DH and I
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| Tue, 02-24-2004 - 8:59pm |
His father divorced his mother six years ago. DH's mom cleaned out his dad's savings right before the divorce. DH's mom blames everything on DH's dad and often tells DH that his dad desn't love him. Since DH has pulled away from his mother, him and his dad have gotten much closer. The past six years, his mother has been keeping him away from his dad. DH's mom tells DH and SIL that their dad left and everything bad that happens is because their dad left. However, this is not true. DH's dad didn't leave. DH's mom kicked him out and filed for legal separation. She even told his dad that she was going to still be able to get all the benefits of being his wife without having to be around him. So DH's dad then filed for divorce. DH's mom made allegations of his dad abusing her and got a restraining order against him. Then she told him to come over to her house and get his corvette. He was in the garage taking the tarp off and she calls the sheriff's department and runs around screaming he is drunk, he is hurting me. She then tried to kick DH's dad in the balls and he blocked and naturally defended himself. She has told my DH on several occasions that it is his fault her and his dad divorced.
When him and I were dating I could see there was a real problem. DH's mom favored his sister over him constantly. She never even got school pictures for DH but every year had pictures taken of his sister at a professional studio. She has but one picture of DH up which in it he was a baby. She has several pictures of his sister up ranging from infant to present day. I have witnessed her telling DH that he was worthless. He was also made to do all the household jobs while his sister sat on her butt. He even was working at the time but his sister wasn't. Even after he moved in with me, his mom still expected him to be her errand boy and take his sister here or there and do all the household duties. She even made DH pay $90 of $110 total car insurance when his sister and mom were on the same insurance. So basically he paid for his sister too. She refused to let DH get his license until he was 18 because he had bad grades his freshman year. However, his sister got her license at 16 and she flunked the whole first sememster of her sophmore year in high school which was right before she got her license. I think the reason she refused to let him get his license is because she knew once he got it that she had no control over him and she could not keep him from seeing his dad. Every time DH would try to express his feelings to her, she would punish him for having feelings such as he felt she favored his sister. She actually yelled at him and punished him because he told her he felt that way. She then punished him if his opinion is different than hers.
She often tells DH that her boyfriend hurts her and even tried to turn my baby shower into her own personal pity party. The thing is, she has called the police on this man and claimed he hit her, had him removed from her property, and then let him move back in two days later. I have never seen that man hit her or even get verbally abusive and when DH and I first started dating, I was over at that house most everyday because DH did not have a license. However I have seen DH's mother come after DH with a broom, come after DH with a pop bottle, and try to choke her boyfriend out because he was ignoring her usual b!tching. DH's sister acts the same way and threatened to kill me and attacked me because DH and I told her that I wasn't running her to her boyfriend's because I was not a taxi.
Since DH and I have been together his mother has been telling him that it is my fault that her, him, and his sister get into arguments. She has been telling his sister that I ruined their family and I am trying to take her dad from her (however if you recall now of her own choice, DH's sister only goes to visit her dad when she wants money). His sister then emails me or DH and says "Steph is taking dad from me. I'm going to kick her beep. She took away mom's only son and now she is trying to take my only dad. I hate her and know she got pregnant on purpose to trap my brother." DH's sister and mother have both been telling DH's dad that I got pregnant on purpose to trap DH and that I'm a bad mother. They have told people that they are going to get DH to move back home with them. DH's sister acts like his mother. We have had them cut out of our lives since the birth of our son 8 months ago. That has not stopped their phone calls or harassing emails. We changed our phone number and now they are going around asking everyone for it and saying they don't know why they aren't allowed to have it. Every time they called they would say to DH, "your dad doesn't love you. only your mom loves you." If I would answer, they would hang up and call right back 5 seconds later and then I would answer and they would hang up and so on and so on. They even had the nerve to send Christmas gifts for DH and our son after we cut them out six months prior to Christmas. DH and I sent them right back.
Now DH has a really hard time expressing his feelings. I know he really needs to sit and talk with his dad to help clarify the fact that his dad really does love him. I know his dad loves him because he is always saying to me how proud he is of him and etc. His dad has a really hard time saying it DH because of the past six years. I completely understand. However they need to sit down and talk about it. I really want to help my husband be able to open up and feel loved. I also want to help him realize that his dad loves him. His mother still tries to use Dh to hurt his dad. She uses DH's sister to try to hurt me and DH. However all it ever does is make them look like total idiots.
DH is starting to do some of the things his mother did to him to me. He tells me I'm worthless when I ask him to help me or do something. He has started trying to embarrass me to not only make himself feel good but to make me feel like less of a person. These are things his mother used to do to him and I don't want the cycle to continue with him doing it to me.
However I know these things are subconcious because DH doesn't even realize he does it until someone else points it out. I just want to know what it is that I can do to help him overcome this. I love him so much. He never used to treat me like this. It just started happening after the new year when we changed our phone number so his mother and sister would not have it. That was at the end of January. What do I do?

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
its very sad, but i have to agree with erin on this one. your DH needs help - which he probably won't admit to, and probably won't get. it is very sad - because he is hurting and you are hurting - and YOU cannot do anything about this. HE needs to get help for himself.
whatever the reason/justfication/excuse for his behavior toward you is - the fact of the matter is that he is choosing to act