded to, not sure if it was yours or not so I'll add something anyway.
You are too attached to a very very young relationship if you are making statements like "I want to do what's best for him"... It doesn't make a lot of sense to do what's best for someone else at the expense of yourself. You're not his mother or his wife, or the granddaughter to a sick elderly lady. Depression is controllable, and if he doesn't have it under control then he's not the right person to have a relationship with. He's given you a chance to break up with him and I think you should take it. This isn't healthy for him but what's more important is that it's not healthy for YOU.
You ask if this is ridiculous... It's ridiculous to think that you should be "taking a break" when what you should be doing is breaking up.
Also please be careful of making statements like this too soon: " I love him more than I've ever loved anyone"
As you yourself understand the dynamics of depression and how an individual needs time and often space alone during the process, you can realize what he's going through. You have to decide how much he means to you, and if you're willing to be there for him through this journey. You can decide in your mind how long you are willing to wait and be in this situation. It's important, of course, that he has the right therapy and medication, as well. It's a very personal matter to decide what you are willing to give up for another person, and if you're willing to be with someone who has depression and who can go through this perhaps again.
These days, along with therapy and medication, individuals do learn how to handle depression and live with it successfully. If he is taking correct measures to get well during this period, there is no reason to believe that the situation is hopeless.
Best wishes,
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