In desperate need of guidance

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
In desperate need of guidance
22
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 11:21am
Some of you might remember my story. This has been a weird friendship that has been developing for over a year. Basically it all started when I was approached by co-workers who asked me why I hadn't hooked up with a girl who was clearly following me around and hitting on me at every chance. This got my attention, and lucky for me I found someone I was very interested in as a friend at the very least. We started spending time together alone outside of work and began talking regularly. Things eventually got questionable. We were essentially dating without any physical relationship. I finally approached her telling her how I felt. She denied having feelings for me but wanted to be friends. I was really suprised and a bit hurt, but I was already her friend and wouldn't turn my back on that. Time passed. She became more flirty with me, and a bit more confusing. She would ask lots of questions about my personal life and accuse me of having secret girlfriends. After a few more instances that were very clearly flirting on her hand (no questions about those times), I asked her again if she had feelings for me. Same problem. This time I backed off a bit.

Fast forward several months. I was trying my best to do the friendship thing with her. I was slowly becoming more and more angry and feeling taken for granted. I finally backed off and stopped calling/messaging. I also got a new prestigious job, and soon after lost the job that I shared with her. Things were really starting to change. In her typical hot and cold friendship fashion, she started calling me late at night, like 12 and 1 in the morning telling me she was upset knowing I wouldn't be a phone call away if she wanted me. She let me know it really bugged her to not have me "always there". Time continued on and I still kept to my policy of staying further away from her. She'd be the one to call, and she'd be the one to initiate any nights out.

Here we are now. Two weeks ago I was out with another girl. I missed a phone call from this girl on a Saturday night asking me out. Two days later I got another call from this girl asking if I wanted to spend the night with her watching movies and making food. I said I was interested, but only if she was serious. I said serious because she often times cancels at the last minute or has something come up. Well... The weekend came by. I accidently bumped into her in person, and had her tell me she had to postpone the movie date. Not in a mood to hear it I started to walk. I came home later that night to a message from her apologizing saying that she wasn't cancelling, just delaying, and wanted to get together the next day. Sure enough the next night came along, I was ready... But nothing.... I get a call around midnight from her telling me she was late getting into town after a family function. She asked me if I still wanted to do something in about two days. I just started laughing at this point. She got angry. I told her whatever... And she started accusing me of not really caring about whether we hung out because I was all "whatever" and "who cares". So what's the deal???? I'm supposed to be an emotional wreck for her? Well... Sure enough the next day comes along. I arrive home from an afternoon shift to find that she had messaged me on the computer explaining she couldn't get together because of a relative in town for the night. She said that I probably thought she was the bad friend again... And that I probably hated her. She was really sorry to keep doing this to me. I saw her late LATE night online that night... But she never messaged me. I refused to talk to her. That was earlier in the week. So here we are. I've refused to call and am still left wondering what's going on.

Any opinions? Is she getting off on doing this to me? Is this because I stopped giving her emotions, and she's trying to evoke an emotional reaction? I've never snapped at her before... I've actually been so passive with her. She knows me fairly well, and has NEVER seen me as angry as I can be. I always go quiet instead of saying something that might hurt her. The last phone call with her she knew something was wrong and kept prodding me to tell her what was on my mind. She kept telling me to say whatever I wanted to say and "Get it out" because she knows me and how I am with people. Some friends have suggested in her own twisted way she gets off when I assert myself. She wants me to be the man and shut her down. She thrives on that they say. I just don't know what to think... To be ditched so many times when she asked ME out is just confusing and hurtful to me. Does anyone have any ideas what she might be thinking? How do I handle this now? When she calls next, do I just hang up, do I say something mean, or do I blow it off completely? I need help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 3:19pm
Back up - you are a good friend, the problem is - she is not and her behavior indicates that she never will be. Also you want(ed) more than just friendship - she's stringing you along for her own selfish reasons - be it ego, nothing better to do, knows you care, likes the attention.

You have to take care of you. I think you did right by calling her on her stuff, finally getting mad about the way she treats you, stands you up, makes plans and breaks them - that's called being a FLAKE. If this was any other friend, would you have put up with it? You excuse her behavior and we are all confused as to why you do this, why you allow her to treat you this way????


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 11:57pm
Well. It finally happened. She called yesterday and noticed that I was not too receptive to hearing from her. She asked if I was mad. I said what I felt was irrelevant at this point. She kept pushing and pushing saying it wasn't her fault that plans fell through. I snapped. I told her I was sick of exhausting my time and energy in a friendship that seems to me to be one sided. I continued on to ask her to have some personal belongings ready for me to pick up. She went silent and realized I was serious. I wanted no excuses left for us to have to talk. I was angry with her because I felt she hadn't been a good friend. She opened up telling me that she swore the reasons she had to postpone were legitimate, she was terribly sorry and was trying her best. She even continued to tell me that she wasn't blowing me off for other guys. She told me that I'm the one guy she spends most of her time with, often more than with her own girlfriends. I didn't care. I found it odd too that she'd tell me that though. I started to yell again and let her know I would no longer let myself be the backup friend she could always count on when better things didn't go how she liked. She promised me that this wasn't the case and told me I had to believe her. I was really important to her and she never used me as a backup, I was always a priority. She said her life was a mess of a lot of things, but one thing she was sure of was that I'm important to her. I flashed back to several months ago when she turned me down to date. Back then I told her I thought our relationship was different and that we were closer than friends are. She responded that she has lots of guy friends and they're no different than I am. I reminded her of that now and suggested if she doesn't see me anymore she'll be just fine because there's lots of other guys she can bother.

The conversation went on and I realized more and more things could never work. She'd say stupid things that just frusterated me. Months ago I bought her a bracelet as a thinking of you gift. I had NEVER seen her wear it for months. I even remember her saying she felt awkward getting the gift because she wasn't sure if it was an attempt by me to coax her into bed. She asked me if I noticed what she was wearing the other day. I said no, I wasn't looking at you. She said she had the bracelet on for the first time and she loves it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought that was a confusing thing to say to a guy considering the story behind it.

Well... That's how it went down. The call lasted over 2 hours. She wanted to make plans again to come see me and make things up to me. She kept apologizing, saying she'd make it up to me. I just said I wanted my things back and I had no desire to hang out with her. So that's that. I get my things back in a few days and I get the benefit of a face to face encounter. I'm terrible on the phone, and I know she uses the phone as a bit of a shield. Once those things are back in my posession, I can look her in the eye and say goodbye for good, and walk and not look back. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 11:08am
I am sooo proud of you. ;)

Maybe she will learn a lessen about how to treat her friends now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:19pm
Wow, I'm impressed too! You stood up for yourself, yeah. You deserve so much more in a friendship and a relationship.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:00pm
Ok just another question. As soon as I get my belongings back from her it's over. I haven't changed my plan and I'm actually looking forward to it. The only catch is we have talked a couple times in order to work out how to get my stuff back.

I got a message from her the other night at 2 in the morning. Back in the day we had talked about a resort area that we both enjoy. I told her I had a friend there who could give me a place to stay and get most of my things for free. During the conversation the other night, she asked if I still thought of going. I said yes. She then told me she would be in the resort town for a few days with her girlfriends. I asked if that was her way of asking me out. She didn't respond with a yes or a no. She simply said if I was going to be in the area, it would be great, and we could party. I guess I found this kind of odd. I had never mentioned I'd be going up there in the near future, and it seemed like she was trying to hook up.

You guys tell me if I'm wrong. Is this a mixed signal considering how it came about? Was this a come on? We're supposed to be just friends... And her asking me if I'll be in a resort town 6 hours away so we can "party" almost seems like a come on. Am I wrong?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:07pm

Well, we were excited for you too soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:37pm
I get it. Unless you're reading my mind, but hey anything's possible.

Sometimes you offer great advice, but you're really not one to tell me what I'M thinking.

I was curious about a comment she made, and I was wondering if anyone wanted to take a look at it. Don't worry, I am letting go and cutting off contact. I'm just not gonna stonewall her before I get my stuff back and risk not getting stuff back.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:41pm

Okaaaaay, then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 5:02pm
Like I said many times before... I used to be pretty caught up in her. Obsessed with her? No. Absolutely not now. I just try to understand the ups and downs a little better by coming online and seeking constructive advice. I can take advice, good or bad, but I just find it a bit insulting and non-constructive to get "advice" from people who tell me what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. The internet is cool to get some ballpark observations and advice, so I just have a really hard time accepting advice from someone who claims to know myself better than I do. Other than that, you have been a great help. Happy holidays.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 5:48pm
Ok, I see this as part of her pattern - she is wishy washy, flaky, if you are avaiable and want to hang out with her, then she's ok with that. In other words, her behavior hasn't changed. She's throwing you a bone, seeing if she can *get you* back to the way things were before.....yet, trust me if a better offer comes around yet again, she's go for those other plans, leaving you high and dry again.

Figuring her out is pretty much a waste of time, in my opinion, but heck our minds do work in weird ways.


Carrie