desperate for advice-fast...please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
desperate for advice-fast...please!
13
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 8:58pm
Hey. I gotta make this kinda quick, so i'll just try to give as much detail as brief as i can. Ok, me and my ex fiance broke up about a yr and a half ago. We broke up b/c we were fighting alot...most on my part. but we both really did love eachother. Anyway, me and my ex still talk sometimes&i still love him&know he still cares about me. We don't see eachother very much at all. But my problem is...i want to get back together...but he says he doesn't have time for a relationship. But then other days he tells me how much he still loves me&still wants to be with me someday....i just dont know if that'll ever happen. 'cause he keeps givin me mixed signals&it has been a long time. Ok, well...my point of this letter is...i'm going to see him tonight&i don't know how i should act around him...or what i should say. i mean, should i act interested&flirt w/him 'n stuff. or should i maybe just back off for once&make him come to me. I'm just really nervous, and desperately need someone elses advice on my situation...and maybe in the next 30 min....please...ANYONE. I've been waiting for a yr and a half&i've gotten nowhere. thanks for ur time

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 3:37am
Get the book HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU. It will save you a ton of misery in life. Mixed messages, translated mean "I'm just not that into you". It's a sad fact but men are too uptight to hurt our feelings and they do not want to deal with crying and questions like "WHY??? and What did I do wrong??" Usually it's that they just aren't that interested or found someone else but they don't want a big scene. Read the book and you will never have to go through this again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:23pm
Thank u so much for ur reply&advice. I have been told that before-that maybe he's just not into me. But there is so much to my situation that i just can't put into words. The thing is...i know he still loves me. And i have given up before...actually quite a few times&stopped talking to him. But everytime...about a few weeks later he writes me or calls me&tells me he misses me&wants to see me and "take things slow". And everytime i think maybe he's really serious this time....but then after i see him a few times he acts like he never even said any of that....then we go back to stage one and do it all over again. Sounds confusing huh? i know...trust me, if i could just find it in myself to get over him&ignore him i would. But the fact that we have mutual friends kinda makes that impossible for me. Anyway, my point is, if he's really 'not into me'...why would he call me&tell me he misses me 'n stuff. I mean, why wouldn't he just continue not talking to me? I know my situation is kinda odd...but if u or anyone else has any more advice or answers to my questions i would really apreciate it. thank you so much
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 5:13pm
hello... all i wanted to say is that maybe he is seeing someone. thats probably why he is giving you mixed messages and doesn't want to commite yet. just think about some actions he does and try to figure it out. don't just decide because he calls you and misses you. i wish you the best of luck. and just confront him with it. ask him what you are dying to ask. he needs to let you know. how old are you by the way if you don't mind me asking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 7:26pm
Yeah, i have thought about that alot. The thing is....i'm just kinda scared to talk to him about it because that's one of the main reasons we broke up...i got jealous alot&asked alot of questions. So i think that if i started asking him if he's seeing anyone all the time then he would think that things were going back to how they used to be&any desire he had left to be with me would be gone. I have asked him a while back if he was seeing anyone, or if there is anyone he's tryin to get with. And he said no, but maybe he just didn't want to tell me. but that's why i'm scared to ask. I know that he does hang out w/girls, but he says that they're just friends...so i can't say much. I know my situation sounds really odd&confusing, and it is. But i think that if i could be with him in the end...it would all be worth it. I'm just getting tired of not knowing what to do anymore to get him to want to be w/me again. i mean, i know he wants to some times...but he never acts on it. Like i said...i've been doing this for a yr and a half...&i've pretty much gotten nowhere. So, i'm hoping that w/the help&support of u guys i can get out of this horrible situation and misery i have been in for so long. Thank u so much for ur advice. And i think i will just straight up ask him if he is interested in someone else....i'm just scared he'll get mad. But i think i deserve to know. Anyway...again, i really appreciate ur reply&i'll keep u posted. Oh, and we're both twenty...sorry i left that out
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 9:27pm
well girl i wish you luck on being straight up with him. i know you are scared, but you have to do what you gots to do. i am going through the samething. i question my boyfriend but like i tell him. wouldn't you rather me question you then start insinuating. i am going through a tough time with my boyfriend. he has been hanging out with his ex-. ( just read my story i have it posted and you'll see what i mean)but whatever, just take it nice and slow and one day at a time. you guys are still young and trust me there is time.(so far).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 2:35am
I can't believe what I'm seeing here. Your afraid HE will get mad !!! Your the one that should be mad! Your his emergency back up. He has someone else but when she's busy he calls good ole stand by--YOU. I just hope you don't get a disease from this guy. You'll have sucker stamped on your head until the day you wake up and kick him to the curb.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 1:37pm
Thank u both for ur replies. Before i posted here, i thought maybe i was in the wrong to ask him if he is interested in anyone else. But i see now that there are other girls out there that would do the same. And now i realize that i do deserve to know if he is seeing anyone...even if i am his ex. 'cause he knows i still want to be with him. I have another question though before i do confront him about it. Since pretty much the only time i see him is around all of our friends...and we e-mail eachother about once a week...do you think it would be ok to ask him about it in an e-mail? It's just kinda hard to get him alone w/all of our friends there&i think that if i ask him about it, it might put him in a bad mood for the rest of the night. I don't know, but what do you guys think about me asking in an e-mail? do u think it really matters? Also, i talk to some of his really close friends&i think they would tell me if there was another girl that he was serious about. I actualy talked to his best friend a couple nights ago, and he told me that he was tellin' my ex that he should get back w/me. he was sayin how it must mean something if after this long i still wanna be w/him, and we still talk&have a good time together. So...why would his best friend tell him that if he was serious about some other girl? Anyway, thanks for your time&please keep me posted...it has really helped me alot so far
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 1:20am
Ok, you asked about emailing him. In my opinion that would give him lots of time to make up a good lie and polish it up before hitting send. You asked why his friend would say what he did to you...guys have friends to back up what they say and help them out in sticky situations with chicks, including saying something to make the girl happy so she'll calm down and shut up. You really need to get the book called "He's Just Not Into You." When a guy likes a girl and is really interested he'll call alot and bring flowers and walk miles if necessessary to get to her. Girls tell how they feel. Guys HATE to say how they feel especially if the girl will cry. And lastly, you keep saying you don't want to ask him if he's seeing someone else because he'll be in a bad mood. If he was punching you in the face would you be afraid to ask him to stop because it would annoy him? THINK! He's hurting you. Not with fists but with dishonesty and disrespect for your feelings. He IS hurting you and your afraid you'll annoy him. Think about how rediculous that sounds. Here's another thought for you: Half of the population of the whole planet is male. You have millions and millions and MILLIONS of potential boyfriends out there that would walk through fire to get to your side. Your wasting precious time with this guy. Now read this again slowly out loud and think about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 5:41pm
Hi. Thanks again for ur advice. And i'm still going to ask him if he is interested in anyone else right now...but now i have another problem. Well...i guess it's not really a problem, 'cause i still want things to work&i think this is going to bring us closer...but if it doesn't,then i guess it would be a problem. ok, i'll explain. Well, my dad and brother 'n law just started their own business&right now they are the only two in this business. Anyway, they needed one other person to start with to help them. So...guess who they decided to ask...my ex-fiance. and my ex is going to do it. So now...not only am i gonna be stuck w/him forever b/c of us having mutual friends, but he is going to be working with my dad&brother 'n law. Either for a REALLY long time, or possibly FOREVER. So, even though i don't want to, how am i suppossed to move on&forget about him if he is still so much a part of my life? The main thing is though, even though you&other people on this board think i should move on, i honestly truely love this guy&do not want to move on. And the excuse he usually gives me for not wanting a relationship right now is that he doesn't have time b/c of school&work&he plays hockey. which is understandable...and we are still young, i guess thats why i do still want to work things out w/him someday. But now that he is going to work w/my dad, he isn't gonna be going to school anymore&he'll have different hrs 'n everything. So...i guess i'm just hoping that w/all the stress off his shoulders, he might give us another chance. I dunno, but now i want things to work so much between us...if he really loves me like he says he does...i'll do anything to make it work. Do u have any suggestions? Or maybe any suggestions on what u would do if u were in my situation? I need to hear someone elses opinion&I would appreciate it so much. Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 7:38pm
Forget about him. He's using you every time he's not with another girl. Do you with with your dad and brother as well? do they work in your house? Do they work where you are all the time? If not...then it shouldn't be any harder to stop dating him. He's USING you. He doesn't want a relationship with you right now because then it would be harder to sneak around your back and get with other girls. He may not have any real interest in other girls, but that doesn't mean he's not making out/sleeping with them.

You are kidding yourself if you think that he is suddenly going to love you and have all this time for you and stop seeing other girls any time soon. People change, but this guy...he's got it made because he probably has a bunch of girls he's dating and then a stand in booty call/girlfriend without the committment and when he says jump you say how high.

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