DH's MIL causing trouble in our marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
DH's MIL causing trouble in our marriage
3
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 8:01am

My DH's mother is continueing to cause a lot of trouble in our marriage. So much so, that we are fighting about her all the time. My DH and I got married and we moved down to a town further away from MIL and he started med school. Then MIL followed us and moved down to our same town. DH told her she could only expect to live near us while he finished med school for the next two years because after med school, we would be moving around with the Navy for 12 years. He has 5 other adult sibs.

So now, we are on our first post and she is trying to come stay with us every other month and we ar ttcing with no luck right now. I would like to have one more baby and the longer it takes, the older I am getting. He says he is the only kid who cares about his mom and will do anything. I told him that he needs to talk to his sibs and get them to help out more because he is pullling 80 hour weeks and is doing 1st year internship.

His mom also seems to think that if my DH gets sent out as a U.S. Marine dr. next year, then she will come live near me and our two DDs. His siblings would love it if I got saddled with dealing with their mother all the time. She is a pest. I refuse to deal with her by myself in a town, while he is on duty. MIL has this strange attachment to our DDs and wants to see them all the time, which I had never grown up with a GP demanding to see the GCs all the time.

How can we work out the problems and have a normal family life and marriage?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 10:07am

You and your husband have to realize that there is a large boundary issue here. You have a right to create boundaries that you feel comfortable with as a family and as an individual. Obviously there is a reason why his other siblings don't do anything for her...she is overly demanding and totally insensitive and it seems uncaring to the wishes and feelings of others. You do not have to meet all her demands. It sounds as though if you do, you feel she will devour you. In terms of how often she sees the grand children, that is also something to be worked out with your husband that you feel comfortable about, not her. It seems as if she has no life of her own and is trying to become an appendage to your life. Even for her own good, she must learn how to create a life of her own, have friends, activities and respect the wishes, needs and boundaries of others.


If you and your husband can't work this difficult situation out alone, it would wise to get some couple counseling on how to create boundaries without guilt. How to say no comfortably. How to let her know what does and does not work for you. This is not a rejection of her, but healthy respect for yourself and your own needs. If she tries to put guilt on you for it, that is just a manipulation. This is the work you need to do with a therapist to be able to handle this well.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 11:29am

I completley agree, I need to spend some time communicating with my DH.
I think she manipulates him with guilt and he falls for it alot and pushes the boundaries we have tried to establish.

Do you have any suggestions on how DH can call up his siblings and ask that they help out more with his mother's growing neediness in her mid= 60's

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 11:44am
How about just like that? "Hi, Sib! It's Bro. I've been noticing lately that Mom is becoming needier and needier as she ages. Since I'm about to be shipped out, and it's not fair for Supermommy to have the full responsibility of dealing with her while I'm gone, I'm calling to see what we can work out in terms of sharing the load." And then he should just be quiet until Sib replies.