Devastated; in need of advice
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:47am |
I am engaged to a wonderful man. Last night was the first night since November we did not spend the night together because he got so upset at me he walked out of my house (we do not live together yet). Before November (I was away on family vacation) we did not spend a night apart since June 2006.
I love wine - sometimes I drink too much but for the most part I am alright. He likes to smoke and I think its a bad habit especially considering he does it often. We made a deal not to do these activities during the week, but have kind of caved on it in the past. Last night I had a glass of wonderful red wine with my parents and their friends along with some appetizers before they headed out to dinner and my fiance was to come over so we could have dinner. He was very upset.
We went out to dinner...came back to my house and I thought we would be fine but he was quiet and obviously upset. I couldn't do anything but lay there watching TV knowing he was still angry and no one was aying anything.
Finally, I took the channel changer and switched off the TV in hopes he may talk to me at that point. Instead he got up, put on his shoes and left. I was crying and begged him not to go. He left and I have not heard from him at all yet today.
I dont know what to do :-(

Pages
Yeah, well when you make a deal with someone you trust and intend on spending eachother's lives together, that deal should be obeyed, or really re-discussed. Not just broken.
No I was not falling down drunk and screaming. We were in bed and he was obviously mad and I wanted to get him to talk but he really just played possum. So I asked for the channel changer and shut the tv off, which is when he left.
Now I am just angry. And I know the issue is likely deeper than just this one thing - it must be. In this one year we are getting a new place to live, getting married, he is beginning on his own in his career (opening own business). But there is nothing that can be done if he wont let me in. I left two messages for him last night and still haven't heard from him.
My friends are having a dinner at their house tonight and there is no way I am not going. We dont all get together much these days (3 couples including myself and my fiance). I plan on saying that he is working late but I do fear me crying. One couple is married and the other is also engaged and I know there will be a lot of wedding talk, etc.
Also I am afraid and worried about him. Is he ok? Is he depressed? I never intentionally did anything to hurt him. :--(
- Now I am just angry.-
I suggest that you stay that way. Forget deals, agreements etc etc etc. So what that you've 'semi, sorta, kinda' agreed for you not to drink during the week? It's not a contract of employment that you've 'broken'. You are two adults who are allowed to make their own decisions as to what they do or don't do. I've 'agreed' with myself that I won't have more than 2 glasses of wine a day during the week - I was celebrating something last night and had over a bottle (and so did my bf btw).. so what?? I can only repeat: he is not your father, your owner or your boss. If my boss tells me 'I want you to do N1 N2 and N3 every day' this is something that I HAVE to do as I am paid to do so. If my bf were to tell me 'I do not want you to drink during the week and just you dare break the order' I'd tell him to go f himself - perhaps even in those exact words.
What in G**'s name is his problem? You have NOT done anything wrong. You didn't get blind drunk and embarass him, for cying out loud. You had a GLASS of wine, not 6 or 10 glasses. So f-ing what? If that's how he behaves before you're married, I don't want to know what it will be like when you are husband and wife.
I'd just keep on with my life if I were you. When he realises that he is being an immature moron and contacts you, what you do is up to you. I would personally give him the kind of bo*****g he wouldn't forget in a hurry.
How much more can he go on punishing you over something so silly. Can you imagine what he would do if you did something worth getting angry over. You need to have a serious talk about this childish behavior if he does contact you.
Either that or he is using it as an excuse to get out of the relatiosnhip and is being a coward.
Are you getting married in a religious ceremony? If so, I STRONGLY suggest the lack of communication when faced with conflict BEFORE you get married. The pastor, rabi, priest or whatever can help counsel the 2 of you in ways to more effectively communicate. Walking out the door, IMO, is NOT an option when having disagreements.
Don't get me wrong - I'm fine with my fiance taking time to cool off or think things over, but I'm NOT ok with him just up and leaving without a word. He did do this once (it was a bigger issue then the wine, but trust me when I say just *barely* bigger!) and we discussed other ways to work this out. What we came to is this: He's allowed to take some time to think about whatever's bugging him, but he MUST give me a time when he WILL be able to talk to ME about it. On my end, I have to respect the time that he needs to think, ponder, worry, whatever it is he does and I have to leave him alone until said time when we'll talk.
This has worked very well. We also very rarely argue or disagree. In fact, it's only happened once since the first "incident" almost a year ago. But I respected his need to "think" for a few hours and he respected my need to know wtf is going on in his head in a reasonable amount of time.
So, when you talk to him, don't make this all about the smoking and drinking. You do need to address that, but the bigger issue here is you need some boundaries around how you're going to resolve conflict.
Books to consider:
Before You Say I Do: Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage by Todd Outcalt
101 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last by Linda Bloom
At this point I am just so angry.
We are getting married this coming summer!
I do think there is a bigger issue at hand - there must be. I just feel sick right now.
I am going to my dinner party tonight, will have to make upa story about where he is. I'm not calling after him anymore - he knows I want to speak to him I have left two messages on his cell phone and one on his home phone since Tuesday night.
We never fight - are always so happy with eachother and adore being around eachother. I just cant believe this is happening. I hope and wish he calls so we can work this out together.
I definitely don't have all the answers, but as the wife of a very difficult, stubborn man a couple of things jumped out at me...
Your fiance sounds like he has a bit of a control issue. His overreaction could simply be because he *really* wanted a cigarette that day, and didn't smoke one specifically because he promised he wouldn't. But over time, that kind of passive aggressive resentment is a recipe for disaster. If he gets this irrational over a glass of wine now, I would definitely be concerned about how he's going to react to a *real* problem 5 or 10 years into the marriage once the passion has died down and real life has set in.
I understand you guys had an agreement about drinking/smoking during the week, but my initial reaction was the same as another poster - would you have gotten furious and stormed out if you caught him smoking a cigarette? From your shock at his reaction, I'm guessing not. I definitely agree with the others that you can't change each other's behavior if you each don't want to change your behavior for yourselves. You'll just end up resenting each other down the line. (Though, I see nothing wrong with a glass or two of wine during the week - it's actually good for you. Smoking, on the other hand, will kill you. So, right off the bat your agreement is off balance...)
I guess all I'm saying is that this could be a big indicator of things to come, so really pay attention to how he handles similar situations in the future. If he's really "the one", you guys need to figure out a better compromise - with the caveat that there are always exceptions and that sometimes you're going to slip up! Good luck.
i'm here to offer some balance and a different perspective than you've already been given. First though; you did get some good advice. it is really pretty normal for guys to get the urge to bail during a conflict. so letting him go, but agreeing to a return time is a great way to deal with that.
however, i do not agree with the view that you've done nothing wrong here. i do agree that his reaction is extreem and that he should return your calls and at least let you know what is going on. i'd assume you were broken up if i were you, based on what you've written.
first; while i agree the deal you made about ending drinking and smoking was not a smart one. Yet, did he live up to his end of the deal? i went once with a SO on a cruise. we both agreed that we would give up a vice once on the boat. my SO didn't do it (and because vice was not available on the ship), so i felt really let down. i didn't over react like your SO). Anyway, recognize and don't forget that your having that one drink really let down someone that is going to marry you and wants to believe he can trust you and believe in what you say and agree to. Not a small thing as you approach marriage. In other words, the bigger issue at hand.
Also, you justification of drinking vs. smoking is way off. don't go there and don't listen to that one person that is supporting and feeding your anger. you even admit that you have over-drank before. i can only assume the types of things you may have done while getting drunk. Stuff that a smoker would never do. Just do not go there and justify your letting him down. You did.
Next, I have to say that the way you describe turning off the TV seemed to be filled with anger as well and probably didn't help at all. yet, maybe your lack of fighting in the past is because you (one or the both of you) have issues with expressing anger and communicating about uncomfortable issues. Pre-marital counseling is a must IMO.
sorry you are going through this and i hope it turns out the way you want it do.
Pages