Desperately wanting a baby....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Desperately wanting a baby....
14
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:12pm

I'm not actually a mom, but I really want to be. I am 19 and getting married May 2008 and my fiance is 18 and starting college in Fall 2007. I have always dreamed of being a mom, the problem is, my fiance doesn't want to have kids for a LONG time. He's a really smart guy who intends to stay in college for at least 6-8 years, but I'm just finishing up my last year, and I'll graduate just before I get married. I have been on birth control pills for several months now. Here in the past couple months it just has REALLY hit me how much I would love to have a baby right now.

I have discussed this with my fiance, and he sympathizes my wishes, but reminds me how long he'll be in college and we can't really afford to have a baby right now (which we COULD make it work, we just wouldn't be going out to eat about every night like we are). The conversation of having a baby comes up everytime I see him now and I always end up getting upset and crying. He wants to have kids, no doubt, but not until he's out of college...:(

I believe I have what it takes to be a mom. I am a very nurturing person, a natural born mother, and mature beyonds my years I have been told. I just CANNOT get it out of my head wanting to have a baby. I work at a retail clothing store and I just about cry everytime a pregnant woman comes by or a mommy is buying her toddler a pretty Easter dress or suit.

I have been becoming very depressed lately over it and in the back of my mind I thought "Well, what if I just 'accidentally' forgot to take some of my BC pills". It makes me sick to think that, b/c I would NEVER do that to him.....that would be deceitful and I know it, and I love him too much, and even though everything might turn out okay if I did that, I would still KNOW that I deceived him and I COULD NOT live with myself, but these thoughts won't leave my head and I don't know how to deal with them.

I've been trying to find out how other people like me deal, but it's stupid suggestions like "babysit other people's children, work at daycare, keep yourself busy, get a hobby, if he doesn't want to have kids leave him".......that just isn't going to cut it for me, completely not an option. They are not MY children. I don't know if the "maternal instinct" is just so strong in me or what? I just don't know what to do, but the thoughts of wanting a baby is ruling my life....What can I do?? please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:51pm
You are only 19 years old - still a child yourself, no matter how wise you are for your years. There is a line that I quote about parenthood because it is so true: As hard as you think it is, you end up wishing it were that easy. You have NO idea what having a baby is all about. Your life as you know it will be over; you will no longer be able to sleep in, go out on the spur of the moment, etc. There is so much life ahead of you, you would be crazy to have a baby at your age when you should be out seeing the world, figuring out who you are and what makes you tick (and you cannot possibly know this at the tender age of 19)developing interests, taking classes. Please listen to your boyfriend and DO NOT have a baby!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 4:10pm

"I've been trying to find out how other people like me deal, but it's stupid suggestions like "babysit other people's children, work at daycare, keep yourself busy, get a hobby, if he doesn't want to have kids leave him".......that just isn't going to cut it for me, completely not an option."

Actually, those suggestions are not at all stupid, you just don't like them. You want what you want when you want it, and you are not willing to take your boyfriend's needs, plans, and dreams into consideration.

Let's look at these non-options for a moment. You don't want to babysit other people's children because they aren't your own. You want your own baby--within a few months. You don't want to work in daycare because the children will not be biologically your own. You don't want to keep yourself busy with your own career (what area is your degree in, by the way?) while your boyfriend prepares for his, instead you want to add an infant to what is already going to be a challenging life. You don't want to get a hobby, you just want a baby (I'm guessing that you don't want a puppy or a kitten, either?). And finally, although your boyfriend has been quite clear with you about the fact that he will not be ready to start a family for almost ten years, you don't want to consider the possibility that this may not be the right relationship for you.

Thus, what you are actually wanting from us is suggestions on how you can present your wish to your boyfriend so he will be willing to let you have what you want: a baby. A child who will cost an incredible amount of money, keep the two of you awake when you desperately want to sleep, get sick and need the doctor and and require you to take time off work when you've just put a little money aside so you can have something nice for the first time in months. A child who will need your attention all day, every day, without end. A child whose needs will come before your boyfriend's (which he will not like), and even before your own, when you've never really had a chance to be young and carefree.

So now you're saying, "Of course my child's needs will supercede my own--do you think I'm stupid?" No, I truly don't. I think you're intelligent and loving enough to see that it would be unfair to your beautiful child to bring him or her into the world at this time. I think you will reflect on this and realize that there's a good reason why people are telling you to get a hobby, buy a dog, concentrate on your career: because both parents have to be ready for the child they create together, and right now, your boyfriend just isn't ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 5:13pm
Embrace your maternal instinct and use it in a positive way now. Maybe you aren't happy at your job right now and would rather be working in a preschool. Or go to college and get a degree in teaching or early childhood education. But don't be deceiptful to your fiance who seems to have a good head on his shoulders. Get to the root of why you think you have to have a baby now and not satisfy a desire to be around babies- is it logical or are you trying to fill a need that isn't possible now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:29pm

Welcome back glitter_baby789,

Here's your previous posts so you can review what you wrote and so others can catch up on your story:

I can't take it anymore:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh/?msg=27882.1

and

College woes........please help.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlrelationsh/?msg=27980.1

Can I just say, please don't bring a baby into all of this. A baby will not make your life happier or better. It will add to the stress of an already stressful situation.

While you don't like all the suggestions of babysitting, I will go one further. Borrow someone's kid for the weekend, a cranky one, when you are running on no sleep, you bf/husband is studying for a test, not paying attention to you or taking you out, the baby won't be enough to make you or keep you happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 1:02am

Im really sorry to be rude ... but

am I the only one who sees an obssesive behavior here? it is not about a baby and it is not about being a mother... please do n't kid yourself or anyone else for that matter... after reading ALL of your posts about your bf and your situations it seems to me that you are obssessive about him and crave him to be at your beck and call 24/7... this is childish...

you see nothing but yourself and your need to be with him ... this is selfish...

you are disregarding his respect for his family and his intentions at a better life... you are creating drama where there need not be one... and the only reason you cal his mother a bitch is because she wont allow you to do whatever you want whenever you want with whomever and however... (honey, just because you are going to college and 'do you whatever you want' does not make you superwoman)... this again is selfish, but also disrespectfull...

the only reason you want a baby is to tie you to him forever and shut his mom up about rules and regulations about seeing you or not seeing you or whatever because when you have a baby, you believe, than you will be considered an adult and no one will dare stop you from doing anything and everything that you wish... including ... gluing your bf to you.l.. which i think is what you wish you could do...

there is a reason you dont want to babysitt other people's children... or the other things that people suggested (wisely)... its because ITS NOT ABOUT WANTING A BABY!... its just about making your bf pay more attention to you and be with you and choose you always and so on and so on and so on... this is need for attention... you are so overwhelmed with your need for attention that it blinds you ... take it from someone who knows,... if you don't stop this behavior you are going to drive him away... this type of behavior is incredibly overwhelming to other people and quite frankly.. .a little scary... everyone needs their space to breathe... you cannot ... CANNOT... force other people to make it all about you you you you... this is narcissistic (questionable spelling)... this type of behavior could get out of hand if not corrected... maybe a therapist would be of some assistance to you...

until then... LEAVE THE IDEA OF HAVING A BABY!!!... its not like buying a dress... its a life altering decision which you don't seem to undestand...

also... maturity is not about having a job. and being in college and having the freedom to whatever you want.... its about udnerstanding life...its about widsom...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 12:01pm
Actually, I agree with you. I think that the OP is not as mature as she thinks she is. She needs counseling and therapy.
As a 49 year-old mom of 2 young adults and a teen in college, grad school and high school respectively, I would also view this young woman as an unstable influence and a potential danger to my son's success. She appears to be incapable of patience, fortitude and delayed gratification. It would not surprise me in the least if she did get pregnant intentionally. She is a loose cannon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:02pm
Well, maybe some of that is true, but I really doubt that you are "sorry to be rude". Words can hurt lady......that's all I'm going to say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:05pm
This message board is SUPPOSED to be about support. Thanks a lot for basically calling me crazy. Even if you thought that I had a problem, a decent human being would never talk like that, but offer SUPPORT in a time of obviously need (that's why anyone ever posts in the first place). You're really a nice person I can see...........pfft.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 1:32am

Hi glitter -


The words that hurt, while they may have been blunt, there is some wisdom there that I hope you take to heart. It's hard to hear, I know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 7:28am

I read a lot of threads here and one thing that I've noticed is that a lot of women seem to think that having a baby will improve their relationship and bring them closer to their significant other. The impression that I get is that, in reality, having a baby amplifies the existing problems in the relationship. Becoming a parent is a big change in a person's life and a huge stress factor. I've never met a mother who regretted having children, however every day many women post threads here on how their marriage/relationship has gone downhill since their had children. Granted, this board is biased because people only make threads when there's a problem, but fact remains that having a child is a huge risk when your relationship is already under pressure.

You wrote once about how your mother in law is controlling and possessive. You can count on her to be just as controlling and possessive with her grandchildren. I can predict this will bother you even more than when she's just controlling her son. Even the most understanding parent has trouble a grandmother who thinks she knows best.

Other common post-natal relationship problems I see are: husband/boyfriend no longer attracted due to the body changes caused by pregnancy, h/bf doesn't want to take care of children, h/bf sees wife/girlfriend as a mother and no longer a parter in the relationship... I'm sure there are more. This is why it's important to have a child because you and your boyfriend want a child, not to improve a relationship.

I don't see why suggestion of babysitting or working at a daycare are stupid. Personally, I'm very maternal too, but my current life situation doesn't allow for me to have children yet. I've fulfilled my need to care for children over the years by teaching children to ski, by working at an autism camp in the summer, by looking after children in a women's shelter by taking in my friends' children for the weekend. No, it's not the same as having your own, but it's MUCH MUCH better than nothing. Plus, it allows you to see different parenting styles and choose how you'd want to raise your child. You also get the chance to see how you react in certain situations, so that when you do have a kid, you're not stepping into so much unknown. And the best part is, with other people's kids, when things get out of control and you can't take it anymore, you can just give the kids back to their parents and wave goodbye. You never get to do that with your own kids! =)

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