desperate for help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2008
desperate for help...
3
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 3:20am

I am so nervous and desperate, please take a few moments to read this and maybe give me some advice...


I got engaged to my fiance Christmas of 07...we've been together for some time and there seems to be a recurring issue of my insecurity coming into play...it's so bad that now my fiance has decided to take time away from me because he does not know if he even wants to be with me anymore...


I don't understand and I'm desperate for help...I know he loves me...I know he'd never cheat...and we've fought about it because I've been cheated on in the past. I know that I've carried this insecurity into our current relationship and I tend to jump to conclusions about him when I know in my heart he's not doing anything...even tonight...i found a photo that was taken of him and a friend the other day. The photo was just of them with their arms over the others' shoulders...but the photo made me a little uncomfortable so I called him to let him know it upset me and to ask if he would not take pictures with that person...he told me i was overreacting and we ended up having a huge fight. At this point, we're not together, we're talking about working on things but it's times like this where I know

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 4:04am

Hi NewlyEngaged07,

I am 22 years old. I am not going let you think that I am older/wiser when I am not. When I was 19, I was there where you are now. Yes, being insecure does ruin yourself and your relationship.

I have been there. You said you found a photo of your finance with his arms around another woman. My last boyfriend kept pics of his ex and I told him to toss it out b/c I got so jealous.

Your finance went on a trip and you fear him cheating on you. My last boyfriend went to help his female friend with her computer, and I accused him of cheating.

I have a new boyfriend now, and now that he goes on a trip, and the fear of being cheated on is there, yes...if I didn't care, the jealousy would not be there. But the thing is I can only be the best gf I can be. The fear was just a thing that crossed my mind. I didn't go crazy like I use to with the last bf.

"As there may be external threats to your relationship, all you can do is learn to trust partner, because in the end, you create your own reality. You create what you fear, and ensure what you are secure about."

~ quote by me...lol from my blog (insight from books self help books I read and Dr. Phil)

Read this book: Biting the Apple, Women Get Wise About Love. By: Judith Sills, Ph.D. it is at the local library too if it is a big library. Check it out and read it!

It talks about how women are being more emotionally equipped for love because they need their man less.

how is that possible?

A secure man would want his women to want him enough (emotionally, sexually, and romantically) BUT he wants her to be complete and secure by herself b/c he can't be with her 24/7. He has to work and stuff so he needs his woman to have priorities outside of him. (my insight, not from that book....lol)

Why am I so secure now with the new bf than the old one? I am still in college. I am still the same person...don't think I am more attractive than before. I just seem more attractive b/c I come off with more confidence.

I just choose to feel more secure. If, say, my new bf were to cheat on me...would it be the end of the world? NO! I would just leave and meet someone better and faithful.

I would never hound on the idea that he would cheat on me, b/c like I said, I would be creating what I fear.

So, I would say to you: Be the best finance you can be, and let him just be him. And in the mean time...think about the answer to this question:

What makes you such a worth woman, that you don't deserve to be cheated on? Is it the end of the world if you were cheated on?

Good Luck!

Please answer my Post too if you have time...it is titled "Age Difference - Will it Work?" -invincible angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 6:20pm

A suggestion is to try to determine if you are feeling jealous and insecure on your own...or is this not the right person for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 1:49pm

Welcome to the board newlyengaged07,


I think you have a few things going on.