Desperately needed advice
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Desperately needed advice
| Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:48am |
I feel is though we are stuck in a rut. I really am frustrated and angry towards my boyfriend for living at home, being a slow poke in college, and working a crummy part-time job. He is 28 years old, when we first got together when he was 25, I was 18 (now 21) and I never thought his life would basically stay the same with little improvement over 3 years time. I've come to be more critical as the time passes. I’ve had many conversations with him about it but nothing really changes. Recently I have suggested to go to couples therapy because I’m angry at him for not getting his act together. I really worry that if we did get married one day I would have to carry the weight for both of us. Financially I make more than him and end up paying for most things. I also make all the decisions about what we are going to do, arranging vacations etc. I’ve tried handing the responsibility but we end up doing nothing. But I was debating even if he did have his act together should I commit to someone so early in life? I am about to graduate college within the year and really feel I have to sort things out. What should I do?

'I really worry that if we did get married one day I would have to carry the weight for both of us'
I think that is a reasonable worry considering that he has been this way since you have known him. You are maturing and he is still acting like an adolescent. Some people never get the motivation and some people have personalities where they don't like to plan which is fine and something you can't change. But can you live with it? Add to that the fact that both of you are young and your lives, values, interests, experiences may be so different 10 years from now that there is a chance you could have even much less in common.
Counseling is great if you both want to stay in the relationship. Decide that first (can you live with his PERSONALITY never changing?) and then go from there. Maybe the relationship has run it's course.
Welcome to the board peacepia,
Consider some short-term counseling to help you sort through the issues, even if he won't go with you.
Reading material to consider:
Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis
Thanks for all you input. I gathered my strength and had a serious talk with my boyfriend. I gave him two options: 1) go on a 1 month break or 2) We could break-up that day. We chose the month break. I made it very clear I wanted to see changes and proof he is committing to making it work. I need to see him put in the energy to turn his life around for me and but more importantly for himself or he really is a lost cause. We’ll see how it goes. For me the break is important so that I will go through withdraw symptoms of a break-up just in case he really isn’t serious about getting his life together.
Next time we meet I demanded to get a detailed timeline and how long it will take him to graduate and he must have copies of all the jobs he has submitted his resume to.
My friends and family are relieved I finally seriously took a stand.
Peace