Depression or Midlife Crisis?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Depression or Midlife Crisis?
4
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 6:29pm
Hello,

My husband and I have been married a little over a year and just recently I have noticed wierd and alarming changes in his behavior. Everything has been going really good our whole marriage except for him dealing with a few things such as going into a small depression over his close friends not coming around after we got married because he was trying to make a change of life and not do some of the things he had been doing before we met (light drug use, hanging out at the bars, etc.). I have been there and listened to him once a month go through this sadness and tried to support and cheer him up. Other than that things had been good. We just purchased our first home and at first he seemed to be in a great mood, now he is acting withdrawn and depressed and says that he is not sure of anything anymore, but he still tells me he loves me. He has had a big decrease in sexual drive and almost gets aggrivated when I try to heat things up. He says he is bored and unexcited. He bought a ATV in hopes that he could start riding again and relive a part f his childhood. He has started saying things about other females, which he NEVER used to do, his focus had always been on me. They are just small things he says but still confusing for me. He thinks I need to workout more and get in better shape, which I agree but this man has never before made me feel unattractive, but somehow he is doing it now. I am 5'4 and 119lbs. so I am not over weight. He has gained a medium amount of weight around his waist line in the past year, but I still love him none the less. Also he has lied to me about the amount of money he is spending and is spending alot on his 4-wheeler, when now we have things like a house payment monthly.He knows he is wrong and if it had been me to lie and spend that knd of money I would have never heard the end of it, I would have been in the dog house big time.. so I really don't feel things are as 50/50 as they were.Also he has had fits of anger not directed towards me but he just seems to loose his cool over everyday agrivating situations. I am becoming more selfless and he more selfish! My husband is 28. What is going on ??? Is it anything I did?? How can I help him and us ?????

PLEASE HELP!!!!!


Edited 8/10/2004 6:49 pm ET ET by jeo53103
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 7:04pm
Hello, the guy used "drugs/drinking" to cope with the emotional upset of life. HE's an "addict' in terms of thinking -w hich is really what 12-step programs deal with once you're "physically clean".

he's upset that he can't go out and placate his feelings...he's done everything that everybody said he should....he got maried to you, he bought a house, he works his job...and guess what - that doesn't "make him happy" - it shouldn't - it's not designed to, it can't.

And now he's upset...that he doesn't have he "lifestyle" he had in terms of emotional numbness.

He was insecure, anxiety ridden, fearful, depressed, angry, and frustrated then...and he went out partying with his friends to forget it.

HE was insecure, anxiety ridden, fearful, depressed, angry and frustrated - stopped going otu with his friends and did the "other thing" people told him would "stop him from feeling like he did' - he got married, he put on the trappings and appearances of maturity and success.

But now he's still got "those feeligns"...and honey, you can listen all you want, and sympathize all you want - but the fact is the guy does not like who he is, he doesn't know who he is, he's gone around doing whatever "makes him feel good" - he didn't have things or status until you came along - he likes the benefits of the possessions and status - but he doesn't like the obligations of it and he's lashing out.

YOU cannot cure him....you 'enabled" him....just like you think you enabled him "out of his bad habits" - you're enabling him right back into them.....because he's going to do what he wants to do. And waht he wants is for all these "feelings" to go away - all the self-negativity, and anger and fear and doubt...and it won't - no matter what he does, or where he goes - THERE HE IS.

He needs to try AA or NA. And don't you "go with him" either. And if he won't go - don't listen to the justifiation of "I don't use anymore" - the most "successful" people int hose programs stay in those programs precisely so they won't "use anymore" because what they learn there - they utilize to create a great life where using wouldn't be of benefit or pleasure.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 7:31pm
But honestly... If he was addicted then how could he quit cold turkey like that? He dosen't miss the drugs he misses the people... he knew them since kndergarden. We have friends now that are wild and crazy but he has never once wanted to do anything hard like coke or anything.. and he hardly drinks. Mabye part of it is coming from the fact that he did smoke pot every now and then and he is stopping for a new job, but you don't really think that everything is happening because he misses that old life style and if so how do I address this?

As a note I never smoke with him or with anyone for that matter does that have anything thing to do with this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 2:50pm
What he's missing is being popular, people seeking his company, no matter what the reason.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 3:11pm
Really, it's complicated.

Once you have the drug/alcohol out of your system for 72 hours - you're "body sober".....but the reality is you didn't use to excess in order to "get high/drunk" - you did it to cope with negative feelings, insecurities, to avoid having to become a responsible adult.

Sure, he misses the people......and if he hung out with them he'd do what they do.

What you're seeing is the "white knuckle" reality of addiction. It's when someone doesn't choose recovery as an option.

They do something "different" to cope - they totally change their lifestyle and their focus becuase it is a distraction and diversion from the self-negativity and doubt that pervades their world.

And he did that when you came along becuase being with you- made him feel positive about himself. But now he's figuring out that there is work, effort, sacrifice and requirement in this lifestyle that he' gotten into - and he didn't get into this lifestyle and marriage thinking I have to work, expend, scrifice, communicate, tolerate, endure, and succeed...he got into this thinking "If I marry her and hold a job and buy a house - I'll BE successful, secure and happy and then I will "like me".

In short, white knuckling is the anger reaction when someone that was an addict/drunk figures out that by "stopping drinking" they really haven't changed their feelings - if though they changed their lifestyle and habits.

And you're an enbler....you married his "potential" and he appeared to live up to it...and now you're finding out the flip side of enabling - you don't control what he wants or says or does or thinks or feels...and now it's impacting you 100% and your future.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com