Desperate for him!!! With my live in guy
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| Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:15pm |
My guy and I meet when his exwife had left him almost 2 years before for another man but still come her husband hanging on wanted a fall back I think!! We met when he decided he needed to start to move on with his life and we first became friends and talked so much. When his ex found out she moved back home with him this lasted afew days. He needed to try again and I thought he should to. Well we got back together and it wasn't even three months later she again wanted to try. This was a 27 year marriage and my guy needed to do this final thing to make sure that it was the right thing to do. I at this time moved down south for them to decided whatever they wanted to do. Well she stayed again for a short time and then moved back with her boyfriend. Her husband then at this time filed for divorce. I came back home to take care of an inheritance matter and we decided to get back together. He seemed like he had finally let go and I truly believed he loved me and I still think he does. We hae been together for over a year now.
His ex is now calling him at work and he usually cuts her short, hangs up on her and has told her not to call. Well the last time she called we had had an arguement and that was her in to talk. She hinted she wanted to get back with him. Her live in guy has been seeing other women and she is scared and also seemed concerned now about the family!!! Their kids are all older in 20-30's. She told her ex all the faults with this guy she is with and that she can't change him to be like him. She asked how we were doing and he said we have our up's and down. He told her we had talked about marriage but did not tell her he had asked me to marry him and I said yes though he has not given me a ring? Strange right!!!He told her he had told me he would never leave me and his ex wanted to know why he would tell me that!!! They had a very closed relationship hardly no communication and he didn't like that but he is still that way with me though alittle better.
Well after about 3 weeks with her calling about 8 times he told me when we made up that she had been calling and that combined with our disagreement had him hiding in his cave. He says she is calling mostly about the kids!!! Sure she uses that as an excuse to get call but then talks about all their personal stuff!
I point blank asked him if he would ever go back to her and he said he was leaving that option open in case we don't work out so he has a place to live. I asked him if he could ever love her again and he said "he could never say never as this word is so overused." He used this as an example if he would ever get ill and were not together and if she would take care of him he would most likely do that!!!!
We bought our house 50-50. Well he paid more for the house but I bought all the stuff that we were buying and going half half on so it comes out to be about even. Now he calls me a freeloader though I pay for the big stuff RV, Trips, taxes, furniture, he does pay for most of the monthly bills though I have helped as he is not good at it and doesn't pay on time. We are financially fine no house payment no car payment nothing big only normal montly bills. I do not work outside the home but I do all the house stuff plus whatever I can do for him to take that off of his shoulders.
He is mad at me because I tend to be a independent person. He likes to know where I go and why and sometimes I don't tell him and this upsets him. I even have started to lie that I haven't done something as he is so controlling about it. I know this is wrong but there is something that makes me do this. well he finds out I have lied and is more upset.
Were having problems with he is a workaholic and I don't feel like I get nearly enough time for us to be together until he is just to tired. He also is not a morning person. Our sex life has become almost nonexistent? It happens if it is me nurturing him, other wise not very often is he the person to start it. He is a very selfish man who does need alot of nurturing but so do I!!!!! He is a good guy though in so many ways. And I do love him dearly and try so hard yes I screw up at times and I am afraid he won't be here for me in the long run and have told him these insecurities I am feeling and to help me with them. He hasn't much yet. I think he is still getting calls from the ex but he doesn't tell me as he doesn't want to upset me!
I need help. He came home at noon today and got upset and walked out again as usual his form of communication is by emails he says it is easier for him to explain that way.
I think we are on the verge of seperating and maybe more. I don't know someday I think it would be good for us.
Please help me. I don't know if I am overreacting to all the stuff with his ex or if it is just bothering me so much because of our own issues.
Help me please I feel like it is all my fault. I am that kind of person. I need the need to talk more I am more social and need this contact he is a homebody we need to find a middle ground. I feel like all I do is work and we don't have any emotional connecting time.
thanks so much please help me!!!!

He is not an emotionally healthy person. An emotionally healthy person, even if they desire a relationship, will not settle on just anything in order to avoid being alone. An emotionally healthy person would rather be alone than be in a dysfunctional, unhappy situation, even if it means some loneliness. An emotionally healthy person can feel secure, trusting and confident while allowing their partner independence in the relationship. And only an emotionally healthy person can develop a healthy and successful relationship. Since he is not one, you won't be finding that with him. Being "desperate" for someone to the extreme that you overlook these facts may signal some emotional unhealthiness on your part as well.
There's really nothing you can do to change another person's state of mental or emotional health. Accepting what's fact though might make it easier to make a wise choice for yourself here, even if it's a bit painful to do so. Staying with him probably will end up being even more painful. Good luck.
We met when he was still married and I was there for alot of emotional support and for him to talk and really open up. He knew and accepted his share of the problems in the marriage almost to the point of taking all the blame. But I think it is another story for him to correct these behaviors he really still carries so many of them and hasn't worked on correcting them and to be honest I don't know if he realizes he is doing alot of the same things in our relation that he did in that one. I see alot of things now with us that he told me he did or did not do with her that caused the marriage to crumble.
Your right about me too some unhealthy behaviors and the need of security and love. But to give up the kind of love my heart craves I don't know that I can. I do love him but it is not totally a healthy kind of love. We BOTH have alot of issues to deal with of our own.
Thank you so much for your quick response as I know when he gets home/or if he does/ we will not talk or it will be a blowup either way is not good. I need real communication and he is a real "cave man" hides out and then when he comes out he thinks it is all solved and the issues never get talked about though he says they are settled in his head, da what about me and me knowing what he is thinking and where he is at.
Again thanks Secretiger any more ideas please let me know! It helps for me to unload!
10 'if he would ever get ill and were not together and if she would take care of him he would most likely do that!!!! '
9. 'Now he calls me a freeloader '
8.'He is mad at me because I tend to be a independent person. He likes to know where I go and why and sometimes I don't tell him and this upsets him.'
7.'he is a workaholic '
6.'Our sex life has become almost nonexistent?'
5.'He is a very selfish man who does need alot of nurturing but so do I!!!!!'
4.'I think he is still getting calls from the ex but he doesn't tell me as he doesn't want to upset me!'
3.'He came home at noon today and got upset and walked out again as usual his form of communication is by emails he says it is easier for him to explain that way.'
2.'all I do is work and we don't have any emotional connecting time.'
and the number one reason:
'I point blank asked him if he would ever go back to her and he said he was leaving that option open in case we don't work out so he has a place to live.'
Communication, trust and feeling security from another person is such a huge part of Love. They say love is an emotion which is totally true but all this makes the love strong and allows it to grow.
"When I said I don't know if I can live "without the kind of love I crave" I meant I am not getting it from him" and can I live with him without it I think I have known I can't for quite some time hoping it would change he would change!
I need to work on myself now! I thought I was on my way when the twof of us met. Why do I lie to him why am I afraid to tell him the truth? I had taken care of so many issues but still have more to go I know!!!Not to settle, know it is OK for me to have needs and it doesn't make me a selfish person.
One needs to give one needs to receive.
I think when only the things I do wrong (in his eyes) are whats making our relationship fall apart but what I need is not important that he cannot understand it's not good it won't work. Very selfish!!
He has not talked to me since he came home yesterday and I haven't even seen him except for him talking to a neighbor outside from our window. I'm not sure if he is sleeping downstairs in the RV or maybe he took off.
He holds in a "cave" way to much! Is a very inward person! Some women can maybe handle this I can't. Is it a women thing needing to talk he seems to think so.
My gut has been telling me something is not right! He says it is all because of my not telling him where I have gone and even later lying to him that I have gone! That he canot trust me. This is so terrible wrong of me why do I do this? But I feel it is more then that that that he is confused, the ex, letting her back and going on with the crazy type of relationship they had (not good) but what he is accustomed to. I cannot stop it not even sure I want to anymore. I want more and I remember so many conversations of him saying this too, but he is not willing to do the hard work, share and give to me what I need. I even think let they are good for one another.
I have to wonder was I his fallback when he decided he had to end the marriage? We were good friends he had told me everything his mistakes, her mistakes, the guy she was living with he was so very open. I was understanding I was honest and told him how I felt about it all. I did not blame. He seemed to know his mistakes wanted more, wanted to work at what he knew he had not done right. Now the same things are happening here he is not giving to this relationship so he'll fall back to her and they will both continue on with their unhealthy stuff. Ya I know!!! it has been unhealthy here too but I have known it and have tried but I cannot make him change. I can change!! Work on me!!!! Gosh I am almost 50 and still need help!
He has so many good points so he is not a bad person at all, it's just we are not good for one another.
I feel kind of numb right now, though I feel the tears and the pain coming. I am so tired of tears and pain.
All I hope for is we can talk and be civil not argue anymore listen and understand.
Have a good day everyone and I will keep you informed. Keep me in your prayers!!!
PS anyone want to be email buddies? I sure sure use one!