Devestating End
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| Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:18am |
Hello,
I'm 30 and my girlfriend 32.
I've been having the relationship for 8,5 months that suddenly ended and has "killed" all that I am.
The woman I was with had never been married or something. We started our relationship 3 days after her birthday which was the 2nd time I saw her.
I had met her brother and his wife and we have been having a very good relationship. Her brother's wife was really out of words when I called her on the phone to tell her the end, and she told me that they highly appreciated me and that she and her husband love and respect me and wish that things will reverse.
My family had met the girl, and I had met her mother (but not the father yet).
I was always trying to take the best out of me and not push anything to the limits. I even quit smoking so that my smoke does not make her feel bad. I did that without her asking me to do it. I just did, and it was for her. All my attention was to make her happy and happy we seemed. We didn't have any fights and if there ever was an issue we were both most happy to spend time together and talk things over without raising ever any tones.
After about 6 months, she told me out of nowhere that she was not as inlove with me as I was with her and that she wanted us to stop because she is 32 and needs to see what to do with her life. Due to the late of the time, I asked her to calm down and talk things over the next day where both of us would be less tensed due to this "separation demand". The next day she was sorry and said that all the "great loves" mostly end up in divorces when one side finally finds out about the awful character of the other, but in our case she told me that nobody ever had been treating her as nicelly and respectfully, without any demand and because she was not creazy inlove she could mostly emphasize to our interaction as couple and less to the feelings that she would feel. Said that most people she knew (including her brother) said "Don't ever let him go". So she asked me to give her a second chance so that we continue - and I did right away.
Right after we got back together I told her that I will never push her about any "official commitment" and will never talk about it, unless she feels ready to bring it up so we talk it over. Did that as I said so I don't make her feel strange in any way.
Now after about 3 months we decided to take a weekly trip to a nice island and enjoy ourselves away from the everyday's problems. At this trip all were so nice that I could hardly belive it. I asked her if things have been improved after the "2nd chance" and she admited that things were going great. She even told me that "We cannot get to know each other more than we do" while she was kissing me and looking into my eyes.
This was the period of my relationship where I was feeling I could marry her the next day if she asked me to.
Unfortunatelly things turned bad 1 day after we returned from the trip. She was always more than bussy because of the business things she put up for this trip. And time was always an issue to either whether I meet in her house (she had a small house except of the one of her parents as a "personal space"). We were mostly going out for a couple of hours the days we met and then she was going to bed "alone".
It was not later than a week after our trip that on Sunday she said that she does not feel inlove and wanted me to get out of her life (Note that this specific weeked we were planing to go on a 2 day trip as we said when we came back from vacation). 3 days later (Wednesday - and more specifically yesterday) I went to her house to see if she though it over and still thigns are the same. Unfortunatelly she was insisting that this is over. At this visit I asked her to tell me why she "gave herself" to me like that in the vacation if she wanted to break-up. She had thought it over before going there she told me. But she denied to give me an answer about why acting so much invlove during the vacation. Said that she meant every word at the vacation but also told me that she won't tell me the reason she was acting so much inlove during our vacation and she will only tell me after some time that we recover from separation.
Now, I am in a very critical psychological state and feel like I lost the ground off my feet. I have seriously been thinking that a 3rd person could be the possibility, mostly because of urine stains that I was regularely finding on her toilet few weeks before our fist separation and another time the one and only night I spent in her house after the vacation. But that is not an evidence of any kind, just clues.
Our difference was that I am just an employee in a company, while she is much higher economically than me, but never brought it up as an issue and she always said that this was not a priority to her.
Though, I know that she's been hiding many things from me about her life as they were not my business. For instance after we separated I told her that I knew since month 2 of our relationship that she was building a new house and asked her why she never mentioned it. What was she afraid? That our relationship foundation on my behalf would be to avoid taking a "house loan"? Is that all I would expect out of a relationship? Be with a person for the rest of my life because of that? She said that this was not the case, but was a family issue and was not my or anybody elses business to know about it. This together with all other things hurt badly as I was felt that my existence in this relationship did not include sharing at least things that were no secret, but was just a decoration and nothing more.
Bottomline is that I'm devestated and thats why I have been writing here. I need some advice both for what to do next with this relationship and for what to do with my own self. I'm in the state of denial now, didn't see it comming and that makes it worse.
Thank you beforehand

Please move on from this. Do NOT let this women string you along. I am always suspicious when ppl say things like, "some time that we recover from separation." What is she thinking? That you will recover from this and be friends? No. It doesn't work that way.
If she was keeping things secret from you, then chances are she was never serious about the r/ship in the first place. I was a woman who was not interested in a commitment during my late 20s and early 30s. I was focussed on my career and building a life for myself. I often hurt men bc they assumed I'd change my mind. Yet, I didn't let them sleep over at my house (in fact, when we were in bed - I wouldn't let in the sheets bc I didn't want their smell in my space.) In other words, there are red flags there and they ignored them. Your GF has many red flags. She is playing with your heart. You deserve someone who doesn't play games.
Another thing - r/ships are NOT about you making anyone happy. If you focus all your attention on a woman then it can be very overwhelming. When you "give" you are doing it for yourself. Often, it can create guilt in your partner bc they don't feel that way. I remember a guy wanting to wash my dishes in my sink and I freaked out about it. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't want him to. I knew that I would NEVER wash his dishes, so I didn't feel right about him washing mine. He thought he was doing something nice for me. If he had done it, he would feel good about being a good guy and I'd feel like I was using him or something. The end result isnt' what he wanted. KWIM?
Good luck,
Dee
Welcome to the board ioannisa,
Breakups are never easy to deal with. Especially when they are unexpected.
In my opinion, if she couldn't even tell you that was building a house than she isn't the right girl for you. If you are in a serious relationship with a person, this is the type of thing you tell them. Plus you said she also hid many other things from you. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone that is going to be open and honest with you. Not someone who is always hiding things from you. Move on from this relationship.
The last break up I had I took really hard. I cried all the time and thought about him constantly. But, I realized I had to get over it and take care of myself. I started working out for an hour everyday. I found tv shows I liked to watch. I read everyday and cooked supper everynight. I started going out with friends every couple of weeks and ended up meeting by husband while out with night. Taking care of myself after that break up was one the best things I ever did for myself.
Good luck to you. It is hard
glitter-graphics.com
I must thank you for your quick reply!
I see bad drems that include this person for the last couple of days (things like swimming underwater both of us and I'm unable to swim fast enough to reach her) - but thats part of the "surprise separation", right?
Sadly I realised today (that happened before reading your replies) that when I got tempted and walked outside her house (that is about 2 mins away from mine - and always through my car route to the office unfortunatelly) she saw me as I was unlucky enough to be outside while her brother had just riding his bike, and her the reaction was to shut the door.
Nothing to blame about that - it was a suprise to her and surprises are strange (ask me!), but even worse to realise that my "second house" is a "restricted area". I don't know maybe that was the best for her to do - I don't know what I would do if I were her, but on the other hand we had no fights or anything during this separation period, so a "Hello" would be nice too. Anyway...
Yes, I can say that today by being out with friends and having lots of beautiful women arround us in the place we went out for a beer, I felt sorta... better and managed to talk about other things beside the separation :)
Talking about problems..., one of my greatest was whether or not she was cheating on me, but now I realise that since we are not together it doesn't make so much sence to try and find out. Right?
As I wished her after she dumbed me, a phrase that unfortunatelly will have to fit millions of cases...
"I wish you to find the best in your life and be happy ever since. Good bye, have a nice life, take lots of care of yourself and try to be more opened and honest with people as this is key to healthy relationships and therefore to your happiness"
I might be wrong, but I believe that loosing temper would only be humiluating...
Thank you again for your valuable replies :)
Welcome to the board ioannisa,
You might want to follow the link in my siggy to the Breaking Up is Hard to do board here at iVillage.