Diabetic husband won't work & sex issues
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| Thu, 11-15-2007 - 9:39am |
Some background... DH and I met fall of '97 in whirlwind love affair, we were pregnant within a month but were happy as we knew we were meant 2b 2gether 4ever. Madly in love, he made me feel like I could do anything. After the birth of our daughter, sex started to become an issue. As most new relationships, we had it a lot in the beginning. Once my daughter was born, I wasn't feeling as passionate (duh!) and he started to get frustrated and moody. I felt so pushed that I had sex with him before my six weeks of postpartum was over (about 5 weeks after birth) - it hurt a lot as I had stitches.
DH had a job selling windows and I wasn't working - we struggled financially so I brought in extra money by babysitting. It got so bad, we had to move in with his mother and all stay in one room. He lost his job and so when my daughter was 3 months old, I got a job. I was able to make enough for us to get an apartment. I got pregnant again and when my 90 days at the new job neared, they let me go. Within 2 weeks I miscarried. I picked myself up and found a terrific job working for an internet company in '99. All this time, I was asking my dh to find a job so I could stay home with my kids (I had a daughter from prev. relationship, he has a son from previous marriage) - but he never did.
After a few months at the internet job, I mentioned his name when they were looking for more help and he started working in my office. I always thought he agreed as it was a 'cool' techie job (not beneath him). Of course, this was the heat of the dotcom era and in less than a year, things at work started to decline - paychecks bouncing. When Y2K was looming, we got hit with a horrible situation.
My DH found out he had type1 diabetes, out of the blue. He had always been fit, skinny, active and a healthy eater. This devastated him. I tried to help him through the stages of grief, but I don't think he's ever made it past the 'disbelief' stage.
Meanwhile, I lost my job and he lost his. I quickly found another dotcom job, but also discovered I was pregnant again. Again, he refused to look for another job - after working at a cool dotcom, nothing else was adequate. I hated my new job - my boss was creepy and I just wanted to be home with my kids. I worked until the pregnancy (lots of preterm labor) took me down - including flying to a conference in 109 degree las vegas when I was six months pregnant.
After my son was born, I didn't want to go back to my job. I hated it there...but we were broke. After only 5 weeks off after the birth, I had to go back. I had to breast pump in the icky bathroom .. Ugh, it was hell. I survived six more months and finally - since my husband refused still to get a job, I started researching work at home ideas and I quit in June of 2001 and had a client for my new Virtual Assistant business within the first month.
I made a great success of it. My husband, however had more serious health issues. He would be nauseated horribly and could barely get off the couch for an entire year - cold spells that left him shaking, heart palpitations - all kinds of crazy symptoms that no Dr. could decipher. And still, during all of this craziness, if he didn't get sex every 3 days, he would get moody, distant and mean. As you can tell, I built up some serious resentment for having to carry all the load of our finances, life choices - all the big responsibilities were left up to me. My needs are ignored or dismissed while his have to be met or there's trouble.
His health started to improve, but he still had to deal with the diabetes. I was making okay money, but we were still struggling here and there as we have zero budget - he refuses. When we get in a pinch, his Mom gives him money.
I started to make really good money and we decided to buy a house (yup, sub-prime victims) and now we've been in our very expensive house for 2 years and we're in foreclosure as my business has been faltering since I work mostly with real estate agents.
What do we argue about at least once or twice a month? How much we have sex. "Other women want it all the time.." "Women have all the power..." "Why do I have to ask for it.." "You never..." "You're a prude..."
I'm not a nag, but he knows there is only one thing I have ever wanted him to do differently - help bring in money. I've told him that i don't care if he works from home - does anything - just help take this awful load off my back. My health has been deteriorating, I'm depressed all the time and we keep going through our day as if we aren't going to lose this house on Feb 1st to auction...
I have no friends, I rarely leave the house more than once a month and we're together 24/7. He does dishes maybe once every other day, he'll run laundry (badly) sometimes, but never folds or puts away - he does almost all the shopping and cooking - but doesn't make that many meals for everyone, usually just himself as he has to eat on a schedule. He thinks he does all this household stuff - but a lot doesn't get done at all. Yet, he keeps pushing for the sex when I have so many hats to wear and have so much frustration and hurt.
I love him - he makes me happy, he's sweet, he's funny and I love spending ALL my time with him and he's good with our kids - but I can't help but feel I'm selling myself short. I don't want to be some evil nag, I want him to WAN'T to show me he cares about us and our future. I feel taken advantage of... Whenever we get in a blowout over sex - especially these last few months, he says evil and horribly hurtful things to me. He gets all cold and mean - then after awhile if I'm crying alone or the next day, he comes and apologizes and tells me I'm right and that he'll try harder...then he starts crying and says he doesn't deserve me and he doesn't know why I put up with him. Two days later, back to normal - nothing changes.
He says it wouldn't matter if he got a job, I still wouldn't have sex with him. Mind you, we have sex at least 2x a week. I try really hard, even when I'm busy and tired to try and initiate. Last week we had a big fight because it had only been 1 day since we had sex, he wanted it again and I didn't feel well - plus, I had a deadline for a client. We fought, I cried, I finally got through to him and we had a good talk, later we went out to dinner and I felt really close to him and then after dinner he says 'I have a surprise for you..' and he takes me to the "Hustler" store. He insists I go into the yucky pr0n section and gets mad at me when he realizes that I'm hurt and depressed. It's like talking to a brick wall... and he calls me a prude again.
Alright, I've written a book - but I wanted a good accounting of everything so I can get your honest advice. I feel so isolated sometimes that I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or what... Thanks! Please tell me what you think?

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Your husband is being completely selfish.
Welcome to the board virtuallin,
I agree with the previous poster that your husband is being a jerk. I disagree, however, that you should withhold sex until he gets a job. That wouldn't solve anything and it would probably only make matters worse.
The truth is your husband is taking advantage of you. He is also risking the future of your family because he refuses to get a home and help keep a roof over your heads. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. He just needs to suck it up and do what is right for his family. And that isn't letting him become homeless.
You need to have a serious talk with him. Tell him he needs do get a job ASAP and starting providing for the family, and that if he doesn't he won't be living with you when you get evicted.
glitter-graphics.com
Thanks to both of you for your posts. I've been waiting with bated breath to see if anyone could give me some perspective. I just feel so defeated...
So, you guys don't think it's unreasonable that he get a job? I know he has type 1 diabetes, but he also refuses to try and get disability - he's not really disabled at all - he just has a very strict lifestyle to maintain to keep healthy.
I shouldn't have to pay his ex-wife $300 in child support... Insulin, test strips -
Thanks for taking the time to post and helping me see that I'm not asking for too much...
OMG! You are paying his child support to his ex. That is not even right. This man needs to learn to take care of his responsibilities.
There is no reason he can't get a job. My cousin has had type 1 diabetes since he was 16 and he has always worked. He even has to give himself insulin at least 4 times a day.
glitter-graphics.com
I know!! I have been so patient - I don't nag, but duh! Is it any wonder I don't want to be intimate with him? LOL - Thank you!! I've made it crystal clear that I want him to contribute - I don't care if he sells crap on ebay or does something via the computer so he can be home to test blood sugar, whatever - Just do something!
Do I pout? Do I give him the cold shoulder or get moody? NO! It just amazes me that he can go about his days pretending that this foreclosure isn't happening - doesn't want to plan or come up with any ideas. If I don't get us out of this and fast, we're screwed.
I made $1500 at the beginning of this month and it's already gone - no bills paid, just food and sundry crap. His Mom has already given us all she can - helped us ALL year.
I just have this pit in my stomach, I don't know what to do. I think I have to put the house up for sale - it's a bit of a mess, cleaning, painting, packing - and all my CC's are overlimit and not paid for all this year trying to keep up house payments - how can I get into an apartment if I am lucky enough to break even when the market sucks so bad!! I think I'll go throw up now, LOL.
Thanks, Cl-Ctara! You have no idea how much I needed your encouraging words today!
I wanted to respond to your post at length (because I find your husband's behavior so incredibly selfish and immature) but I don't have time
glitter-graphics.com
I guess we can stay with his mother - and her mother, whom she cares for when she's not at work. It's not a lot of room, but we don't have many other options.
Just got off the phone with my MIL - I guess since we're broke, he asked her for the $330 in child support and she's giving it to him. Guess who'll have to pay all the bills if I leave? Ugh...
Keep the posts coming, I really need to hear from everyone! Thank you, thank you!
In no way is it unreasonable that he should get a job.
Welcome to the board virtuallin,
I have to agree with the others. Your husband is very self-focused and worse he's using diabetes as an excuse to play the victim and not work and that would not work for me.
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