depression and marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
depression and marriage
5
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:12am
Im a 51 year old male, and my wife is 46 and left 3 months ago to stay with her sister.She found out in december she was perimenopause and in february was diagnosed as clinical depression.She was having fantasy relationships up to that point, enjoying the attention men gave her. She developed feelings for one late last fall and it was ended before anything serious could happen. She says he stopped it as he was happily married. She lost alot of weight and looks great and 4 weeks ago she realized that she was being looked at only because of her body. She has been onm meds for depression since february and has been coming home on weekends to be with me. I see such an improvement and she is certainly herself when she is with me. Her pms seems to affect her emotions more than ever.When she leaves on sundays she says she loves me and to kjeep her in my heart as i am in hers. I must mention that 4 years ago i had a breif affair with another woman 2400 miles away and who i only ever seen once. I thought she forgave me for that, but it is still an issue in her mind. She has said, rarely, that she wanted to pay me back for what i did. Her positives of late are outweighing her negatives. Her direction was to get her mind back and her family back. She has till this day still call me everyday, stop thru the week to say hi and come on weekends and financially contribute to the household. This past weekend she called friday night and asked if it was ok not to come down and i was upset which led to an argument but on saturday we talked it out and spent the day together sunday and shes coming to stay this weekend. One thing she mentioned was she needed to quit her job. She at this point says shes not ready to talk to a counselor but knows she has some issues she needs to rid of. I am at a lost as to why she cant move home but spend weekends with me other than she says she afraid to move back and wanna move out again if she has a setback. One other thing she says she has to quit hurting me and walking all over me. I love her dearly and she knows it.I guess my question is, am i doing the right thing allowing her to come home on weekends Freinds tell me to kick her butt to the curb. She says she couldnt get thru this without me.. Helpppppppppppppp
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:09pm
Gosh, I'm not at all experienced in a situation such as this but I do deal with depression and understand the dynamics of it though perhaps it is different than pre-menopausal.

However, having said that, my gut was telling me as I was reading your post that as of right now you are serving as her security blanket. She doesn't want the obligation of a marriage/relationship but doesn't want to lose you altogether either. In a way she is using you but I won't go so far as to say she's doing this intentionally. I believe she has every intention of coming back when it's convenient for her. She really is making this whole situation all about her and your feelings have been carelessly shoved aside. You need to tell her how you feel and make no bones about it. Marriage counseling is a must given your infidelity. She obviously has some issues with that (and who wouldn't...that sort of thing STINGS) and I believe there is some more healing to be had. In addition to marriage counseling she may need some individual therapy. Now, I think if you are looking for some direction leading to resolution, you need to insist that if she wants to keep going the way she is that she needs to agree to compromise with you. If you feel that therapy is necessary she needs to agree to go with you. It's like an ultimatum and I know those can be tough to demand but I think that if you don't do something soon you will be stuck in the cycle for a long time to come and she may well never come back.

I wish you luck and wish I had more insight for you. Everything I stated is simply a hunch on my part and you do whatever you feel is necessary. Perhaps someone else can lend some clearer insight into all of this.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:22pm
Encourage her to go to the counseling. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 2:09pm
Just a suggestion, you can bump your original post to the top of the list by replying to yourself or to someone that responded to you, that way your entire story is kept together.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=17855.1&ctx=0

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=17852.1&ctx=0

Also, you might try posting under the Menopause and Perimenopause support board for their opinion:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhmenopause

I think the better question isn't what we think you should do, but what do you want to do? Counseling for you would help you sort out your feelings and give you a starting place to make a decision on what you want and how to achieve it.

Reading material:

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 3:04pm


How convenient for your wife. She gets to do whatever she wants during the week and play house with you on the weekends or whenever she feels like it.

Clinical depression is no excuse for her to ignore your feelings.

You need to start setting some boundaries. Obviously you aren't comfortable with this arrangement, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

If I were you, I would set up an appointment for the two of you to go to a marital counselor. If she's not willing to go, then she's not really trying to work on this relationship. Tell her she can't have it both ways - either she's really trying to rebuild her marriage or she wants to be single.

If she's really wanting to rebuild the marriage, she'll go with you to counseling. (notice I said "with you" - this marriage's problems were not caused solely by her, she should not be the only one who has to work to rebuild it.)

One question that stuck out in my mind:

Why does she feel that she needs to quit her job?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 11:57am
Just an update that she agrred last night to seek counseling and to make her an appointment, The reason she feels she needs to quit her job is that the environment she works in, A Truck Stop she gets alot of attention and last summer admitted she began to have feelings for one certain driver who was married but he stopped it short because his happy marriage. She also again later admitted it again that she was getting out of hand with her feelins for someone else until she realized that they look at her, ( lost alot of weight over this depression ) for one thing and that angered her. She promised 4 weeks ago to me, no more. She says she cant handle her job anymore. One thing she admitted was feeling childish, ashamed and embarrsed for letting this happen, simply because she felt a need top wanna pay me back. This past week she has told me she was gonna stop hurting and blaming me for her depression. She is here this weekend as i said and agreed to see a counselor, i mentioned that she has to come home soon and she agreed,, Thanks for your input.. Wally